I found this...

I was looking around in my email for an bible verse and I found this poem I wrote in the fog of my mom's passing. I thought it was pretty good, so Im posting it here.

Its almost like my world has stopped

shifted realities

I exist on a plane not like yours

I see what you see

but its different

I am walking with you

but im not

My world has stopped

and yours continues

doesnt anyone see me?

Cant anyone hear me?

Does anyone feel what I feel

deep in my chest

the hurt

the pain

the constant reminder

of loss?

Where are you mom?

Why are you gone?

Can I be selfish

and wish for you back?

Does it even work that way?

Even if I wished

my wish would be washed

like the waves of the sea

insignificant

as I seem to be

I am lost in a fog

I walk alone

there are things in my chest

beating to get out

but no words for escape

no sounds for the pain

the tears dont even help

the groans cant mend the wound

I am stuck wondering

alone

I am grasping at straws

pulling at threads

nothing seems to help

I cant stop the thoughts

in my head

take the pain away

I cant get it out

someone come to my reality

and let me out

...
please let me out

every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around - vanilla sky

There is some true to this statement. In any moment, one can make a choice. It's those little choices that make all the difference. theoretically, one can go all the way to the ends of the earth - down the deepest spiral, into the greatest dream and in one moment change course. Just one moment. I remember when I got off the plane in California and I got the call that my mom was going to die. happy to sad. Excited to nervous wreck. 30 seconds from a voice mail and the course of my life changed forever. Think about the person who accidentally hits someone with their car. one second and their lives are different forever. just ONE second. Similarly, I could make one choice and my life would go in a completely different path than the one it's on right now.

every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around. It's nice to know there aren't such black and white standards that one cannot escape from.

--jackie

Pass me by the priests who sing your praise

Take me past the outer courts

Into the Holy Place

Past the brazen altar

Lord I want to see your face

Pass me by the crowds of people

And the Priests who sing your praise

I hunger and thirst for your righteousness

But it's only found in one place

Take me into the holy of holies

Take me in by the blood of the lamb

Take me into the holy of holies

Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am

I saw this as my friends facebook status. I remember listening to this song once when I was a young Christan. I listened to it again and I am taken back to a time of passion, a time of new and realness a time of something I am not right now. I am gray. Then I was bright.

I'd like to say that I want to experience something like this song talks about. But I have. I do. Jesus is always the faithful one. If I die after a long and fulfilled life a Christian, it will be because he sustained me. Every time I see something that looks wonderful and shiny, I stray. I stray so hard. I walk and walk and walk away from him and am determined to just cut my own path and not need anyone. I don't listen. I don't stay content under his wing even though by every logical reasonings I should be. This song makes me wanna turn off all the lights and dance. I always long to dance, hands raised, heart bowed down. I dunno why - maybe its my free spirit nature but I wanna dance. Jesus is my Shepard. I am the sheep that wanders. and he's been calling to me from my high mountain top of danger. He's alluring. He's hard to turn a deaf ear. He's calling me home. I don't know why i just wanna keep fighting him. why he keeps calling is what amazes me. anyone else would have left me a long time ago.

jackie - by his grace, always his beloved

I think i was depressed

Last night I went to my church's harvest carnival all dressed up like an amazon woman. note what happened at the bouncy house:

Me: I wanna jump in the bouncy house

Megan: Lets do it

*line says* this bouncy house designed for children ages 6-10.

Me: lets just stand in line and hope he doesn't notice our age

Megan: are you sure?

Me:what have we got to loose really?

Megan: Okay

Rob (bouncy house admitter): um.. you really wanna jump in here?

Me: can we pleaseeeee?

Megan: yeah

Me: cmon

Rob: okay

Me: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

Megan: Really????!!!

Rob: come on in

Megan enters house first than me and two other girls our age

I begin to jump -

Me: Yyayaaayyyy!! Im in a bouncy house! Im in a bouncy house! Im bouncing in a bouncy house! Yay yay yay!

This situation would have never happened a year ago. I wouldn't have even let my heart begin to desire such a thing. For certainly, bouncy houses are made and designed for kids. I shouldn't even want that. recently, someone told me that they had noticed a positive change in me. and someone else told me, oh, the real Jackie is coming back. Everyone told me that because I was with my current boyfriend, I had changed into this.. debby downer. But you know what else I was dealing with? The loss of the other half of my heart, the loss of my mom being my mom. See, I lost my mom awhile before she died - she was my mom but not my mom, someone i needed to take care of. And then she died. and then I was mourning the loss of schooling - what should I do now? I was mourning the fact that my brothers and I dont have a really deep relationship. all that combined - I was a freakin mess. When i look back on last year - I remember mostly the feeling of cold, dark, rain. things just looked dark to me. and i think i'm gettin okay. I think death will have always touched me and the loss of first love will always leave me a bit cynical. My schooling woes are misplaced and I look forward to the future and I make my own choices about how i feel about my brothers. I choose to accept things as they are - because I am not around to change people.

As to those who feel as if my boyfriend is the brick on my back and the reason for my change I would recommend taking a look at who held my hand through my mom's funeral and who encouraged me to continue school if I missed it so bad. Who pushed me to keep going when I felt I couldn't and who comforted me and walked with me through the dark. I would also ask the question - when did you try to help and what did you do to help? This post sounds bitter and I dont say it in such a tone. I just mean to say - before you are so quick to judge, why not take a gander at yourself and when you can throw your stone, by all means let me know. Because the way I see it, Jesus is the only one who can throw a stone at my faults and sins but instead he choose to die to save me. He walked through the storm with me. Even when i wasn't aware of it. He stayed very close. he never threw a stone.

He walked me out to the sunshine I feel now. I think I was depressed. I think Im making it out of it. I definitely think I enjoy bouncy houses as well.

_ jackie

middle gray - middle ground - lukewarm and other synonyms

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong. I try to get involved with the girls I think of as model Christians, but I don't really like the cliquey feel, I don't like the gossip, and I especially don't like the judgements. There was this one time I was standing outside with the youth group near a woman smoking a cigarette and one of the leaders dropped a comment about how they needed to move because they didn't want to be around the nasty smell of smoke - very loudly so that smoker would hear. How annoying. What was the point in that? Why? who cares if you are uncomfortable, you can move but you don't need to shame her in the process. Where is the love of Christ in that? Similarly, I try to get involved with normal people, who drink occasionally, smoke on occasion and generally just live life the way they want. I desire that. But even then, I still feel uncomfortable when those around me are making fun of others, talking down to each other, and generally being two faced. (which i am guilty of from time to time but this is a practice that I try to avoid). I can't fit in anywhere. I feel like i sorta fit in but i have my own mind and my own thoughts and they may or may not be accepted and I may or may not care.

I want to live a normal life - but i was birthed for extraordinary events. To be perfectly honest, I would never be happy settling down in a "normal" life. I would always wanna go. Cuz thats what I wanna do. Always move, always grow, always experience. Always live. Man, You don't even know how deep the desires of my heart are to live. I wanna do everything. Wanna learn everything. Wanna record everything. And i wanna do it on my own time. I have a hard time listening to anyone else's advice unless I am ready to hear it. Simply because I have always learned the hard way - a habit I am sure will continue until my dying day. Maybe thats because I don't trust many, maybe it's because some part of me knows they are right but wants to see if I could be right too.

I miss something. I almost feel as if I have dabbled in to much to have any kind of naive faith or belief in humanity anymore. But I wouldn't wanna wonder through this world being led like a lamb to the slaughter, I want truth. Always truth. In this constant changing of my mind and life, My constant has always been Jesus. its like a hurricane is waging war all around me. My hair is a tangled mess in my eyes and I cannot see through my tears but Jesus is calm, Jesus is the middle - he is the peace that I seek and run from. I am nothing but a jumble of conundrums. I am a mess and he is.. solice. I never feel awkward or out of place when i am with him. I never feel like my thoughts are bad or that I am in the middle when I am with him. I feel right.

This earth can offer some of the most splendid things to eat, to see, experience, feel and yet it can also bring the most hurtful pain, sights and sounds to the heart. I am longing for something this world cannot satisfy and I concur just like c.s lewis, that I am not of this world. Oddly, even after writing that, I am reminded that I try so hard to live in this world although I am destined for another. I am in the middle. I live salt and fresh, I live me and God. I live black and white, hot and cold, good and evil. I live in a shaded line of existence that will not sustain life for very long. I cannot do me and serve God at the same time. And I want to. I really wanna just do things my way and make Jesus my prayer vending machine. I want to throw fits when he says no and be a two year old when he doesn't act fast enough for me. God, I am so spoiled.

it is a lonely place in the middle. I think I am too cynical for my own good. My fairy tales shattered one evening by a chapel near a lake. Not that I am all angsty after a bad situation, but I had a horribly naive faith, belief in people, belief in life. Now i am left with the stark reality but filled with hope that god is here, and he is good. God is good. I cling to that. even when i dont understand, or believe. I know that God is good. I am just trying to figure my way through this life. find some balance. and all i've gleamed for now is that God is good. God is here. God is my constant. God is Jesus. Jesus is love. I cannot serve love and selfishness at the same time. I need to choose a side cuz this middle ground crap is lonely and unfulfilling. its gray. the sun or moon are constants. gray is just... so... blah.

his beloved.

The intricate connectivity of those we love

A friend of mine's uncle is dying. Her cousin will be without a father in a couple days. Her Aunt without a husband and the family lacking in someone of worth. Uncle, Father, cousin, aunt, husband, friend. All these titles given to such a small amount of people but what a huge impact a death in anyone's life has on others.

I've been giving this a lot of thought. Just the fact that as a society - we are a community orientated people. Albeit this community is mostly electronically socially orientated - we still desire community. We still interact and share our lives with more than just our friends. When my mom died, my friends had to deal with it too. When my life shatters - my friends have to deal with it in some way. Same thing with my friends. I was feelings really content (as i deep cleaned my place) when i got a phone call from my friend telling me the news. Literally in about 5 seconds - my disposition and emotional status is changed. It effects me too. My friend will obviously receive the brunt of the sorrow but I will grieve for my friend. I will grieve for their family - their families friends. I didn't realize just how connected we really are.

I was a little saddened by my friends news. I cant begin to imagine how I acted after my mom died. But I appreciate the friends who stuck by me and treated me normal even though I was anything but normal. I am saddened at the ones who were too uncomfortable around me to hear me. But I understand. I love people and I love to share my heart with them - I just never knew I would be sharing more than that and caring more than I thought. Not that Im upset by it - I am just amazed at how as completely different people become friends - and learn to love eachother and walk with eachother through the hard stuff. My life isn't just mine. I share it with others and when they grieve - I will grieve and likewise. How beautiful of Jesus to know we needed that.

--xx his beloved

curious

Even when I start to think things will remain the same - in some aspects.. I am again surprised when they do not. Life really is a constant flowing change of river - people, places, ideas and dreams all flowing and moving will always change. It is inevitable. people will change as they meet new people, when they experience death, experience grace, love... when they live. I was thinking fondly about an old friend of mine once and I had to tell myself that the reason I don't talk to him anymore isn't because of issues between us, its because I loved him at a time when he was the best person i'd ever known. His life has changed now as well and I don't like who he is.. wouldn't ever want to be with someone like that again. He is changed, and I as well.

I have a friend - one I have cherished for more than 6 years.. all of a sudden it seemed she has become someone i hardly know anymore. Says things that isn't who she is.. acts like someone i never knew. it blindsides me. hurts my heart.. but I cannot hold back the river. Similarly - when my mom died, my views on death and heaven changed. My views on people changed. My views in this world changed. When I ended a relationship that I never wanted to end and would have NEVER expected to have end - my world view changed. when I experienced life in egypt - i changed. I suppose I would never want to stay stagnant and be the same.. I suppose Change is good.. except i think it is curious how we change for the better - and the worse.

I suppose I want my friend back. I suppose I'd like my mom to be here. I suppose I'd like to be comfortable in the idea of a marriage that would last - but change makes me feel like it wouldn't. I suppose the bad changes can still become the good changes.. and I suppose when Jesus changes us, its always for our bettering.. But the control freak in me wants to be certain about some people.. certain about some things.. and in reality - the only thing I am certain about is that Jesus will always be with me. I cannot expect a marriage to last - I can only try my hardest on my side but whats to say any person I am with will one day decide to change.

I suppose change scares and invigorates me.