The Gritty Truth - but I am alive and this is why.

I have been working hard on trying to be a nicer person.  Not that I am a mean person but I think that I possess some qualities that I would find “not nice.”  I personally feel like I used to be a nicer person.  I think I used to be selfless, patient, trusting and more relaxed than I am now.   What changed?  Great question. I think I used to dedicate myself to something bigger than myself.  I used to dedicate myself to a cause, an entity so to speak, God.  I used to be a follower of Jesus.  I used to be a lot of things.  

Before all this “nicer person” business, I used to be even more things.  I was depressed, suicidal, and struggling.  I had no self-esteem, no faith in myself, no light to turn to.  In my heart that was so full of unmet expectations, my light was dim.  Sure, I had fun on the outside.  I found solace in friends I still have today.  I also found solace at the end of a blade.  I found solace in the end of a bottle, the bitter taste of pills, I found solace but not peace.   These things did not fix my demons.  I believe I became entangled in a web of hopelessness.  Let’s fast forward a bit –

February 25^th 2004.

(a bit of background first.  I was dating this boy. This boy has an encounter with God.  Boy and Girl do a lot of things that would not be considered holy.  Girl feels kind of awkward.  Girl feels like something is changing.  Girl is sad. Girl thinks to pray to the God whom her boy has an encounter with.  Girl doesn’t believe boy is in his right mind.  However, girl grew up knowing about God so she knows at least how to pray.)

I have a conversation with God.  It goes kinda like this:

Me: Okay, God, uh – things are kind of weird.. but I don’t really know what to say to you but *Boy* said I should try talking to you but um, I don’t really know what I’m doing…

God:

Me:  So, uh, anyways, I don’t know what to do about our relationship, it’s a little weird and I just don’t know..

God: break up with him.

Me: …

God: …

Me: okay, what?

God: break up with him.

Me: okay, so, Im crazy and talking to myself.. Gods do not tell people to break up with their boyfriends.

God: break up with him.

Me: okay, you mean to tell me that you, God, are talking to me. 

God:

Me: Prove it.  Prove Im not crazy.  Because I think I’m fucking crazy.

God: Ezekiel 14:2

Me: really? That’s it?  A stupid memory verse?

God:

Me: so you mean to tell me that if I go look this up, you’ll prove that you are talking to me.

God:

Me: … huffs.

Okay,  Holy cow. 

So I go find the only bible my family had – this OLD huge weird “family tree” thing and I flip to the bible verse – literally have never read this book let alone verse in the bible and it reads “And the word of the LORD came to me.”  I freaked out a little bit.  See the reality of this situation would argue that it would have been something I’d heard before – true but I doubt it because I hadn’t.  Reality would also argue that it was coincidence. Sure. But what a damn good coincidence.

Anyways, I personally believe that I would never have accepted God if this did not happen.  I believe I lack trust and I doubt and this is what I needed to believe in God.  I FELT God. I got goosebumps like someone was staring at the back of my neck and I only had one thing to do.  I had to break up with boy.  The conviction was so strong.  So I call, and he doesn’t answer so I think, ah! A test! God does those. But boy calls back and tells girl that he just got finished with prayer and he was feeling like God was telling HIM to break up with ME!  Which sounds surreal. It was.

So I cry.  Now remember, I spent a lot of time wanting to end the pain in my heart and consoling myself with distractions that didn’t really console.  Boy was the biggest distraction, and now with Boy gone, I had no one to shield me from my demons.  I was alone, felt worthless, felt hopeless, and not to mention I was now filled with my 17 year old angst of losing the boy she loved.  And I do the only thing I can think of.  I plan my death.

I go into my bathroom and wallow on the floor, the pain too unbearable to endure.  I lay there wanting my life to end thinking and rethinking all the horrible things I hated about myself, my childhood, my disgust at being alone.  I hated myself. I had nothing but my solaces and I was determined to destroy myself. 

I lay on my bathroom floor, bottle of pills in my hand, razor in the other.  I was going to take the pills, cut the wrists and lay in the tub and die. It sounded peaceful to me.  To end my hurting.  And im crying and Im crying and I cant take it anymore.  Then the phone rings.

Different boy is on phone.  Different boy pleads with me.  Tells me how much God loves me and how he desires my life.  Tells me how much better things could be if I would give god my life.  I cry. I go back to my bathroom floor and I feel the worlds of choice tugging at my soul.  Give my life to God, Give my life away?  Trust me, when I was 17, I was in a bad place.  I wasn’t able to process a lot of the things that had/were happening in my life.  I was not able to understand that things could be different.  I was caught in my storm.  Anyways.  I feel my soul torn and fought for. To kill myself or try God’s way.  Boy on phone coaxes me to give into God.  I wanna say it but I fight for the words. I end up making a deal.  I tell God that I will try things his way and if it doesn’t pan out, I was going through with my plan to kill myself.  However, I do tell God that I needed him and wanted him in my life..   I am pretty okay with this so I go to bed.

The next morning, I woke up feeling something strange in my soul.  Love.  Like – not any kind of love you have ever felt before.  Love.  Like- pure unadulterated love.  Like I was oozing this feeling of fullness.  The birds chirped outside my window and I took a breath of air and I knew, I just knew that God was real.  I felt him in everything.  I felt him in my soul. 

I dived into this God life head first and didn’t stop until after some big events in my life.  Every year in February, I am reminded of the day my life was saved.  I am a person I never thought I would be, I am a new creation.  I am.. So loved. I believe if you surround yourself with things, you become like them.  When you surround yourself with God, you are changed.  I was changed. I am changed.

My finance and I split up when I was in Bible College.  My mom died shortly after.  My whole identity was shaken and tried.  I didn’t really know who I was or who I wanted to be so I gave into myself and did whatever the heck I wanted.  The changes were slight – almost so slight you didn’t notice but eventually I did.  I was less patient, I was less selfless, I looked out for myself instead of others.   I made promises I never kept, I destroyed friendships.  Slowly, I found myself with these characteristics that were horrible.  I honestly believe that you cannot live a selfish life without it coming back to change you.  I think that is what happened in the 4 years I stepped away from Christianity. 

I’m turning 28 today.  I know how to process hurt and pain.  I have delved into the folds of my insecurities and have risen above them.  I have sifted through my baggage and processed a lot of childhood pain.  I am functioning and alive.  I am at a place where I would like to be more kind.  I would like to be more patient, loving and selfless. I would like to be more like the Jesus I read about.  I would like to rebuild my relationship with God. I am at a place where I want this.  So on the day I turn 28, I am thankful for this journey.  I would not be who I am without who I was and who God was to me while I traveled my paths.  11 years ago this month, I could have just died.  But I embarked on a journey that all began with a prayer, a bible and an unorthodox answer from God.  This is why I struggle.  This is why I believe. This is why I press on.

Happy Birthday to me

--his beloved

Stuck up Christianity

"I will not take her to a Mormon church and sit through their sermons because it's against my religion"

"I'm sorry you're going to burn in hell because you don't believe the bible" 

"My interpretation is what's right"

"I would know better than you, my father is a pastor."

I recently sat through a conversation between a few people who worked with developmentally disabled adults about who would take one of the women to her church in the morning. 

The comments above were only some of the things said that evening and I couldn't help but ask myself if these people were serious. 

See, the thing is, I have a very different view of Christianity.  I feel like Jesus hung out with his people and then he hung out with a bunch of "not that cool" of people.  Jesus ate with tax collectors (who culturally were not the most popular people) and spoke to prostutes (which was not a cultural norm either) Jesus challenged the hypocrisy of the church leaders and challenges them to see the root or the heart of the laws and rules instead of just the rules.  Jesus shows compassion and intelligence in his actions.  Why then, as Christians must we shun anything that may threaten our faith??

I feel like it is a travesty.  

Romans 12 says      1Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. 2And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

I feel like I really struggle with this.

I have extremely liberalized views on this world and have a hard time complimenting my views about the world with those found in the bible.  Yesterday, I was having a bit of a conversation with God and I can't tell you what I was discussing but I Remember saying "I'm sorry if that's wrong to you god but that's just how I see it and if it's wrong please help me transform my mind". 

It was the first time in a long time that I meant that.  I don't want to be difficult and I don't want to be some horrible Christian but I won't lie to my heart.   I spent a long time just trying to pretend my thoughts were parallel with those in the bible and I won't lie anymore.  I spent a long time developing how I feel about things and I know God honors my efforts but I know I'm fallible.  God change my heart and my mind if I am. 

Why must we as Christians think so self righteously of ourselves? Why would we shun someone we are mandated by the book to take care of because of how we view other sections of the book? When did Jesus tell us we couldn't be friends with people of other religions? Jesus himself came for the Jews yet opened his grace to the Gentiles-to anyone who believes in him really.  Even if I am liberal in my thoughts, or if I am stuck up in my thoughts- if I was going to claim Christ, wouldn't I still need to transform myself?? Why are we taking it on ourselves to shun the "sinner" but forget my pride? 

God is not a dictator and unfortunately there a lot of people who claim Christ that would paint him as such.  There is no love in the things I began this post with... And if God is love...?

Can a girl just be a sinning christian that has her own opinion about life but know it will change as she grows? Why do I have to be condemned by my thoughts and actions when I am still learning and growing too? Where is the grace??  

And so my prayer is this: God help me hear you and be willing to turn and change when you draw it to my attention.  God help my first response be one of grace and love. Finally, transform the minds of your people away from stuck up Christianity and maybe to that of ..oh I don't know..love?

--your beloved

the Paradox of death

Death is an intensely curious thing. It gives no notice as to when and where or even how it may come. The finality of death creates a melancholy within me that I seem not able to shake. My heart lags inside me and the general placement of my spirit seems dim. Death and loss are only repairable by the knowledge and faith of something after this world. It would be illogical to have such great intelligence, such passionate desires, the talents and skills people posess in this diverse populace only to have it snuffed out like a candle in the window caught with wind. Death trades with us a feeling of empty longing, left open in our chest. A pit is ripped in our insides that bottoms out when a memory, a trace of a reminder crosses paths with our hearts. Death steals away those we love and leaves us stopped in time expecting those around us to stop and look about – yet the time passes the same and not a glance is cast our way. It is as if that life was meaningless; that the universe could care less that a bright spark has been extinguished. You want to cry out "look! remember! Don't you care?! My heart is broken!" But the pain I feel is completly my own and although I am connected - grief maintains a lonely road.

 Cruel fate, the loss of love. We spend all this time sharing the whispers of our souls with another being only to have them taken from us – the whispers of our souls taken with them. No one can craft the love created between two people; whether it be friend or lover, each relationship is its own, none duplicated and never again to be repeated. This is the heartbreak of death. We are left with memories and a world that callously continues despite the stopping of our own. 

 This body inevitably will fail us. Death is inevitable. The only repreve that I have is that grief is a feeling many can share in and this world is not designed to be lived alone. Although I may feel as if the world has stopped and I am sitting alone in my sorrow, the reality is that the world continues because there is reason for it to continue. To live in this moment is the only certain thing we have. To be able to hold someone’s hand and share in their life over coffee is a catalyst of moment. We inspire and share our souls with everyone around us through a story or joke and we are connected. I am not alone even though you have left. Even though my heart longs for yours, I am still connected. 

 To be living in the moment, we make sure that life is lived completely. Not one breath is promised. Not one day is to be taken for granted. What a waste it would be to live a life devoid of passion and dreams- unable to connect with those we have around us. Although death may sting, life is a salve. Look! Look around at the beauty it offers us: The smell of a flower ripened in the sun, the laughter of a baby joyous with love. The kiss of the wind, unseen but powerful and the brilliance of the sun who rises again. The beauty of forgiveness and the grace of second chances. A mothers love, a child’s faith, the joy of achieving our goals. These things are constant, death cannot steal every single one. 

 So although my heart be weary from sorrow, my eyes dry from tears, and my soul discouraged by despair – I look up and onward for although the day may stop for me, the world continues on and I am still a part of it. I am still here. Like I said, death is an intensely curious thing.. 

 -jackie

An ocean of secrets

There are places deep inside that carry the stories my mouth dare not breathe
places I hold secret and dare world to never see
The depth of emotion mine to hold
no one will ever know

 my heart carries your breath on my neck
the memories of walks in the wood
to special places where we would hide within each other
the taste of romance twinged in sin
 beautiful bliss exploding within

 heart inside me full of depth
full of these places I have kept
forever a part of me they never leave
a memory hidden deep within me

 The heart an ocean never fully explored
 not even I know the wonders it holds
a picture, a song, and I am transported back
 to a taste and a longing I didn't remember to have had

I remember myself young and niave
so full of love, so pure and free
in that moment that my heart chose to capture
I am forever in love with a darling character

There are secrets inside this heart of mine
there are secrets in this heart of mine
held to cherish

all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another....

John 13:34-35 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

When I first read this verse of the bible, I thought, "wow, that's so true - I really like that"  and then I couldn't get it out of my head.  My optimism turned sour and then I found myself thinking "But where ARE these disciples?"

Coming from a christian girl who has recently reclaimed her faith in Jesus Christ, I still carry many jagged emotions about the hypocrisy of the christian church.  You see, in my story in particular, when I chose to make my own decisions that rebelled from the christian way of thinking, I found a lot of people who seemed to only know me/like me/support me when I was strolling through life the "proper way."

Being brought up a bit rough and thrown to adulthood with no sense of which way to go and how to handle my baggage, I, of course, fell from my faith and took the hard way to figure myself out.  While I was walking that journey, I fell from grace - not necessarily God's grace but the good graces of those people I had spent many years serving Christ with.  I think I made people uncomfortable.  I know for awhile, feeding the wolf of selfishness inside me turned me into a flaming jackass.  However, there are few that I can recall who loved me - GENUINELY loved me from the distance I placed around myself.  These people are the people who have shown me Christ.  These people are the people who inspired me to return to Christ.  These people are those genuine lovers of God that the world needs more of.  

So, with my split heart leaning towards godliness and jaded cynicism, I can only wonder: Where are the disciples of the church? Where are the christian's who would sit with the sinner and be genuine friends with them despite their obvious sin filled life?  Where are the Christians who chase the fallen because friendship doesn't mean "only friends if we are both serving god."  Where are the Christians who make themselves uncomfortable to be Christ for the broken?  When did Christians get so selfish and stuck up that we can't follow the dude we proclaim to follow?  When did stipulations become so prevalent?  Then the church wonders why people want nothing to do with Christ. When did we get so surface?  Where is the love of Christ?  But whatever happened to loving someone because they are full of depth and character?  Why do we have to love people only when they act worthy enough?  Doesn't that negate what Jesus says in the bible all along?  I have met more genuine people covered in sin than those I find in the church.  

Don't get me wrong.  I am not trying to bash the Christian church - much.  I am ashamed to be walking back into a faith that means empty dust to those around me.  I am ashamed to have been so surface.  I am ashamed to have been this empty disciple to so many who fell away before me.  What is the cause for all this?  Jesus wants to turn us into someone new.  He even promises that the work he starts will be finished.  We are a continual work in progress and we will let people down.  We will succumb to our selfishness more than we succumb to our selflessness.  Jesus walked with sinners because he loved them.  People are changed because Jesus loved them.  Love changes everything - but what about when people don't change?  What about when they don't follow our expectations?  WE LOVE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE WORTH IT.  Everyone.  No matter what.  

this being said - I challenge believers to get outside your cliques, your fake smiles, your "must be perfect" expectations for yourself and look inward.  Really look at yourself and understand that just becuase you work harder to be better and you spend ten hours in the bible doesn't make you any better than the drunk down the street.  Jesus is the beautiful thing inside us, not our works.  Especially not our works that we proclaim for public opinion.  Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place to brag about what you are proud of and being proud of our accomplishments isn't a bad thing. - Good for you for doing it.  But don't turn into a cocky know it all who is too stuck up to remember what its like to feel like a failure and let those feelings swallow you whole.   

You know what brought me back to church?  Genuine people who I can relate to.  No one can relate to perfect.  Transparency with yourself and others.  A real healthy dose of reality.  That is what I am comfortable with.  I cannot relate to perfect or even trying to be perfect and I honestly believe that Jesus doesn't expect us to be perfect - He wants us to be transformed and to LOVE one another and Love Him.  So I challenge those of you who actually read all the way to the bottom of this honest confession.  Be honest with yourself, be transparent, understand that you are the sinner you are because you know you are saved by HIS grace - not yours. And for (literally) God's sake - can we start loving each other instead of judging each other?  Loving each other instead of  being happy that something bad happened to that person you don't like?  Can we love each other instead of choosing our comforts first?  Because if we can, I think I might actually see some of those disciples Jesus was talking about.  Maybe the world might see some of those disciples Jesus was talking about.  Maybe the world will know that we belong to a good God who accepts us despite our flaws and maybe can believe He could accept them too.  Maybe the love is the key.  Maybe even if you are not religious - could we just learn to love one another and put out a hand?

--Jackie

his beloved. 

the collision of faith and romancing the idea of return

I've spent a lot of time in my christian walk not walking. I have spent nearly half of my christian existence sitting down playing in the mud. When I collided with the christian faith, my entire being was changed.  I am changed.  I cannot ever go back to the person I was.  That person was dark, sad, lonely and depressed.  That person was lost in an ever circling tide that threatened to pull her under the water and into the depths forever.  That person ran away and hid in shame, slaughtered herself at the disgust of herself and ingested the world to escape the ever constant pain.

Jesus was always a bright spot in my life.  Even when serving him was hard, he was always the best thing.  I know that is hard to understand for those who have never collided with faith but that's just how it was.  I spent a good 5 years hot and heavy at the breast of Christianity.  I soaked up every word, every challenge, every good thing that I could do to dedicate myself to this culture until my rock was swept out from underneath me.  My safety net was torn to shreds and I was left standing in the mist of my ideologies.  How naive I was.  How young I was.

My rock taken from me, my faith challenged before me, my path skewed asunder ----  I took a leap and jumped off the bridge right into the muck I was saved from.  I spent a good three years giving myself over to my own desires.  Lust, desire, greed, hate, self. I spent a lot of time doing me.  One day, I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself - or like myself.

So lets just fast forward to now.  I have finally come to the conclusion that I really do believe my faith.  I have spent many months finding out how I feel about things. A lot of these things are liberal ideas that pertain to gray areas of christian ideology.  I have a very good grasp of the Christian faith and the things it teaches but I also understand that people are gray. People are not black and white and I think it ludicrous to expect people to follow a rigid black and white rule system.   

For example: god says you shouldn't kill- that is pretty black and white however, if I kill someone protecting my family, I don't think I've done anything wrong.  The loss of the life is unfortunate but I won't condemn myself for doing something I had to.  Let's also say: you shouldn't lie.  But we tell our kids (in good fun and excitement) about Santa the Easter bunny and tooth fairy. It's all grey.

I have come from my journey with an understanding that I do not know the heart of man.  Even my own I have barely grasped and I cannot judge the truth unless I know it's entirety.  God knows the heart and he understands why we do some of the things we do and I think he has compassion on us.  I think god will understand why I felt it necessary to sin.  That is why we need a savior anyways. 

I understand that a lot of my ideas may not correlate to the Christian faith and like I said they are a bit liberal but until I am "transformed by the renewing of my mind" I like the balance I have achieved by my wanderings. I believe it will make me a better person and a more understanding Christian. 

His beloved 

Forgiveness - The Beauty in Letting Go

Two years ago, my husband and I found out that we were expecting.  It was really exciting.  I immediately ran out and bought the "what to expect when you are expecting" book and made sure I wasn't drinking anymore.  I started taking the vitamins and was cautious at work.  I was so tired but we were going to make it work. I remember thinking that my fears of having a miscarriage were part of the package because the book said so.

I wasn't going to tell anyone until the first trimester was over but I was just too excited.  A woman that I worked with had also found out she was pregnant; we bonded over that fact.  I eventually decided that people would have to know at work since I wasn't able to work with a specific resident while being pregnant, so I told everyone.  The woman I worked with told just her friends.  I kept my mouth shut online but my family, friends and co-workers knew.  I was just so excited.

Our three month check up was supposed to be a beautiful day where I recorded the heart beat and sent another ultra sound picture to my family.  It was going to be the day I made it public.  It was supposed to be a good day.  Instead, our doctor could not find the little beating heart and the picture on the screen looked very similar to the very first ultra sound we had a month prior.  She looked at us and calmly explained that there was no living thing inside me and we had miscarried.

Tears.

The shock was bad, the night of was bad, I learned a lot about myself and a lot more about my friends and family.  Most people don't know what to say.  A lot of people don't know how to react.  But in the after math of it all, I was mostly just grieving. Its hard to explain how you love something you have never met or held.  A part of my heart died with it and I was just sad.  In the midst of everything, the woman I had bonded with over our pregnancies had respectively within the next week or two also had a miscarriage - or so she told me, to my face.

It was later discovered that while I was crying about my loss, she terminated her pregnancy and claimed a miscarriage.  I hugged her, comforted her and offered my broken heart and soul in the hopes that through my sorrow, I could help hers - and she let me. I am sure she was grieving. maybe. I have to believe she was. I wouldn't have an abortion but I understand why women feel they need to.  I kind of understand why she needed to. What I didn't understand is how she looked me in the face and lied to me.  I felt like my emotions were preyed upon and I looked silly, and stupid.   I felt stupid.

I never told her that I knew she was lying.  There is a reason why people feel like they have to lie to you, but I kept the pain and hurt and anger at what she did inside my heart.  Lost respect for her, made fun of her, and really just kind of hated her.  I hated that my baby got taken away and she just killed hers. I was jealous that I wanted a child and she let hers go. That she had the option of letting hers go.  I hated that my husband and I were falling apart and she was free to go dance at the club.  I was so mad.  There was a large amount of unforgiveness.  Don't get me wrong. She doesn't need to apologize for having an abortion, I wanted her to see how manipulative it was to allow me to grieve a loss when the loss was her choice to have.  It didn't seem right somehow.

fast forward a bit and somewhere deep down, I am still a little angry.  I am still angry because I never dealt with it.  I tried to excuse it, forget about it, explain it away but I never fully confronted it.  Last night, I somehow did.  See, I stopped really being involved in this woman's life but when I heard about her, my attitude was one of an eye roll or "oh, yeah sure" attitude.  I caught myself doing this and realized why.  I had not forgiven her and the actions I made towards any mention of her were not the nicest.  This unforgiveness was affecting me.  I was the one who was being nasty, and rude.  I was the one who was reacting out of this pain that would never be resolved until I had dealt with it.  I was the one who should ask her forgiveness.

When I decided to follow the ways of Christianity, it was with the given that I would be forgiven for all my wrongs.  It didn't matter how many times I repeated those wrongs, but I would continue to be forgiven.  Jesus says to forgive not just seven times but seventy times seven.  It is not my job to hold mistakes over people's heads - no matter how hurtful they might have been to me.  Forgiveness not only allows me to breathe properly but heal and move on.  This woman never knew how bad she hurt me.  She never knew I felt this way, never lost a moments sleep - but I did.  Anger and unforgiveness can do this.  I think that is why God wants us to forgive.  He doesn't want us to be held down by pain and hurt but he came to give life and life to the full.  I could not be living a full life if I was holding onto something that was holding no value.

So, out of no where, I forgave her.  I wish her the best.  I have to believe that who she was and what she did was not intentionally done to hurt me and even if it was, I would still have to forgive her.  Because at the end of the day - Jesus died to set us free, he forgave me and set the precedent - which makes it my job to forgive those around me, regardless of how bad it may have hurt.  In this forgiveness, there is freedom.  She never has that power over me and I am able to move on.  Therein lies the beauty of forgiveness.

-his beloved.