reconciliation pt. 2

I've spent many hours struggling with the thoughts of my previous post. I talked to one of the women that I work with and she helped me realize that it all comes down to making peace with the fact that I have no control over what the universe does.

 Now, I have to fit this into my faith somehow because I do believe in a loving God and I live by the words "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, those who are called according to his purposes" (Romans 8:28)So. This is my conclusions so far. Yes. I have no control over this universe or what anyone may or may not do or not do in my life. I have no control over what may happen to those around me and I cannot answer why bad things happen to good people. I don't think it always "means" something. I do not think God is always "testing" us when bad things happen. I think that there are so many people on this planet with a million different fragments embedded in their souls that cause actions and reactions. A past hurt, a past triumph, a bad day, a good thing, a wrong idea, a cocky attitude. I think all these things combined create a chaos. I think God allows a lot of these things to continue because he does not interfere with free will. But I also have to believe that God intervenes in ways I am ignorant of. I do not know how many of the bad things in my life were lessened for my sake, or how many things he knew I would overcome despite the consequences to my character.  It is for this reasoning, I believe grace abounds more than we can imagine.  The christian who killed himself - why do we believe he died in sin?  Why do we believe there is a black and white that condemns him to hell?  I don't, and I am sorry if that is offensive to believers but its the holy spirits job to correct me so I wouldn't worry too much.

I do not believe that God is black and white.  I do not believe that God condemns us for our ignorance.  I believe our hearts are deeper than that and our ignorance deeper still.  So. I have to reconcile my questions to God.  I have no control and what control I do have is based upon me.  If a car smashes into me and damages my brain, I will have the control to end care that will keep me in a vegetative state.  I have to believe my life meant something while I was alive.  I have to believe in my death, I will still mean something. I have to live in the moment.

I have to live in the moment.  I must be present in this moment.  Right now.  pray for what I hope for but be thankful for what I have now.  right now.  I have to stop the laments of what I cannot control/have/want/wish for.

I have to live in the now because that's all I do have control over and I will have to learn to make peace with the lack of actual control I do have.

- His beloved.

Reconciliation

How do we reconcile a happy ending fairy tail to a perfect god? Who taught us that we get happy endings? We'd be lucky if we scrapped by without an illness or horrible split of relationship in the family. We'd be lucky to survive a horrible storm that destroys our entire lives. What of our dreams and goals? Who taught us that we can have anything? 

These thoughts aren't true. we would be counted blessed to have a life with only a few tragedies. What of the people who live in constant tragedy? The broken and penniless in Africa? Are they broken? Or have they learned to consider every good day a blessing? Do they believe they deserve the big house, with the dog and no harm or illness? Do Africans believe in happily ever after? Bad things should never happen to good people but they do all the time. Children are left alone and abandoned all the time. Girls and boys are sold into sex trafficking all the time. People are bullied because of race, religion and color all the time. 

This world is a tangle of love and hate, humanity and desparity. What is my perspective? I find it's being challenged right now and I want to with all my heart worship the god I believe is good despite the broken and bad things that may be in my life. How do I sing when I allow the bad to break my song? How do you worship god when you just want to cry? What is the real happy ending? Does it even exist? How do I reconcile these thoughts with the gospel? 

I need to spend some time with broken people who have perspective. learn to sing when the words are ripped from the heart. Is that the real happy ending? I hate that everything always comes back to God for me. In the end, I must choose to sing for he is good despite the chaos I live in. In the end- is he the only happy ending? Is it just a better perspective? 

I don't know.

- his beloved

Don't just be in the moment.. Be present

Sometimes, all we need is a hand to hold.  I work with old people, all types of generational appeal and class.  A lot of these people have dementia or Alzheimer's disease which is sad because I am sure they have stories upon stories untold and long forgotten hidden inside their minds.  One such individual, a woman in her nineties, 98 to be exact, was in the prime of her sundowners for the day (which is a fancy term for people with such diseases as her who become upset, confused, concerned, aggressive - really anything other than okay) and she wheeled over to me in her wheelchair and said in her little voice "hey." Hey. Hey. Hey.  

I turned around and she just looked at me with her knowing eyes and said "my back hurts."

I asked her if she wanted to lay down to which she replied she would lay down when she was good and ready. She was upset so I took

Her hand and she stilled. I just held her hand for a minute. Two minutes. Three. Finally I put my charting down and committed to the act of holding her hand. She calmed. 

After while she took her hand back and wheeled away but she imparted much wisdom to me while we held hands. Don't just be in the moment . Be present in the moment . Put aside your agenda and be with someone. Listen without texting. Listen without interrupting to respond. Take the time out of your life to give of yourself the way THEY need it instead of how you are most comfortable with it. It's these little things that make the biggest difference. This is how you save lives , promote healing, strengthen bonds.  But mostly, this is how you calm the storm- by sitting in it with someone. 

We were never meant to be alone. 

An ode to love

open is the wound of the affliction of my heart

For my deepest burning desire keeps the incision peeled apart 

Where once an iron cage kept my weary soul from longing

Now freed from protection, my heart drips with the delight of belonging

Innocent and unsure is the road to fury and passion

But love, sweet love, marks the way with subtle directions 

Gone are the days, my being kept behind a wall

Though safe and sultry, no love thrived at all

Ripped apart to all love desires

My heart stands bare simmering in fire. 

Regret

Regret?

It’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I used to want to be one of those people who would charge into life with their fists held high screaming the motto “NO REGRETS!!”  I always wished I felt that way but I never have.  It would be a lie to myself if I ever proclaimed such a thing.  The thing is, I do have regrets.  Many of them.  I have made a lot of mistakes and my poor personality complex towards humanity screams each one of said regrets in the face of another.  I have the ability to beat myself up until I have no self-esteem left.  I can be pretty critical. 

Because I feel these things, I do have regrets.  I wish I had done this thing differently, or I wish I had stood up for my friend better.  Regrets stem out of the idea of who we want to be.  Whether it be the fact that we don’t want to be the douche bag friend and not hurt so many peoples feeling or we want to be the brave assertive person who says what they feel and takes life by the balls.  Regret is an emotion brought forth by something that happened the way we didn’t want it to.

No regrets.  The war cry sounds like an awesome idea.  Who wants to feel those emotions anyways?  We beat ourselves up, feel really crappy, and it follows us around – if you let it.  However, I think regret helps us grow.  I think feeling those things helps us turn ourselves around and change.  Become a better person; stand up for that friend the next time.  Regret has the ability to turn us into the people we know we can be.  

Regret is something I have been feeling a lot of lately.  A very close family friend lies in her bed ready to pass away and I waited to call.  I don’t know why I waited – I think I was avoiding the awkward death conversation.  I wanted to believe she would be okay.  I wanted to deal with it later.  I wanted to procrastinate the inevitable.  I cannot talk to her or go visit her now because she is almost ready to pass and cannot hear or talk back to me.  I will never be able to say I got the chance to say goodbye.  I have been kicking myself since I found out.  I never want this to happen again and I hate to say that she is the reason for my change but from now on, I will call.  I never want to put aside for tomorrow what needs to be done today because it makes me uncomfortable.  This regret that I feel for not calling my friend has irrevocably changed my entire view on procrastination and relationships. I do it a lot. 

Regret can be a good thing. So now when I hear carpe diem, yolo, no regrets and the like- instead of wishing I felt that way- now I will. Because hopefully I have made enough mistakes to make the right choices the first go around. And if not? I'll use regret to my advantage so no opportunity in life is wasted. 

- his beloved 

 

 

Transcending reality

It's interesting how quickly one can transcend reality by jumping back into a memory. A phrase, a song, the sound of the birds, the rain of the roof. Anything, everything - it can rip you straight from your world and into the past where a moment lies forever burned into your soul.  It could be something one wouldn't remember until the smell of melted butter reminded them, or it could be a fond memory of a lover that occurs after that song plays on the radio.  

Did we even know that the memory was stored in our infinite folders of personal data? How much do we even know about ourselves? 

One cannot recreate the moment but is taken by surprise when they are whisked away to confront the moment as a bystander.  The moment is fleeting, leaving us with either positive or negative emotions as a gift to add to our lives. 

Yes, the moment was good- or bad- or rarely as tangible as these transcending moments create but the past IS the past and I cannot change such a fact. 

I think I've arrived

I have found peace. By peace I would argue that I have found a soothing to my soul. It would be safe to say that I have spent much time chasing my own sanity all the while losing it. 

This year, it has been ten years since Christ found me.  I would tell you my "salvation story/testimony" but at the risk of being scorned, I will save that for later. Alas, February 25 2004, I lay on my bathroom floor engaged in a battle of wills. To believe or not believe in a God I had always heard about and maybe even possibly experienced. To make a choice.

Well choose I did. I chose to try living for him, my mustard seed faith was small but it was enough.  when I awoke the following morning, I felt something in my heart I could try to explain but would fail. A fullness, a depth, a passion, a fire, desire. Something bigger than I. And so my walk began. Actually, to be honest it sort of started as a crawl and then morphed into a blinding run.  I wanted to know everything I could possibly know about Jesus.  I met people who knew Jesus, I found a church and devoured the bible. I loved who Jesus was. I was in love with him.  now for the cynic who would argue that one could not be "in love" with Jesus, i understand where you're coming from. Sounds crazy. And maybe I was a little bit. but yes, I was infatuated and in love with him. 

Fast forward four years and time would find me knee deep in my second to last year of bible school. I was going to school to be a missionary (which upon thoughtful reflection, one does not actually NEED school to do such things but hey, it was where I felt like I was supposed to be at that time. I was engaged to my Christian boyfriend, leading an all girls self esteem small group, and getting ready for my missionary internship in Egypt. 

I don't know exactly what the catalyst was. I don't know if I actually sat down and processed my faith or just surrounded myself with like minded individuals but my steam was running out. It just all seemed so... Pointless.  

My perfect Christian life seemed so forced and fake, like I wasn't being genuine at all. The hypocrisy I walked in nearly drowned me. Of course I wasn't much aware of these emotions at the time, but I knew something was wrong. 

I think the breaking point was when I was excitedly talking about the Pentecostal church I attended and my boyfriend interrupted me saying "I wish you would just think a little deeper sometimes."  

I was properly offended and he explained to me something along the lines of how I wasn't a deep thinker and wished I would think about things more.  I think he was trying to encourage me to think outside the box, which was nice of him but it really just shattered the faith I had in my faith.  I didn't realize there was another way to think about it because that's how it was portrayed to me. I was living the way it was. 

However, I prayed. I prayed that god would grant me wisdom beyond my years, depth and thoughts full of knowledge. I never wanted to feel shallow again.  Thus, my "deep thinking" began. I began to question EVERYTHING which please, don't get me wrong, is so so healthy- but if you choose to question, be ready to figure out how to answer. 

it turned into a dark place.  Ignorance really can be a blissful place.  

I found my faith again while traveling Egypt but the real journey started after I graduated. My fiancé and I split due to many many things but I honestly believe him and I wouldn't have worked because he had his ideas about how things should be and I had my (very different) opinions  The ideas clashed and could not be reconciled. despite the brutal split, he carries a place in my heart. 

I reacquainted myself to a man from my past who was as liberal as liberal could be. How free! he was loving and accepting and let me be. If I wanted to drink, we drank. If I wanted to yell, he was strong enough to handle it and man enough to put me in my place when I needed it. If I wanted to curse or bar hop or drink and smoke, he was acceptant. he taught me what it meant to be and let be. To accept and love for exactly who you are in the present moment. He teaches me to think outside myself.  

I'm getting off topic, thinking. Yes, I thought. I Thought about my stance on EVERYTHING. Abortion, drinking, god, sex, porn, drugs, politics, guns, heaven, hell, purgatory, Catholics, atheism, masturbation, the bible, immorality and what the hell did I believe about the bible.   I spent a year trying to do this while serving in my church after moving home from Christian school which was painful. I felt my social Christian obligation to the wonderful Christians I had met along the way but I also felt the freedom of sin that was so freely available to my veins. Sin won out. Sin was freedom. Was sin really sin? 

I stopped attending church on the preface of working too much and not able to wake up which although true, really the truth was that you don't feel comfortable in church when you aren't trying to live for Jesus. the Holy Spirit squeezes at your heart and makes you want to tear your soul in two. How tortuous. Forget all that noise. So I stopped. I kept up a nice facade with the people who loved me like my youth pastor and his wife. Those are some legit people. 

Anyways, I think I was just over it. Over the selfless, the missionary, the people first and I wanted to be the opposite of all those things. So I did. I drank, smoked, and did my thing for a long while until I started noticing my personality started changing into someone I wasn't necessarily proud of. I was yelling more, thinking of myself more, treating my friends not as great, and generally just being a big asshole. but that's what happens when you live for yourself for 4 years. You get selfish. You develop a temper. You become a jerk. 

It was this thought that began turning my soul to more Christ like thoughts and questions. Also, as I thought through my thoughts on life, I developed into a pensive person. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I like to understand things. I learned that about myself, so when my questions weren't answered, I sought my answers. 

My desire to return to my faith was birthed by a hole. when you meet with Jesus, you collide with something bigger than yourself. When You welcome this bigger thing into your life, you notice its absence when you push it away. I was noticing. so I went searching for my answers in the bible. I vowed to read it cover to cover and not stop until I figured out what I needed to know.  While I was thinking about doing this, I began attending a church. Okay. That's a lie. I attended bi monthly until one day I saw their advertisement for a nursery helper. I felt like I should do it. So I did.  Now I had to come to church once a month. And that's all it was for awhile.  But I grew to know the people and the pastor and his wife were annoyingly Jesus like.  The Jesus described in the bible.  Not the Jesus our culture acts like.  Living, loving, welcoming, inviting, so freaking beautiful and full of love. I liked that.

I never wanted to be a part of something fake. I didn't want to be a stereotype Christian living a religion no one took seriously, but these people were doing something I was into. Love.  

So, I sought this love. Which has led me to read the bible, seek Jesus, find my faith.  I have finally decided for myself that Jesus is something I'm into.  I feel like figuring that out has brought me peace.  

I'm not perfect, I'm still selfish, I'm still all about practical thinking and I know many would argue the impractical nature of following Jesus. That's okay, I get it.  But I still know what I've lived and what I've experienced. 

Now while I figure things out, I can do so with a measure of peace resting in my heart and a proverbial hand in my hand.  I choose Jesus. By doing so, I've found peace I didn't know I didn't have. 

Until next time

-his beloved