Embracing the suck

You know that scene in Cinderella at the very end when she overcomes her circumstances, bags the prince, gets free of her stepmother and sisters and finally has a shot at a happy ending? The premise being, of course, that true love exists and fairy tales come true *eventually*

When I dream of things in my future, I don't dream about all the bad things that can (and could realistically happen) I envision all the happy potential I will enjoy once I get to my Cinderella moment. But what if those moments aren't the reason you're on this particular journey? What if it sucks so bad and your only option is to ride the suck? 

I recently planned a bike ride, all sunny and perfect in my head.  When it came time to bike however, the rain was falling so blasphemously that all I could do was stare in disbelief because I was Cinderella- I had the drive, the bike and the destination but I wasn't riding in a fairy tale. That bike ride was hard, cold and wet but I had to do it to get home so I had to just do it.  I raged inside at the complete audacity of nature to ruin my fairy tale bike ride.  

But that's the thing about fairy tales.  Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White- the stories all stop at the beginning of their fairy tale.  You don't know how hard it was for Cinderella to run a castle or if Snow White had a mental illness, Sleeping Beauty obviously had some health issues after she woke but we don't think about those things.  And for the sake of argument, if we did think about those things, we certainly wouldn't be able to really *know* what living with those extra variables did to their fairy tale. 

I think the reason we like the idea of a fairy tale is that it makes our struggle worth it.  All the bad for the good. But life isn't like that.  It ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes, hills and valleys etc etc.  My biggest struggle is to stop trying to live the Disney idea of a fairy tale and let life's tale happen. 

This has been something I've become aware to as I've learned how to incorporate discipline into my life.  ((Just a side note - discipline sucks- but in a good way I think))

I have learned how to find a goal, make a plan and then just keep fighting for that goal, despite my feelings, my failures, my insecurities and the overall desire to be "happy." But even my definitions for all these things have changed in the few months I've strived.  I argue with myself because I don't want to confront it ( or believe it) but in reality, we make our fairy tales.  We choose how to react when things get hard, we choose how to deal when we find feelings we aren't comfortable with and we choose how the story plays out. 

Life is not in our hands.  I didn't choose what happened to you in your life any more than I chose what has happened to me.  For a long while, (I realize now) I just ducked my head and tried to wait it all out. Just get through it, I have done that my entire life- just hold on long enough for things to get better.  

But as I discipline myself, I realize - I was still hiding from the sucky parts of life.  I found distractions in work, relationships and the complexities they provide, food, drink - u name it and I'm sure I've turned my face to it.  But. Grinning and bearing it, holding on till the happy comes, any other lame platitude - it doesn't actually help because I'm hiding from the wave of whatever makes me uncomfortable still- I needed to learn to ride the suck. To be able to embrace that there will be hard times in my life and there may never be a perfect fairy tale ending because we never see the endings. My ending is what I will make of it and I think we can only know how to do that proficiently when we learn to accept the suck and embrace life as it comes. 

Dare I hope?

I covered myself in a shield of your words, 

Darting and furling with the strength of a hurricane.  I repeated the words, hurled in anger over and over until I could hear no others 

I carried my bitterness like a trophy on my back, martyred in the injustice of my broken ideals.  Intimate reminders of stolen kisses and unstoppable laughter a remnant of another world, replaced with sighs and distrust.

I carried on with my pride as it strengthened my resolve while I walked with my judgments held high, broken heart leaving a bread trail in case I'd ever find the way back to happy and normal.

These defenses weighed me down and blackened my soul- lonely and aching at the loss of my source of strength.  Your presence blew around me but I cowered with my walls, aching to grab hold but fighting to push you away.  The pain I felt in feeling you, cut me deeper still and I faced the storm to surrender. Apathetic. You win. Fuck you. I can't win this war. I can't fight what I don't know. 

I plan to let go and I hate myself.  I can't stand in this storm for you without you.  I can't stand in this storm alone.  But hope strikes the stone I've created as a heart and brings light to my soul, if only - if only, do I dare hope? 

You pass by again, seeing me like you haven't - your hand on my shoulder and the words I desperately need to hear whisper in my ear: "I want this to work."  My melting heart turns to mush and I almost miss your touch. 

My walls crumble, pride is spent, bitterness pours off my heart and I am left standing in the middle of the storm. Again alone, the touch of you left branded on my core- dare I hope? Dare I hope. Against my better judgement (damn walls, where are you?) I believe you.  

Take a deep breath and hold on because this isn't going to be easy but I'm coming to find you, and I'm coming to bring you home.  We can rebuild what this storm has damaged, I will learn with you. All I have are my hands (empty) and a heart that doesn't know what it's doing. 

I step into the storm blind but my heart says this is the right way.  Dare I choose to believe? Dare I hope?  

You've never looked more beautiful

I am temporarily blinded by the dark when I open the door to her home. Stale smoke and sweat cuts through the stuffy nose I was fighting and I shut the door behind me. As my eyes adjust, I see her form, tiny under the covers.  Stepping silently into the room, I look around at her life. 

The bedspread that you were so proud of, full of cigarette burns and near misses.  The medicine coursing through your veins undoubtedly had an obvious effect.  Your humidifier is empty, belied only by the red light shining in the corner.  Remnants of the protein shakes lie half filled in cups scattered about your bedside table. A box full of medicine lies open next to you, saving grace that it is. 

You take a deep breath and I am drawn to your face- sunken, sallow, outlined by your skull.  Your hair has grown and after weeks of it being gone, I am still not used to seeing it on your head. Your collar bone, so prominent, reveals the depth of your illness, the cancer that ravages and depletes your strength.  As I come near you, you wake, black eyes unfocused as they stare at me. 

I help you sit up and we fall into pace with each other. 

You're sweaty, I can see it on your face and you feel gross, you've mentioned on more than one occasion.  I run your bath, taking care to move potential tripping hazards from your path.  I pour lavender Epsom salts and bubble bath into the steaming water in the hopes it will bring you peace. The bathroom has been transformed into a sanctuary.  Come find rest. 

The tea is done and we must have a cup before we do anything.  We talk over the rim of our glasses; heavy topics that neither of us have any answer for- Life and death, heaven and hell, pain and peace, being alone. My heart is flooded with love for her, despite my best defenses of protecting myself.  Healthy boundaries has been my mantra of late, and I'm finding it difficult to adhere. She's just so damn likeable, dammit. 

I finish my tea and try to coax her out of her bed- a task that is becoming harder and harder as the days pass.  Finally, with the promise of clean sheets she sighs and stumbles into the bathroom to pee.  Our conversation follows the normal pattern of asking personal questions about her toileting habits and her unabashed answers. I help her slip off her clothes and hold her lithe frame as she steps into the hot water.  Her body visually relaxes and the strain of her illness seems to melt from her face.  

She closes her eyes and sinks back to lay, covered by the water, in a place where she finds relief from her torments.  I watch her as the steam swirls around her.  Her tiny body sporting the remains of a figure ravaged by time. Bubbles stick to the skin from her arms and she sighs, content. Not one to miss a cigarette break she pulls one from the pack I laid out for her and I light it in silence. 

When I look back at Lloydene, I know this moment has already been branded in the depths of my heart - I want to remember this moment.  She pulls her knees to her chest and lays her head on them, long lit cigarette dangling from her thin fingers.  She is tired and worn but never more herself in all her insecurities, fears and hopes.  Her essence was pure- accepted and resigned.  How honored I was to be able to behold such a raw look at the soul of a person. 

She is ready to lay back down so she washes her face and I scrub her back.  She unsteadily rolls to her knees to try and stand to which I lift her wobbly frame from the tub.  I wrap her in her towel and put her in her new purple robe, coveted as one of the few gifts from her beloved sister. She rubs her hands down the robe, feeling like a little girl and royalty all in one. She takes a look in the mirror and sighs, shoulders dropping and I help her to her room. 

I change her sheets, painting a picture of how nice she will feel when she crawls back in. She sits on the chair in the corner, huddling into her robe sipping the vestiges of her tea while she talks to me. When I am finished, I pull the corner back invitingly with a knowing smile. I know what she wants.  She sits on the side of the bed and I help her into her shorts.  She sighs again this time as she stretches out into her nicely changed bedding.  I offer her a smoothie- the food of choice for the past six months, and she declines in favor of another cigarette chased with copious amounts of pain medicine.  

She sits and smokes while I finish putting the bathroom back together and refill her air humidifier. I make sure she has enough water until the next person comes to see her and when I return to her room I find her curled under her blankets with her eyes closing.  

Thank you she whispers, that's what I've been needing all along.  

I am honored that the gift I have bestowed upon her today is a feeling that comes from good places - places like chicken soup when you're sick or hot cocoa on a cold day. That feeling that everything will be okay despite itself. 

I kiss her cheek and feel the bones of her face under her softly washed skin - she has never been more beautiful to me. 

Companions for the journey home

There is a woman who goes to chemo on the days that lloydene goes.  She wears a blue saggy cloth hat to keep her head warm while she sits in the slightly chilly infusion room. 

She was laying under a blanket on a gurney-improvised-bed. She was gentle and her bright blue eyes blazed through her white paper thin skin, stretched taught over the bones of her face.  Her clothes hung from her, a gentle reminder of the weight she'd lost as she waged her battle with cancer.  She carried a champions flag that day as it was her very very last day of treatment and her numbers were looking good.  She carried herself with an air of exhausted regal champion-hood. She was as graceful as a ballet dancer and her refined laugh sung when I told her so.  Trudy- lithe and beautiful had finished her chemo and was looking towards the future. 

When Trudy met us, we were just settling into our chairs for the 6 hour wait while lloydene received her chemotherapy. We talked and shared our congratulations and wished her good luck as her husband, whom walked with a wooden cane and a stiff leg took her home.  Trudy and lloydene had met as people dealing with the same thing but she had finished the race and was way  ahead of us.  They were at different points if the journey and their paths were destined to separate.  The knowledge crackled in the air between them. 

Lloydene is here for her second round of chemo, third infusion.  Her body is tired and thin.  She is so weak, she favored the gurney-bed.  As she lays down, and snuggles into the blanket, feeling miserable, a woman stands up with her iv pole.  I wouldn't have noticed her but the nurses saw the impending trip hazard of her iv stand and blanket on the floor and made quick moves to help her.  It took me a minute to recognize her but once the blanket was fully removed from her stockinged legs I was pleased to remember -The ballet dancer, Trudy! 

I moved off the end of the gurney-bed and lloydene struggled to sit up. 

"No no, don't get up, don't get up" Trudy whispered, her blue eyes watering. "I just want to sit close with you, you might not remember me"

The ballet dancer, I said excitedly and her eyes crinkled with a nod and a smile. 

She sat down carefully and grabbed Lloydene's hand, asked how she was doing and told her how glad she was to see her. 

Lloydene asked why she was here and she looked down. 

"It's not good news" she said through shaking breath. She held Lloydene's hand and straightened, trying to be brave for lloydene, seeking solace in the company of someone who understands that fear of impending death. Trudy's cancer might have spread to her abdomen.  The air of the champion had left her only to be replaced with clouds of fear. She was scared and lost and defeated.  She had stepped back on the path of the journey but the end looked considerably closer for her and the odds were stacked against her.  She was again fighting, but how would it look for her this time? 

They sat on the gurney-bed until it was too hard for them to sit up.  They were quiet, holding hands and hugged each other after Trudy stood up to walk back to her chair.  "We're all going to die sometime" Lloydene said out loud, mainly to herself. A reminder to bring the unreal a reality. 

In all this time, Lloydene hasn't brushed against someone else near the end of their path. Trudy and Lloydene were able to invite one another into their hearts and accept each other for who they were on the premise of knowing something none of us can understand.  They were able to join souls and find a comfort in one another if only for a moment to find solace in their shared sadness. 

Their companionship was sweet in the air as they both drifted to sleep and now instead of different places in the race, suddenly they were a team. 

28 days of selfless love

Love.

I have spent the entire month meditating on what it means to really love someone and be loved back in return.  I have studied religious texts, famous ideals, love songs and examples from literature to help me really refine and purify my understanding of love.

I have spent the month sharing little snippets of this journey on my Facebook page because I like to share great things.  Looking back, my definition of love has already changed from what it was In the beginning.

Why love you might ask? Why do this? Why the interest? Well.. to be honest, things in my life have been pretty chaotic. A member of my family is actively dying and in trying to show her how to live a life in love, I found that I didn't have many great examples from my own life to fall back on.

I realized my love was given, but not in a pure state. I give love to feel better, or make someone hAppy which makes me feel good. I give love to have love returned.  I love to satisfy an extension of myself. It felt so dirty after doing so much meditating on the fact.  So this month while focusing on finding what love really was to me, I tried to put it into practice - which is really hard, guys.

To love unselfishly is damn near impossible. It's so hard to be continuously selfless for the sake of love. It's not like this for everyone, of course- let me explain.

Growing up, love was available but 70% of the time, love was given to me at the convenience of others. Love was not an easily accessible commodity and a lot of times what I thought was love was actually not.    This constant confusion and disappointment caused me to hide my heart from the world.  I built  walls of self loathing, fear, anger, depression - everything and anything to keep love from touching the most sensitive part of my soul.  I spent a lot of time pushing anything away from me to fortify my walls. I hid my essence behind jokes, sarcasm, and half smiles. But that is also how I defined love.

Through this process of trying to redefine love I feel like I have been begging the universe  to strip me of the walls I have built around myself and strip me bare only to rebuild properly.  In fact even in writing the admission of my walls, I feel uncomfortable because it does feel very naked.  I want to be genuine. Therefore I must be able to understand myself- to do that I have to be okay with being vulnerable- because in vulnerability  we open up our souls and touch each other. We connect. It is in this connection that I think I can change the lives of those around me for the better.  I want this to be a battle cry of sorts - be a revolutionary.  Choose to be love and in love help others also find love. Ahhhh... I have such a long way to go haha.

I have learned that this selfless love is hard- so hard because it means I have to put myself last and I just don't want to do that most of the time. But when you love someone - you have to put them first - especially if u want to live a life full of love. - that shit is hard.

I have found that to be selfless, you have to choose to sacrifice your own comfort sometimes for the sake of someone else's. I have seen that this love can be outwardly unrewarding and lackluster in pride.  Most of the time I was loving to someone who didn't deserve it (my definition), or wouldn't remember it.  My own logic tells me that you must have reward for the demand but I think that's backwards too. The reward isn't in the return, the reward is in the practice.  My heart has grown in ways I didn't think possible because I have attempted to put other people before me.

I have gained knowledge by listening instead of talking. Learned examples of love by watching instead of showing. By taking a step back and allowing others be be first, I have learned how to find love by allowing someone to affect me instead of me keeping my distance.  When I chose to put others first, I found love back.

Am I gonna be selfless all the time? Hell no. Im gonna try and I'm gonna fail a lot-but I'd rather spend my life trying to spread the love I want to see in the world than not, so I'll keep trying.
That's where I challenge you.
Try to listen when you want to speak
Try to see when you're being blinded
Try to speak when your pride has silenced you
And try to feel when your heart has been frozen.

I know this sounds like some ghandi, hippie bs and I've been a super big jerk a lot this month but when I actually practice choosing love - life kind of slips into a peaceful zen despite the circumstances around me. I have found an inner strength I never knew I had - every time I choose love, I am full of strength. And I like that. Just thought you might like it too 🙃
#28daysofselflesslove

Surrender

There is a point in life where you have to come to terms with the fact that you are not in control.  Maybe it's just me but I have been learning this lesson for my whole life.  The way I grew up instilled a deep seated fear and self doubt that had roots into all the smallest crevices of my soul.

I wanted to write this moving blog about this cool experience I had when I began believing in Jesus Christ.  Instead I just want to write whats real.  I am ashamed of the gospel.  I am ashamed to be a part of a following of people who love Jesus and I am ashamed to be ashamed.  I have been hurt and burned by people from the church.  I have been gossiped about, lied to, cheated, manipulated and been downright brainwashed by some skewed ideas about the bible.   I have qualms about how mass churches are run amd how scare tactics are used to convince people to believe and the large amount of hypocrisy displayed.

My last year of college, I began challenging the things I once so blindly followed.  I questioned the ethics of evangelism, the pressure to be "saved" and look "saved."  I hated that I felt like I was only allowed to struggle with my "sins" for so long before being able to conquer them with God's help.  I hated that I felt like I had to be on track all the time.  I hated my understanding of grace, mercy and love.  I pushed and shoved until I untangled myself from the identity I had found in Christ and began to form my own identity.  This journey outside my faith has lasted nine years and I have finally found my way back to heavens door -- I think.

I am not sure if my experiences with Christ were real or hyper created by my desire to know God, but I have had what I believe is a real relationship with the creator of the universe.  I feel silly saying it because it sounds preposterous to be "hearing from God" but I felt like at one point in my life there was an intimacy, a special place, a life changing presence to guide me,  I talked to Jesus like he was my best friend - I told him about my plans to go to Africa to be his missionary.  I told Jesus about my desire for wisdom and compassion.  I cried in his arms when I was broken (which was a lot), and smiled into the clouds while basking in the knowledge that I was so loved. I dreamed of him and just floated in this purpose.  I was ready to be a christian

My faith was challenged and swept right out from under my feet.  I stopped following all the "rules" and did whatever I wanted.  I got really selfish and bitter - another story for a later time,  Lets just fast forward because this sounds super dramatic and I dont mean it to be.  So I recently find out some news about myself that really rocks my world.  It challenges my views on living a full life, forgiveness and selfless love.  I really wanted to learn to focus on living life to the fullest extent of my existence in love, peace, understanding, faith, hope, strength, advocating for the weak, fighting to be better than yesterday.  I just want to live my whole life in love.

My news solidified my understanding of surrender.  I have no control in the world around me, I can only control me. In this surrender and journey to forgiveness and peace with the world around me, the past inside me and the future that dares me - i find myself reaching for that love that once enveloped me.  I didn't want to be a stereotype, of course - to go find Jesus when things are dim - but it was more like, a really long journey of self discovery and finding peace instead of turmoil.  In this journey I found many hang ups to believing in God but I just sort of decided finally to give God a try again and see where it would lead me instead of finding all the reasons before I could take a step.
I felt God ask me to fast something I enjoy for 40 days.  the first thought I have when God asks me to do something is " am I crazy and showing signs of schizophrenia"?  I just one day decided to give it a try and see what I would find.  I began shedding insecurities, and found myself reaching out to that presence - that zen feeling you get when praying or venting to a good friend.

I found myself opening my heart to God and talking to an old friend from a very long time ago - full of awkward pauses and brief interactions.  slowly though, the brief short - "hey, help me get a good parking spot" turned into a running monologue -I felt as if I was walking the garden with him - things felt right.  Then I decided to break my fast - but i was surprised at the hesitancy I felt at disappointing this new friend I was relearning.  All of a sudden I understood sin in a new light.  I understood grace in a new light.  I am in a place in my heart where I have developed a relationship with God and it isn't based on people in the church or how bad I followed all the rules despite wanting to.  It wasn't about rules at all - its about the closeness of my friendship.  Do I want to put all these things in between peace in a friendship?  sometimes, when I am being selfish, I do.  Even though I do though, he is ready to forgive, move on and pick right back up where we left off.   A true friend.

As I redevelop this relationship, I am reconciling my old prejudices with my new understanding of Christ and the thoughts I have formed while wandering the world.  I am learning to forgive those in the church who I feel let me down and finding surrender in the fact that people everywhere will let you down and letting go is really scary - not everyone can do it.  However, I hope to be proud to call myself a christian again - maybe be a positive example of Christ. I think I may be finding Jesus again -- or showing signs of developing schizophrenia;)

-- beloved.

Bringing Love, being love

I remember being asked to write this poem while in college that started with “I am.”  Every sentence stated a truth about me in that moment.  I recently re-did this poem and although I knew the answers would change, I was surprised at how many times I used or wanted to use the word love.  Love is my mission statement.  Love is my calling.  Can I continue to sluff off the bad things in my heart and replace it all with love?  Can I really argue for peace through my actions? 

The poem itself is almost like discovering a mission statement.  Your answers define you, well obviously – because the title of the poem is I AM. The thing is, I have changed quite a bit since my last year of college, obviously but I think it goes farther than that.  I have spent years soul searching and learning to make sense of all the ways I felt slighted while growing up.  I have searched, dabbled, and have found my true name.  I want to change the world through love (I sound like such a hippie). I am constantly seeing pain and sorrow around me- It’s everywhere and it breaks my heart.  If there is so much negative, why wouldn't you want to be a positive? 

In this quest to find love and hope in all things, I find all the things that get in the way of being selfless.  It’s super hard to be selfless.  It’s my whole life I’m talking about and I am trying to choose people.  I want to serve people.  I want to bring love to hearts that need it.  I want to make a difference by pouring myself out.

This world is broken.  BROKEN.  So many people are alone and lonely. I myself can also feel alone and lonely.  People are looking for love where there isn’t any, or they have accepted a love that is half-assed or not love at all.  Why do we settle??  We have forgotten that we are worthy.  We are unsure of who we are and what we are about.  When we are unsure, anything can convince us away from our worth. 

My heart cries for people who can’t have a happy ending.  I believe everyone should have one.  Unfortunately, that definitely isn’t the case.  This world can be so hard sometimes and I think we self-medicate when things pile up.  Sometimes we hide from the pain and it just sits inside in a place we think is gone but is waiting to rear its ugly head and shatter the façade of peace.  We carry our experiences and can choose to really deal with things and find peace through it or run from it and live a life half as peaceful as it could be.  We accept halfhearted love because we don’t think we deserve better.  It ends up damaging over and over again.  Our poor hearts.  The pain of this world can be heavy. 

Peace is attainable and a life fully lived despite the heaviness of the world is possible.  I urge you to walk through that secret door in the wall around your heart (that you avoid) and dive in.  Discover your hurts and why they hurt. Discover your addictions and dependencies.   Find out who you truly are and learn to just understand yourself but give yourself permission to be.  Why are we all trying to be the same person?  Do you know how beautiful all those quirks are?  Your silly laugh or passion for that weird thing is beautiful.  Even when you cry or get mad – it’s beautiful because it’s important to you. We cannot even know the depths of our beauty, but I challenge you to look inside and find it, love it.  Learn to love you!
I cannot say it enough.  I think people need to hear it. You are beautiful and worthy of love – even when you’re not.  Also, of course if you are an asshole and are hurting people – cut that shit out and figure out why you do it.  What is so angry inside you that you have to hurt the beauty of those around you?  Find out!! Discover yourself.  BE.

I freaked out on my nephew one day for something bad he did.  He’s 6, so he’s still learning but I caught myself telling him in a way that shamed him instead of lovingly teaching him the right way.  I have felt shame and ugly inside my heart before.  I have been beaten down and verbally lashed to a point where I felt nothing in my soul but hate.  Hate for myself, others around me and everything.  But it was the shame that killed me inside.  I hated that I might have made him feel that. It literally changed the entire way I speak to people.  I had forgotten that he was a little person.   I think sometimes we forget that the people around us are living breathing souls and have hearts that carry doubts, uncertainties, and fears just like me.  I forget that I need love.  So I forgot that people need love.  Whenever I am stressed out about something my husband has done and I want to just be a big jerk to him, telling him how I feel in a way to bring him down so he feels what I feel – I remind myself that he is my best friend.  You don’t talk to your best friend like that.  We have taken the worth out of other people because?? Is it because we have gotten lost in our selfishness? We forget to attach worth to them? We think less of them?  I am not sure.  One thing I am sure is that the passion inside me burns bright when I hear people downing another person now.  Speak life guys.  This world is full of people who hurt and manipulate – be the person who changes someone’s life by speaking words of life into the heart.  Tell people how beautiful they are, hold someone’s hand when they are sad, sit down and talk to someone – even if you don’t know them and really care--  Stay up late with someone when they are sad. 

Now, obviously, I am not there yet.  I am not this person yet but God knows my heart wants to be.  My greatest desire is to learn to love as selflessly as I can and hopefully change the world by showing people how beautiful and lovely they are. People are my passion and I thought I only liked helping medically but slowly I am becoming aware that the body, heart, mind, and soul are connected and I want to help and love every part of them.  Love is a game changer guys -try to remember that before you react (I KNOW ITS HARD!!) and soak in the knowledge that instead of being a dick, you might have actually helped.

--his beloved

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I am - 2016 

I am compassion and curiosity

I wonder the root of all things

I hear the grumblings of a nation

I see my dreams so far on the horizon

I want to embody love

I am compassion and curiosity

I pretend I am brave

I feel the shadows of mortality

I worry that love will leave me

I cry for those destined not to win

I am compassion and curiosity

I understand myself more than ever

I say love, peace and kindness should rule

I dream of a bigger capacity to save people

I try to practice what I preach

I hope to change the world through love and logic

I am compassion and curiosity.