Bringing Love, being love

I remember being asked to write this poem while in college that started with “I am.”  Every sentence stated a truth about me in that moment.  I recently re-did this poem and although I knew the answers would change, I was surprised at how many times I used or wanted to use the word love.  Love is my mission statement.  Love is my calling.  Can I continue to sluff off the bad things in my heart and replace it all with love?  Can I really argue for peace through my actions? 

The poem itself is almost like discovering a mission statement.  Your answers define you, well obviously – because the title of the poem is I AM. The thing is, I have changed quite a bit since my last year of college, obviously but I think it goes farther than that.  I have spent years soul searching and learning to make sense of all the ways I felt slighted while growing up.  I have searched, dabbled, and have found my true name.  I want to change the world through love (I sound like such a hippie). I am constantly seeing pain and sorrow around me- It’s everywhere and it breaks my heart.  If there is so much negative, why wouldn't you want to be a positive? 

In this quest to find love and hope in all things, I find all the things that get in the way of being selfless.  It’s super hard to be selfless.  It’s my whole life I’m talking about and I am trying to choose people.  I want to serve people.  I want to bring love to hearts that need it.  I want to make a difference by pouring myself out.

This world is broken.  BROKEN.  So many people are alone and lonely. I myself can also feel alone and lonely.  People are looking for love where there isn’t any, or they have accepted a love that is half-assed or not love at all.  Why do we settle??  We have forgotten that we are worthy.  We are unsure of who we are and what we are about.  When we are unsure, anything can convince us away from our worth. 

My heart cries for people who can’t have a happy ending.  I believe everyone should have one.  Unfortunately, that definitely isn’t the case.  This world can be so hard sometimes and I think we self-medicate when things pile up.  Sometimes we hide from the pain and it just sits inside in a place we think is gone but is waiting to rear its ugly head and shatter the façade of peace.  We carry our experiences and can choose to really deal with things and find peace through it or run from it and live a life half as peaceful as it could be.  We accept halfhearted love because we don’t think we deserve better.  It ends up damaging over and over again.  Our poor hearts.  The pain of this world can be heavy. 

Peace is attainable and a life fully lived despite the heaviness of the world is possible.  I urge you to walk through that secret door in the wall around your heart (that you avoid) and dive in.  Discover your hurts and why they hurt. Discover your addictions and dependencies.   Find out who you truly are and learn to just understand yourself but give yourself permission to be.  Why are we all trying to be the same person?  Do you know how beautiful all those quirks are?  Your silly laugh or passion for that weird thing is beautiful.  Even when you cry or get mad – it’s beautiful because it’s important to you. We cannot even know the depths of our beauty, but I challenge you to look inside and find it, love it.  Learn to love you!
I cannot say it enough.  I think people need to hear it. You are beautiful and worthy of love – even when you’re not.  Also, of course if you are an asshole and are hurting people – cut that shit out and figure out why you do it.  What is so angry inside you that you have to hurt the beauty of those around you?  Find out!! Discover yourself.  BE.

I freaked out on my nephew one day for something bad he did.  He’s 6, so he’s still learning but I caught myself telling him in a way that shamed him instead of lovingly teaching him the right way.  I have felt shame and ugly inside my heart before.  I have been beaten down and verbally lashed to a point where I felt nothing in my soul but hate.  Hate for myself, others around me and everything.  But it was the shame that killed me inside.  I hated that I might have made him feel that. It literally changed the entire way I speak to people.  I had forgotten that he was a little person.   I think sometimes we forget that the people around us are living breathing souls and have hearts that carry doubts, uncertainties, and fears just like me.  I forget that I need love.  So I forgot that people need love.  Whenever I am stressed out about something my husband has done and I want to just be a big jerk to him, telling him how I feel in a way to bring him down so he feels what I feel – I remind myself that he is my best friend.  You don’t talk to your best friend like that.  We have taken the worth out of other people because?? Is it because we have gotten lost in our selfishness? We forget to attach worth to them? We think less of them?  I am not sure.  One thing I am sure is that the passion inside me burns bright when I hear people downing another person now.  Speak life guys.  This world is full of people who hurt and manipulate – be the person who changes someone’s life by speaking words of life into the heart.  Tell people how beautiful they are, hold someone’s hand when they are sad, sit down and talk to someone – even if you don’t know them and really care--  Stay up late with someone when they are sad. 

Now, obviously, I am not there yet.  I am not this person yet but God knows my heart wants to be.  My greatest desire is to learn to love as selflessly as I can and hopefully change the world by showing people how beautiful and lovely they are. People are my passion and I thought I only liked helping medically but slowly I am becoming aware that the body, heart, mind, and soul are connected and I want to help and love every part of them.  Love is a game changer guys -try to remember that before you react (I KNOW ITS HARD!!) and soak in the knowledge that instead of being a dick, you might have actually helped.

--his beloved

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I am - 2016 

I am compassion and curiosity

I wonder the root of all things

I hear the grumblings of a nation

I see my dreams so far on the horizon

I want to embody love

I am compassion and curiosity

I pretend I am brave

I feel the shadows of mortality

I worry that love will leave me

I cry for those destined not to win

I am compassion and curiosity

I understand myself more than ever

I say love, peace and kindness should rule

I dream of a bigger capacity to save people

I try to practice what I preach

I hope to change the world through love and logic

I am compassion and curiosity.