Two years ago, my husband and I found out that we were expecting. It was really exciting. I immediately ran out and bought the "what to expect when you are expecting" book and made sure I wasn't drinking anymore. I started taking the vitamins and was cautious at work. I was so tired but we were going to make it work. I remember thinking that my fears of having a miscarriage were part of the package because the book said so.
I wasn't going to tell anyone until the first trimester was over but I was just too excited. A woman that I worked with had also found out she was pregnant; we bonded over that fact. I eventually decided that people would have to know at work since I wasn't able to work with a specific resident while being pregnant, so I told everyone. The woman I worked with told just her friends. I kept my mouth shut online but my family, friends and co-workers knew. I was just so excited.
Our three month check up was supposed to be a beautiful day where I recorded the heart beat and sent another ultra sound picture to my family. It was going to be the day I made it public. It was supposed to be a good day. Instead, our doctor could not find the little beating heart and the picture on the screen looked very similar to the very first ultra sound we had a month prior. She looked at us and calmly explained that there was no living thing inside me and we had miscarried.
Tears.
The shock was bad, the night of was bad, I learned a lot about myself and a lot more about my friends and family. Most people don't know what to say. A lot of people don't know how to react. But in the after math of it all, I was mostly just grieving. Its hard to explain how you love something you have never met or held. A part of my heart died with it and I was just sad. In the midst of everything, the woman I had bonded with over our pregnancies had respectively within the next week or two also had a miscarriage - or so she told me, to my face.
It was later discovered that while I was crying about my loss, she terminated her pregnancy and claimed a miscarriage. I hugged her, comforted her and offered my broken heart and soul in the hopes that through my sorrow, I could help hers - and she let me. I am sure she was grieving. maybe. I have to believe she was. I wouldn't have an abortion but I understand why women feel they need to. I kind of understand why she needed to. What I didn't understand is how she looked me in the face and lied to me. I felt like my emotions were preyed upon and I looked silly, and stupid. I felt stupid.
I never told her that I knew she was lying. There is a reason why people feel like they have to lie to you, but I kept the pain and hurt and anger at what she did inside my heart. Lost respect for her, made fun of her, and really just kind of hated her. I hated that my baby got taken away and she just killed hers. I was jealous that I wanted a child and she let hers go. That she had the option of letting hers go. I hated that my husband and I were falling apart and she was free to go dance at the club. I was so mad. There was a large amount of unforgiveness. Don't get me wrong. She doesn't need to apologize for having an abortion, I wanted her to see how manipulative it was to allow me to grieve a loss when the loss was her choice to have. It didn't seem right somehow.
fast forward a bit and somewhere deep down, I am still a little angry. I am still angry because I never dealt with it. I tried to excuse it, forget about it, explain it away but I never fully confronted it. Last night, I somehow did. See, I stopped really being involved in this woman's life but when I heard about her, my attitude was one of an eye roll or "oh, yeah sure" attitude. I caught myself doing this and realized why. I had not forgiven her and the actions I made towards any mention of her were not the nicest. This unforgiveness was affecting me. I was the one who was being nasty, and rude. I was the one who was reacting out of this pain that would never be resolved until I had dealt with it. I was the one who should ask her forgiveness.
When I decided to follow the ways of Christianity, it was with the given that I would be forgiven for all my wrongs. It didn't matter how many times I repeated those wrongs, but I would continue to be forgiven. Jesus says to forgive not just seven times but seventy times seven. It is not my job to hold mistakes over people's heads - no matter how hurtful they might have been to me. Forgiveness not only allows me to breathe properly but heal and move on. This woman never knew how bad she hurt me. She never knew I felt this way, never lost a moments sleep - but I did. Anger and unforgiveness can do this. I think that is why God wants us to forgive. He doesn't want us to be held down by pain and hurt but he came to give life and life to the full. I could not be living a full life if I was holding onto something that was holding no value.
So, out of no where, I forgave her. I wish her the best. I have to believe that who she was and what she did was not intentionally done to hurt me and even if it was, I would still have to forgive her. Because at the end of the day - Jesus died to set us free, he forgave me and set the precedent - which makes it my job to forgive those around me, regardless of how bad it may have hurt. In this forgiveness, there is freedom. She never has that power over me and I am able to move on. Therein lies the beauty of forgiveness.
-his beloved.
rose
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
love
http://elitedaily.com/dating/first-time-fall-love-determine-entire-life/601344/
read this article today. Got me thinking about the people I have loved in my life.
When I was in kindergarten, I was "dating" Kevin Elkins. He was so cute and we were in the same class together. He used to walk me home everyday and give me a kiss in my log cabin. One day, I didn't want to kiss any longer so we broke up. Probably an early harsh reality, I suppose.
The next male I recall being important in my life was one of my best friends growing up. I grew up pretty socially awkward, so I didn't have many male friends, actually, I don't recall having ANY male friends at all. But this boy from school started hanging out with me - one can only wonder why- and he introduced me to a life outside my sheltered bubble. I think that's why I liked him so much, because I experienced life with him. He taught me many things and I love him still, but in a healthy way that one should love such a friend. I did crush on him pretty hard in high school though, but again - I think it was only because he was the only guy I felt comfortable around.
The next guy I recall being involved with was a first boyfriend of mine. His name was Allen and I am not sure how we met but we did and it was mostly a prepubescent attempt at sexuality. For two weeks we talked like lovers without the knowledge that we were young and had no clue what it meant to love someone. He was the first boy I ever messed around with but I was too embarrassed to continue. Like I said, we were 11.
My junior year, I met Landon. He was wonderful. Something totally outside my social circle and full of new ideas. We dated for awhile but the world ripped us apart. He encompassed my entire world, I loved him but again, I had no idea what love was. I knew what I was feeling, but I didnt know what LOVE was.
After Landon, I thought I loved a guy named aaron, but that was just a fling full of lust and passion. Like any quickly burning flame, it died just as fast as it sprang up.
and then there was Zach.
This guy. weird. awkward. totally cool. he made people laugh and was a leader. He paved his own path and I admired him for that. I remeember the day I met him, he captured my attention and made a lasting memory. We began as friends. soon, our emails became more intimate while I traveled over the summer and when I returned, there was something there. I fell in love. and man did i fall hard. we dated and eventually got engaged but from the very beginning, God told me it wouldn't work. We prayed and fasted for him to change his mind and continued with the relationship anyways. It was a ride. It was the RAW love that article talked about. We were young but we knew how to love each other - or at least we knew how to try. I remember this love being real, thick like honey, intoxicating, passionate and full of emotion. when it was good, it was really good and when it was bad, it was really bad. we eventually ended things for more than one reason. He would tell you I gave up on him - he might be right. I agree with him, mostly because I want to keep the peace, but I would tell you that it was him telling me he loved me but then asking other girls for pictures of themselves, or writing how much he loved and missed another girl while we were engaged that started the distrust for me. I would tell you that I prayed for God to give me a sign that it was right and that the holy spirit kept telling me that it was time to end things. I would also tell you that while I tried to grow into someone, I think it scared him and he tried to hold onto me, scared I would jump back into my old lifestyle again. I would tell you that I felt suffocated and allowed it to happen because I loved him and in retrospect, it was all unhealthy. Finally, I would tell you that despite him being depressed, my heart shattered when he told me he couldn't love me. Even if he meant that he needed to repair his broken heart before he could be my everything agian, all those things combined is why I would tell you that I didn't give up, I chose to let go. In my mind, I didn't see the logic in continuing a relationship that made me feel like that, hurt like that and be spiritually strained like that - especially if he couldn't love me.
That love made its mark on me. I gave him a chunk of my heart and I am changed by his soul. I am happy to have shared my spirit with him, but I would have never become who I am today had I chosen to stick around. I have no regrets in that regard.
Then, there was .... LANDON again :)
This guy. After the separation, I was broken. I was a hot mess. But this guy, all cool calm and chill comes along and accepts me, hot mess and all. He lets me do whatever I want. I can think whatever I want and do what I want and he just loves me. We started out rough. we were both selfish and rude. but over time, we have learned how to LOVE. The love that consumes your life. The real kind of love. It is healthy and mature and pure. He looks at me and I can see the love radiate off his eyes. He makes me feel so safe and secure without even trying. We may not have a passionate love, but we have this.. real love. we have this burning fire that flares and ebbs with time and passing. Our love is organic. it is the most real thing I have ever felt in my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I won't apologize for that. I will never apologize for something so beautiful. for something so healthy and happy. I have never been more free to experience my life with someone by my side. He gives me so much strength just by trusting me and allowing me the freedom to discover life and my interests. this is love. How lucky am I?
My friend Stephanie said it the best: Love that is gritty, straining, focused, sweaty, and adventurous love. A love full of gentle hand-holding, mean and spiteful yelling, laughing fun, bitter tears and cold shoulders, sweet forgiveness, dry determination, dull endurance, inside jokes, just-when-I-needed-them hugs, painful confrontation, and overall, a powerful and purposeful companionship. A never-ending choice
Love. I could write a thousand words on how I feel and never get the emotion on the pages. But I know that I am in love and I know I have experienced a varieties of love. I will cherish it, protect it and shield it with the best of my abilities. Because I know I have been blessed with something so wonderful and real.
God knew I would choose this path before he showed me my future. He still speaks to me about my future. God knew I would make this decision long before I did and I believe he is blessing my path. There is no shame in love. there are no laws against love. its so beautiful.
-His beloved
read this article today. Got me thinking about the people I have loved in my life.
When I was in kindergarten, I was "dating" Kevin Elkins. He was so cute and we were in the same class together. He used to walk me home everyday and give me a kiss in my log cabin. One day, I didn't want to kiss any longer so we broke up. Probably an early harsh reality, I suppose.
The next male I recall being important in my life was one of my best friends growing up. I grew up pretty socially awkward, so I didn't have many male friends, actually, I don't recall having ANY male friends at all. But this boy from school started hanging out with me - one can only wonder why- and he introduced me to a life outside my sheltered bubble. I think that's why I liked him so much, because I experienced life with him. He taught me many things and I love him still, but in a healthy way that one should love such a friend. I did crush on him pretty hard in high school though, but again - I think it was only because he was the only guy I felt comfortable around.
The next guy I recall being involved with was a first boyfriend of mine. His name was Allen and I am not sure how we met but we did and it was mostly a prepubescent attempt at sexuality. For two weeks we talked like lovers without the knowledge that we were young and had no clue what it meant to love someone. He was the first boy I ever messed around with but I was too embarrassed to continue. Like I said, we were 11.
My junior year, I met Landon. He was wonderful. Something totally outside my social circle and full of new ideas. We dated for awhile but the world ripped us apart. He encompassed my entire world, I loved him but again, I had no idea what love was. I knew what I was feeling, but I didnt know what LOVE was.
After Landon, I thought I loved a guy named aaron, but that was just a fling full of lust and passion. Like any quickly burning flame, it died just as fast as it sprang up.
and then there was Zach.
This guy. weird. awkward. totally cool. he made people laugh and was a leader. He paved his own path and I admired him for that. I remeember the day I met him, he captured my attention and made a lasting memory. We began as friends. soon, our emails became more intimate while I traveled over the summer and when I returned, there was something there. I fell in love. and man did i fall hard. we dated and eventually got engaged but from the very beginning, God told me it wouldn't work. We prayed and fasted for him to change his mind and continued with the relationship anyways. It was a ride. It was the RAW love that article talked about. We were young but we knew how to love each other - or at least we knew how to try. I remember this love being real, thick like honey, intoxicating, passionate and full of emotion. when it was good, it was really good and when it was bad, it was really bad. we eventually ended things for more than one reason. He would tell you I gave up on him - he might be right. I agree with him, mostly because I want to keep the peace, but I would tell you that it was him telling me he loved me but then asking other girls for pictures of themselves, or writing how much he loved and missed another girl while we were engaged that started the distrust for me. I would tell you that I prayed for God to give me a sign that it was right and that the holy spirit kept telling me that it was time to end things. I would also tell you that while I tried to grow into someone, I think it scared him and he tried to hold onto me, scared I would jump back into my old lifestyle again. I would tell you that I felt suffocated and allowed it to happen because I loved him and in retrospect, it was all unhealthy. Finally, I would tell you that despite him being depressed, my heart shattered when he told me he couldn't love me. Even if he meant that he needed to repair his broken heart before he could be my everything agian, all those things combined is why I would tell you that I didn't give up, I chose to let go. In my mind, I didn't see the logic in continuing a relationship that made me feel like that, hurt like that and be spiritually strained like that - especially if he couldn't love me.
That love made its mark on me. I gave him a chunk of my heart and I am changed by his soul. I am happy to have shared my spirit with him, but I would have never become who I am today had I chosen to stick around. I have no regrets in that regard.
Then, there was .... LANDON again :)
This guy. After the separation, I was broken. I was a hot mess. But this guy, all cool calm and chill comes along and accepts me, hot mess and all. He lets me do whatever I want. I can think whatever I want and do what I want and he just loves me. We started out rough. we were both selfish and rude. but over time, we have learned how to LOVE. The love that consumes your life. The real kind of love. It is healthy and mature and pure. He looks at me and I can see the love radiate off his eyes. He makes me feel so safe and secure without even trying. We may not have a passionate love, but we have this.. real love. we have this burning fire that flares and ebbs with time and passing. Our love is organic. it is the most real thing I have ever felt in my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I won't apologize for that. I will never apologize for something so beautiful. for something so healthy and happy. I have never been more free to experience my life with someone by my side. He gives me so much strength just by trusting me and allowing me the freedom to discover life and my interests. this is love. How lucky am I?
My friend Stephanie said it the best: Love that is gritty, straining, focused, sweaty, and adventurous love. A love full of gentle hand-holding, mean and spiteful yelling, laughing fun, bitter tears and cold shoulders, sweet forgiveness, dry determination, dull endurance, inside jokes, just-when-I-needed-them hugs, painful confrontation, and overall, a powerful and purposeful companionship. A never-ending choice
Love. I could write a thousand words on how I feel and never get the emotion on the pages. But I know that I am in love and I know I have experienced a varieties of love. I will cherish it, protect it and shield it with the best of my abilities. Because I know I have been blessed with something so wonderful and real.
God knew I would choose this path before he showed me my future. He still speaks to me about my future. God knew I would make this decision long before I did and I believe he is blessing my path. There is no shame in love. there are no laws against love. its so beautiful.
-His beloved
Saturday, May 17, 2014
reconciliation pt. 2
I've spent many hours struggling with the thoughts of my previous post. I talked to one of the women that I work with and she helped me realize that it all comes down to making peace with the fact that I have no control over what the universe does.
Now, I have to fit this into my faith somehow because I do believe in a loving God and I live by the words "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, those who are called according to his purposes" (Romans 8:28)So. This is my conclusions so far. Yes. I have no control over this universe or what anyone may or may not do or not do in my life. I have no control over what may happen to those around me and I cannot answer why bad things happen to good people. I don't think it always "means" something. I do not think God is always "testing" us when bad things happen. I think that there are so many people on this planet with a million different fragments embedded in their souls that cause actions and reactions. A past hurt, a past triumph, a bad day, a good thing, a wrong idea, a cocky attitude. I think all these things combined create a chaos. I think God allows a lot of these things to continue because he does not interfere with free will. But I also have to believe that God intervenes in ways I am ignorant of. I do not know how many of the bad things in my life were lessened for my sake, or how many things he knew I would overcome despite the consequences to my character. It is for this reasoning, I believe grace abounds more than we can imagine. The christian who killed himself - why do we believe he died in sin? Why do we believe there is a black and white that condemns him to hell? I don't, and I am sorry if that is offensive to believers but its the holy spirits job to correct me so I wouldn't worry too much.
I do not believe that God is black and white. I do not believe that God condemns us for our ignorance. I believe our hearts are deeper than that and our ignorance deeper still. So. I have to reconcile my questions to God. I have no control and what control I do have is based upon me. If a car smashes into me and damages my brain, I will have the control to end care that will keep me in a vegetative state. I have to believe my life meant something while I was alive. I have to believe in my death, I will still mean something. I have to live in the moment.
I have to live in the moment. I must be present in this moment. Right now. pray for what I hope for but be thankful for what I have now. right now. I have to stop the laments of what I cannot control/have/want/wish for.
I have to live in the now because that's all I do have control over and I will have to learn to make peace with the lack of actual control I do have.
- His beloved.
Now, I have to fit this into my faith somehow because I do believe in a loving God and I live by the words "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, those who are called according to his purposes" (Romans 8:28)So. This is my conclusions so far. Yes. I have no control over this universe or what anyone may or may not do or not do in my life. I have no control over what may happen to those around me and I cannot answer why bad things happen to good people. I don't think it always "means" something. I do not think God is always "testing" us when bad things happen. I think that there are so many people on this planet with a million different fragments embedded in their souls that cause actions and reactions. A past hurt, a past triumph, a bad day, a good thing, a wrong idea, a cocky attitude. I think all these things combined create a chaos. I think God allows a lot of these things to continue because he does not interfere with free will. But I also have to believe that God intervenes in ways I am ignorant of. I do not know how many of the bad things in my life were lessened for my sake, or how many things he knew I would overcome despite the consequences to my character. It is for this reasoning, I believe grace abounds more than we can imagine. The christian who killed himself - why do we believe he died in sin? Why do we believe there is a black and white that condemns him to hell? I don't, and I am sorry if that is offensive to believers but its the holy spirits job to correct me so I wouldn't worry too much.
I do not believe that God is black and white. I do not believe that God condemns us for our ignorance. I believe our hearts are deeper than that and our ignorance deeper still. So. I have to reconcile my questions to God. I have no control and what control I do have is based upon me. If a car smashes into me and damages my brain, I will have the control to end care that will keep me in a vegetative state. I have to believe my life meant something while I was alive. I have to believe in my death, I will still mean something. I have to live in the moment.
I have to live in the moment. I must be present in this moment. Right now. pray for what I hope for but be thankful for what I have now. right now. I have to stop the laments of what I cannot control/have/want/wish for.
I have to live in the now because that's all I do have control over and I will have to learn to make peace with the lack of actual control I do have.
- His beloved.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Reconciliation
How do we reconcile a happy ending fairy tail to a perfect god? Who taught us that we get happy endings? We'd be lucky if we scrapped by without an illness or horrible split of relationship in the family. We'd be lucky to survive a horrible storm that destroys our entire lives. What of our dreams and goals? Who taught us that we can have anything?
These thoughts aren't true. we would be counted blessed to have a life with only a few tragedies. What of the people who live in constant tragedy? The broken and penniless in Africa? Are they broken? Or have they learned to consider every good day a blessing? Do they believe they deserve the big house, with the dog and no harm or illness? Do Africans believe in happily ever after? Bad things should never happen to good people but they do all the time. Children are left alone and abandoned all the time. Girls and boys are sold into sex trafficking all the time. People are bullied because of race, religion and color all the time.
This world is a tangle of love and hate, humanity and desparity. What is my perspective? I find it's being challenged right now and I want to with all my heart worship the god I believe is good despite the broken and bad things that may be in my life. How do I sing when I allow the bad to break my song? How do you worship god when you just want to cry? What is the real happy ending? Does it even exist? How do I reconcile these thoughts with the gospel?
I need to spend some time with broken people who have perspective. learn to sing when the words are ripped from the heart. Is that the real happy ending? I hate that everything always comes back to God for me. In the end, I must choose to sing for he is good despite the chaos I live in. In the end- is he the only happy ending? Is it just a better perspective?
I don't know.
- his beloved
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Don't just be in the moment.. Be present
Sometimes, all we need is a hand to hold. I work with old people, all types of generational appeal and class. A lot of these people have dementia or Alzheimer's disease which is sad because I am sure they have stories upon stories untold and long forgotten hidden inside their minds. One such individual, a woman in her nineties, 98 to be exact, was in the prime of her sundowners for the day (which is a fancy term for people with such diseases as her who become upset, confused, concerned, aggressive - really anything other than okay) and she wheeled over to me in her wheelchair and said in her little voice "hey." Hey. Hey. Hey.
I turned around and she just looked at me with her knowing eyes and said "my back hurts."
I asked her if she wanted to lay down to which she replied she would lay down when she was good and ready. She was upset so I took
Her hand and she stilled. I just held her hand for a minute. Two minutes. Three. Finally I put my charting down and committed to the act of holding her hand. She calmed.
After while she took her hand back and wheeled away but she imparted much wisdom to me while we held hands. Don't just be in the moment . Be present in the moment . Put aside your agenda and be with someone. Listen without texting. Listen without interrupting to respond. Take the time out of your life to give of yourself the way THEY need it instead of how you are most comfortable with it. It's these little things that make the biggest difference. This is how you save lives , promote healing, strengthen bonds. But mostly, this is how you calm the storm- by sitting in it with someone.
We were never meant to be alone.
An ode to love
open is the wound of the affliction of my heart
For my deepest burning desire keeps the incision peeled apart
Where once an iron cage kept my weary soul from longing
Now freed from protection, my heart drips with the delight of belonging
Innocent and unsure is the road to fury and passion
But love, sweet love, marks the way with subtle directions
Gone are the days, my being kept behind a wall
Though safe and sultry, no love thrived at all
Ripped apart to all love desires
My heart stands bare simmering in fire.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Regret
Regret?
It’s not necessarily a bad thing. I used to want to be one of those people who would charge into life with their fists held high screaming the motto “NO REGRETS!!” I always wished I felt that way but I never have. It would be a lie to myself if I ever proclaimed such a thing. The thing is, I do have regrets. Many of them. I have made a lot of mistakes and my poor personality complex towards humanity screams each one of said regrets in the face of another. I have the ability to beat myself up until I have no self-esteem left. I can be pretty critical.
Because I feel these things, I do have regrets. I wish I had done this thing differently, or I wish I had stood up for my friend better. Regrets stem out of the idea of who we want to be. Whether it be the fact that we don’t want to be the douche bag friend and not hurt so many peoples feeling or we want to be the brave assertive person who says what they feel and takes life by the balls. Regret is an emotion brought forth by something that happened the way we didn’t want it to.
No regrets. The war cry sounds like an awesome idea. Who wants to feel those emotions anyways? We beat ourselves up, feel really crappy, and it follows us around – if you let it. However, I think regret helps us grow. I think feeling those things helps us turn ourselves around and change. Become a better person; stand up for that friend the next time. Regret has the ability to turn us into the people we know we can be.
Regret is something I have been feeling a lot of lately. A very close family friend lies in her bed ready to pass away and I waited to call. I don’t know why I waited – I think I was avoiding the awkward death conversation. I wanted to believe she would be okay. I wanted to deal with it later. I wanted to procrastinate the inevitable. I cannot talk to her or go visit her now because she is almost ready to pass and cannot hear or talk back to me. I will never be able to say I got the chance to say goodbye. I have been kicking myself since I found out. I never want this to happen again and I hate to say that she is the reason for my change but from now on, I will call. I never want to put aside for tomorrow what needs to be done today because it makes me uncomfortable. This regret that I feel for not calling my friend has irrevocably changed my entire view on procrastination and relationships. I do it a lot.
Regret can be a good thing. So now when I hear carpe diem, yolo, no regrets and the like- instead of wishing I felt that way- now I will. Because hopefully I have made enough mistakes to make the right choices the first go around. And if not? I'll use regret to my advantage so no opportunity in life is wasted.
- his beloved
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