curious

Even when I start to think things will remain the same - in some aspects.. I am again surprised when they do not. Life really is a constant flowing change of river - people, places, ideas and dreams all flowing and moving will always change. It is inevitable. people will change as they meet new people, when they experience death, experience grace, love... when they live. I was thinking fondly about an old friend of mine once and I had to tell myself that the reason I don't talk to him anymore isn't because of issues between us, its because I loved him at a time when he was the best person i'd ever known. His life has changed now as well and I don't like who he is.. wouldn't ever want to be with someone like that again. He is changed, and I as well.

I have a friend - one I have cherished for more than 6 years.. all of a sudden it seemed she has become someone i hardly know anymore. Says things that isn't who she is.. acts like someone i never knew. it blindsides me. hurts my heart.. but I cannot hold back the river. Similarly - when my mom died, my views on death and heaven changed. My views on people changed. My views in this world changed. When I ended a relationship that I never wanted to end and would have NEVER expected to have end - my world view changed. when I experienced life in egypt - i changed. I suppose I would never want to stay stagnant and be the same.. I suppose Change is good.. except i think it is curious how we change for the better - and the worse.

I suppose I want my friend back. I suppose I'd like my mom to be here. I suppose I'd like to be comfortable in the idea of a marriage that would last - but change makes me feel like it wouldn't. I suppose the bad changes can still become the good changes.. and I suppose when Jesus changes us, its always for our bettering.. But the control freak in me wants to be certain about some people.. certain about some things.. and in reality - the only thing I am certain about is that Jesus will always be with me. I cannot expect a marriage to last - I can only try my hardest on my side but whats to say any person I am with will one day decide to change.

I suppose change scares and invigorates me.

disappointed.

Gossip. We eat it up. We all wanna hear about it. When something juicy happens in someone else's life we feel it necessary to tell people about it. Tabloids make their earnings from it, shows like E and TMZ would fail without it and churches would be silent for once.

I am disappointed in the church. I am disapointed in the fact that as christians we are supposed to be different from this world and we are sadly not. There are the select few who know how to shut their faces and pray silently for the situation but in reality - we turn prayer meetings into gossip hour. "oh, I need you to pray for my friend - this is her situation" No shut up. Jesus knows who you are praying for and why. It doesn't help you pray more effectively, be a better friend to the afflicted (cuz if you think about it - if you were a better friend in the first place, you wouldn't have heard the news from the grapevine). It doesn't do anything but let everyone else in on their business. Are our lives so mundane that we MUST talk about other peoples?

One of the biggest reasons I dont tell my business to the church is this reason. Because I want to be the only person talking about me. Its sad. and I am not exempt. I have done my fair share of gossipping about someone - or many someone's to that matter. And then I found out they were talking about me and my entire perspective changed. Its not fun being talked about behind your back. But you risk that by being honest with church members minus the pastors. - well at least at my church, i have heard pastors with loose lips. Its sad though you know, that the place where brothers and sisters in Christ are supposed to commune in unity can't tell people about their problems because of the judgement, the titles, the strife, the gossip. It makes me sick.

We just had a sermon on loyalty. How does gossipping about your brother and sister in christ make you loyal? If those bonds are supposed to be tighter than normal ones, who wont you sell out? If you can gossip about your friend to another woman or man or gossip about your actual sister or sister in law - who wont you talk about? Loyalty. Can we get back to that please? I am trying to keep a tight reign on my lips - its hard so hard, and its hard not to judge other people when I see them flapping their gums away when ive done it too. But all I can say without doubt is that it makes me sorely disappointed. We are better than that. or at least we should be striving to be.

xx- His beloved

Mercy Falls from your heart down on me

Mercy falls from Your heart down on me
Glory streams from Your face so lovely
A million words could not describe
How marvelous Your perfect light

I adore You
I will sing it with all my heart
I adore You
I love everything You are

That my heart, beats to the rhythm of Your heart
That my eyes focus on Your beautiful eyes
A million tongues could not express
How beautiful Your holiness

My life is yours and will be forever

I wanna get back to this place. Being able to honestly sing out to god "my life is yours, it will be forever" I remember listening to this song all the time on the metro while riding to help kiddos in the clinic. In those times, I was grieving, lost and so so confused about everything I ever thought I knew. I was - broken, So broken. I always look back at my egypt pictures as the summer I learned how to smile again. The summer God gave me the most real dream I have ever had promising me that I would be covered while doing missions. That I would never be in need. I woke up crying from that dream. It's too personal to post on here but it was the summer Jesus promised me I would go. But I remember how incredibly hard it was to do any type of missions work without God. I would come home, flip on the air conditioning and go spend time with god. I had to. I was physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. so tired. Trying to always get somewhere and not know how to say it, where to go, being lost, knowing only enough arabic to get to one or two places.. I needed him and even though at the time I was broken and grieving, I was strong in him. And i really had given my entire heart and soul to live for Jesus. I rememeber thinking, this will be different this time, this wont be like camp cuz this was a life changing event. But as with everything in life, it flows like a steady stream and I am here and not there. But Jesus, I wanna go there. And the desire for Jesus is getting stronger than the desire for other things. He is always my constant and I do love him very much.

It is interesting Loving Jesus and Loving the world. I really do get how that cannot mix. Salt water and fresh water always becomes salt water. Blood and water always turns red. The world is a very pleasing place to live. Its enticing to live just for myself. Power hungry is who I become and selfishness reigns. Anger has displaced patience and man am I an angry Driver, haha. I cannot ever become the woman of God if I try to be salt and fresh water. There is always a natural balance in this world - dark and light, sun and moon, earth and sky yadda yadda yadda.. Purity and defilement is still always defilement. I like to live on the line though. I want my cake and I wanna eat it too - all of it. But i guess just eating alot of cake makes you fat. haha. There should be boundaries and lines and thats the whole point. It really is a slow fade from "My life is yours, it will be forever" to "My life is mine and im a fat cake eating angry driver" hahaha ah.. yeah.. I wanna get back there but i am still eating my cake and my fat self has not entirely put it down. im not even licking the frosting - its me and my face in the cake. haha I really like this imagery.

regardless, My life IS his - I just need to live that out. My desires are conflicted. like a fat person who wants to be skinny but wont put down the cake. - i love fat people btw.

xx- His beloved.

under his wing

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart

You ever feel judged?

Like.. really judged. Like the people around you know all the horrible things you've done and think that when you raise your hands to worship God, its all an act and someone as horrible as you could never really be worshiping Jesus. I have. Even worse - I've done that to people.

Jesus spoke to me this Sunday. He told me that no one can truly judge my heart except him and he is the only one who will. He told me that he holds me and he will be my strength when I am weak and it's just me and him. I have never felt so under his wing before. So anxious but so peaceful and so full of his strength. How does he love me so much? and Who am I to ever judge his children? We as Christians are supposed to be children of a King. The only king - THE king. A risen GOD. a God. like.. the real deal. And I take it upon myself to slander my brother and judge my sister because they don't do like me or don't do things the way I think they should. Who am I? That's Jesus' Job.

I know I make a lot of mistakes, and I haven't quite figured out where I stand on specific issues concerning my faith but I am in a forward motion journey. I am finding myself In HIM not in anyone else's faith and thats how I'd like it to be thankyouverymuch. Sometimes, we react in ways we don't even understand. There are conscious and subconscious reactors to how we see the world and how we understand and even how we will react to a situation. I simply do not know enough about a persons heart to judge the motion or motive of another individual. And God forgive me when I try to.

Jesus was faithful Sunday. He is faithful everyday. He is near and strong and beautiful. He is my hero. He is so big to me and I don't understand why he would love someone with as many faults as I have. He is patient and loving and sweetly pushing me to make decisions. I cannot grasp how he loves so much. He is like a freakin bottle of love concentrated. But I like that he really does give us strength when our hearts falter. mine happens to do that a lot but I think i'm onto something. My goal this week is to memorize psalms 91. I have wanted to ever since i read it the first time. lets see how I do.

xx - his beloved.

I am not called to a place - I am simply called.

I was born to be a missionary. That fact has scared me, invigorated me, amazed me, made me feel unworthy, pushed me to resent it but it is still the same fact. I am born to be a missionary. In reality, All followers of Jesus are asked to tell the world of His glory. But I sat down on the floor at camp and asked Jesus to tell me what he had for my life and he told me to be a missionary in Africa. I have had dreams and visions - on numerous occasions, confirmations, and miracles all happen to show me his promise for my life. At the moment, this past year or so, I have resented that fact because I wanted to live my own life, my own way without any type of thing sitting on top of my head telling me where to go or what to do. But that is slowly changing. As I get nearer and nearer to the holy of holies, my heart is changed.

Recently, I have had the desire to go overseas on a mission trip - and please believe I will go on the next one I can but I have also realized that God has indeed called me to Africa and all over the world but he hasn't necessarily called me to just that place. Me going to Africa will happen in due time, but while I am living out my life, I am simply called. Called to his people. I should be living a life of servant hood all the time simply because he taught me how. Simply because he does that for me. I should be doing "home" missions because that is where I am at. And I really really wanna get that. I should be doing something more than helping at my church because my heart wont let me rest until I am helping. My job is all about helping and serving, and my down time is nice but I wanna take up something else.

I will go overseas when God sees it necessary - I can always accept a job teaching and jump into a culture like that or just go. I dont know the details and I don't think i need to right now. God has taught me that I need to live in the now while planning for the future. And NOW I wanna find somewhere to serve - maybe the soup kitchen or I dunno. But it makes me excited - very very excited. I need to get myself 100% on track with God so he can lead me properly and I stop getting in the way. My life was birthed with missions and servant hood written on the top of my head and My heart WANTS to help people. I am not writing to say everyone should do this because this is my heart I am writing about right now. But I do think that we should all tell people about the saving Grace of Jesus Christ because why wouldn't Followers of Jesus want to tell other people about the reason their lives were given meaning?

xx - his beloved

Erased

I am currently listening to a song - one that I have listened to many times before. It's a song that takes me places. It's really simple and lacks in the lyric department but the musical aspect is wonderful. I like to dance to this song. I imagine myself walking through the woods alone and dancing the wonderful gypsy/hippieness out of me. I think the reason I like this song is because it sounds flowy. It has motion like the waves or movement like the air. Thats how I want my life to be. I desire my life to be ever moving, flowing like the wind or water. I don't regret past mistakes because I have learned so much from them - I don't regret past relationships because I have been changed by them (hopefully they have been changed for the better by myself too) - I don't regret going to school because it's changed me. Change. I used to be scared of it - now I am learning to embrace and accept it.

Change is the back on which we must ride. Nothing ever stays the same except memories and photographs. Why should we expect people, places, places we have visited - even board games to stay the same? I just bought the game of life (one of my favorites) and It has all these new rules and extra cards - it was like i had to relearn the rules again. Inside I immediately wanted to just not play because I liked the old one better - but I just learned the new rules and had a really fun time (losing, mind you) playing the game. Change. wind. waves. this song. Why do we try to remain stagnant in who we are? Must we always be learning, growing, accomplishing? I want to. I want new options - new choices - new adventures. I don't want to settle down and remain the same.

A few years ago, I used to wish that I had never done anything bad. That I could be this virginal flower of good. But I am glad that I have accepted myself. Learned from the bad and learned how to be good on my own choice. I am glad that I haven't attempted to erase things from my life. Of course I am referring to my choices and life lessons - I do believe that erasing the Poisonous things are healthy, but learning from the memories.

I mean - I really really love being alive. I Love being in awe of Jesus and watching sunsets, I love flowers and the wind. the ocean amazes me and I love being on top of a mountain. I love catching snow on my tongue and hearing babies laugh. I love wishing on wishflowers and playing in the water. I love when the rain kisses my cheek and then the cherry blossoms fly during the spring in washington. I have traveled only briefly but I love how intricate other cultures are and seeing all the amazing things I love here happen in another country. I love how Jesus changes lives and If this is just earth I cannot wait until I experience heaven. The thing is, is I see every bad thing that has happened as something better than it was. that is why I can never regret it. Would I go back and change things? possibly - but it would change me. Will I do it different if given the opportunity? I really hope so, and if not the next time - the time after that. Because life is all about living. and making mistakes is the best teacher, maybe not the first time but definitly eventually.

Jesus died for my sins. he died for my mistakes, all those times when I screwed up - his grace was big enough to save me from myself. When the sin inside me pulls me from him - that is the only time I am happy to have things erased from my life. Funny thing about sin though - the debt goes away but the memory remains. I can still learn from it and change my habits. Funny thing about Jesus is - he loves me regardless. its one of the best parts of this life thing. Is that he walks with me through it.

--his beloved

Laments

Sunday was definitely a day of frusterations. Every minute, I felt like I needed to shove my emotions down further so I could deal with something. It's good practice but I hate doing it. I hate when I want to cry and I have to suck it up. It's the spoiled girl's lament. It wasn't really just one thing either. It was many things. Many things I keep in my heart that hurt. I mourn the loss of a very good friend of mine, she is lost herself as well which makes my heart mourn worse. It's bad taste to post her business online but I am very intimately connected to her and I feel as if my heart breaks on a daily basis for her. It was something I was thinking about before I went to church.
I felt like I needed to put on a brave face for church because I hate when people ask me what's wrong before I've had a chance to figure it out myself. I feel silly. I also don't like when people ask me what's wrong. I've become so secluded with my heart that I almost get defensive when people ask. I had to keep shoving all day and by the end of it, (youth group) I had to break down - why? because the song I played for my mom's slide show was played. I haven't cried much about her for awhile. I think i'm doing alright missing her, it just feels like a dream now - or an old childhood memory that cannot be changed or taken from me. part of me but not. It isn't until I think about her not seeing my first child or annoying me while i plan my wedding that I remember that she is no longer a living breathing part of my life. oh, and when i hear that song. it just makes me so sad that she is gone. but I can't change it. Death is so final, and to anyone who would care to know - saying you'll see them in heaven is the suckiest piece of sympathy you could give. why? because we know that and it still doesnt help - not until the grieving is more under control. well, i think so anyways.

It's days like sunday that make me want to give up the ghost and find myself in Jesus's arms. All I wanted was to sleep and I just wanted his peace which he so faithfully gives. Always. Jesus is so so so consistent. always there. Always loving. never turning his back on me, no matter where my ups and downs go. he is really my hero. so honorable and sweet. I really look up to him and what he stood up for. yeah, he's my hero. and no matter how horrible my laments, he takes them onto himself because heros can hold that kind of weight. He is so big to me.

--His beloved.