Laments

Sunday was definitely a day of frusterations. Every minute, I felt like I needed to shove my emotions down further so I could deal with something. It's good practice but I hate doing it. I hate when I want to cry and I have to suck it up. It's the spoiled girl's lament. It wasn't really just one thing either. It was many things. Many things I keep in my heart that hurt. I mourn the loss of a very good friend of mine, she is lost herself as well which makes my heart mourn worse. It's bad taste to post her business online but I am very intimately connected to her and I feel as if my heart breaks on a daily basis for her. It was something I was thinking about before I went to church.
I felt like I needed to put on a brave face for church because I hate when people ask me what's wrong before I've had a chance to figure it out myself. I feel silly. I also don't like when people ask me what's wrong. I've become so secluded with my heart that I almost get defensive when people ask. I had to keep shoving all day and by the end of it, (youth group) I had to break down - why? because the song I played for my mom's slide show was played. I haven't cried much about her for awhile. I think i'm doing alright missing her, it just feels like a dream now - or an old childhood memory that cannot be changed or taken from me. part of me but not. It isn't until I think about her not seeing my first child or annoying me while i plan my wedding that I remember that she is no longer a living breathing part of my life. oh, and when i hear that song. it just makes me so sad that she is gone. but I can't change it. Death is so final, and to anyone who would care to know - saying you'll see them in heaven is the suckiest piece of sympathy you could give. why? because we know that and it still doesnt help - not until the grieving is more under control. well, i think so anyways.

It's days like sunday that make me want to give up the ghost and find myself in Jesus's arms. All I wanted was to sleep and I just wanted his peace which he so faithfully gives. Always. Jesus is so so so consistent. always there. Always loving. never turning his back on me, no matter where my ups and downs go. he is really my hero. so honorable and sweet. I really look up to him and what he stood up for. yeah, he's my hero. and no matter how horrible my laments, he takes them onto himself because heros can hold that kind of weight. He is so big to me.

--His beloved.

alot has happened in a month

Korea, is still a dream in my heart but i doubt I will be going any time soon. I like to rush away to new adventures. I like to run away. I like to hide myself in the new. But I think this time, I need to stay and face the music. Stay and live life a little bit. just be. On one hand I am anxious - I really want to do something and go go go and complete the mission in my life. ON the other hand, I keep hearing that I need to learn to be still and rest. I need to learn how to be. just be. and I dont know how yet. But today - glorious day, I think i'm figuring something out about myself. Faith- although similar to many other people's faiths, must be found by myself. I have spent the last year and half pulling away from everything and starting from the ground up. I have just taken the time to embrace myself, my flaws, my quirks and love myself. God, It's so hard to love myself. I don't know why, It might be because I have spent most of my life hating myself. I am learning to find my own faith. My own truth - in accordance to his truth (whether i'd like to agree or not) and I am learning to have my own opinion on things, my own outlook. I am finding me, and while I find myself, my faith- i find Jesus.

Today, I cried out to him while staring at one of the most breathtaking sunsets I've ever seen, I was confused about my feelings for Jesus. I have many questions, many things I will never understand that I always demand answers for but I never doubt him. I dont know him because he is so big but I know his sweetness. I dont understand his logic sometimes but I trust that he is big enough and kind enough to lead me. I guess today I realized that I was falling in love with him (agaian)? I dont know if I ever really fell in love with him. No, I loved him. I knew his love. I know his love. BUt I always looked at him as the nice guy who looked out for me when i screwed up. Who was obligated to love me and I would never be able to stop that. Today however, I realized that I admire him. I respect him. I want to talk to him, i want to hear him, dance with him, be in his presence - know him more. I never really felt like that. I mean I did, but - its very confusing trying to write it all out. something inside me has changed. I used to love jesus one way, and now it's deeper, different, on a whole new level of understanding or passion.

That is why I think I am falling in love with him. REALLY falling in love with him. HIM. Not the nice guy who takes care of me.

this post is a bit confusing. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I have found peace where I am at and have found peace finding my salvation thorugh suffering and tears or whatever we're supposed to be finding it with. It's not about rules and regulations anymore. It isn't about how good I can be. My relationship with Jesus and my faith are about him now. Loving Jesus. and please dont mistake me. I still think all the rules and stuff are important, I still think I should learn to curb my tounge and read my bible and pray. But it's with a different kind of motivation now. Its not so im good. Its because when you are in love with someone, you do things to please the other person, and I want to please Jesus, I just want to stop being such a - religious stick in the mud. I want this beautiful life that accompanies Jesus. I want balance. and he is showing me I can have it. and its beautiful.

jackie

doors are opening, wheels are turning and I am going..

Going.. Going.. TOO FAST for my comfort!! I have successfully applied for my year of teaching in Korea and I couldn't be more scared. I have a thousand things running through my mind as to what I need to get done, what documents need to be received and mailed out. Will I get it all in, Do they want me to come? Can I bring my cat? (silly I know). Can I reduce the amount of stuff I own to two bags and one box? I wanted to leave in October. That would give me just enough time to mosey along at my own pace. But my Korean Job placement advisor, Johnny is trying everything to get me there by September... AHHH!!!

I am going crazy. It's terrifying. I am unsure and uncomfortable. I hate feeling unsure. But all the doors are opening, and I haven't heard a No from the big guy upstairs yet.. Thats a positive sign. So now I need to think about selling my car? a storage shed for the nice bed I bought? should I sell everything? How freeing would that be. to only own what I can carry. see what I mean? its amazing that I sleep!

I got offered a legitimate Job. A real job. at an academy in Seoul, where the owner is a Christian and her husband is a minister. I'd be able to find a church like *that*. Talking all this out with God doesn't seem to help too much. It's just a jumble in my mind and I wish I could sort it out but no matter how many lists I write, how much I try to organize.. It's still new and scary.. but also a little exhilarating.

I mean.. I'M GOING TO KOREA!! its like my dream and the things I've told people are coming true. What God told me is coming true. its scary but exciting and stressful but its moving and wonderful. I just need to continue to try putting my trust in God instead of myself. Which has become a day to day operation that I fail on a day to day basis. Hopefully, I'll get it. I'm tired of complaining about not trusting him. Now is the time for forward movement. Now is the time to really TRY and trust him. It's just not how I expected it. -- But is it ever?

--Jackie

Praise God for his faithfulness... and not mine.

I am... inconsistent. I dont know how to go steady for one speed. I go fast then really slow. I cannot find balance. In my christian walk, I follow the patter in much the same way. I am good, and strong - full of passion and faith -- for awhile... then i cascade into slow and sticky for another long while. I don't like that I cannot attain balance. I do not like when I waste my time. But as it is-- I am wasting just that, time. I do not know how to trust God either. In the times when I am going strong, I still cannot trust him. But something inside me broke last sunday at church. I really just need to stop whining about not being able to trust him and learn how. Really learn how.
SO.
SUnday afternoon, I raised my hands and committed my week into his hands. Today is tuesday. And I've already failed miserably. I prayed about going to Korea, to teach english. I know inside my heart that that is the next step for me. I just have alot of peace about it. But things haven't been coming along very well, so I prayed about it in church on sunday with my lovely friend, tori and wonderful woman, mrs. Pam. I also prayed about my car (its having heart trouble) Yesterday, I tried putting money into my bank account and because its an outside check and I didn't have enough to cover it - they placed a 3 day hold on it. I got SO upset I just took my receipt and rode my bike home, crying. I was really upset. I ranted and raved to God about how he wants me to trust him and he has the ability to fix such things and he wouldnt. I literally acted like a foul mouthed two year old. I threw the biggest dumb fit ever. The next day - I take things into my own hands only to find out that I have just enough money to get the diagnostic test done today (which is what I wanted) and All the paper work is cleared for Korea - so I need only apply.

Thank you Jesus for being strong enough to endure my horrible behavior, my lack of trust and my pride filled sorry. He is so consistent. so faithful. So at the right speed at the right time, all the time. And I didn't trust him but he STILL came through for me. All praise to him, cuz i did nothing but whine. thank you Jesus for being my savior, my strong and beautiful savior. --ALways faithful.

_your beloved

You are the light, The light of the world.. Let me shine you, Lord

We are the people of God

The sons and the daughters of love

forgiven, restored, and redeemed

We're living our lives to the praise of our King

We are the ones who will shine

His light in the darkness of night

the hopeless, the broken, the poor -

They will be hopeless and broken no more

You are the Light, The light of the world

and we shine you, Lord

You are the Light, The light of the world

Let ME shine you, Lord

We shine like stars in the universe

Proclaiming the hope of Our God

to the sons and daughters of all the earth

-- We shine you, Lord

To the ones who are weary

the burdened and suffering

We shine you Lord

(let me shine you, Lord)

I have been praying. I have been receiving answers. - I want my passion back. I want to live for other people again. its quite lonely when I am focusing on myself. I want to be a missionary and I think I wanna do it soon. Papa Ron, from Uganda, helped ignite my passion but more specifically - restore some faith to my heart. Sometimes, I feel like my prayers fall on deaf ears and that makes me frustrated. I understand how easy it is to just give up praying when that happens. And I had - but Papa Ron spoke life into me again. I love life. and to be completely honest, the reason for living is outside me. C.S lewis said that if we cannot fill the desires of the world the only other logical reasoning would be that we are not of this world. It is only reasonable to need the one who created us. Its like trying to work a machine without the manual - you'll get some of it working but you'll never know the full potential unless we read the manual. I truly believe that God is our manual. Doing it sans God is so so much harder. Its so exhausting. If I were to put a picture to how i've felt this past year and a half it would be thirsty. Walking through a desert land, dying of thirst. Its like my explorer. I realized that I hadn't changed the oil in 15,600 miles. Which apparently is really bad, haha. But once I got it changed, it ran - so quietly, so happy, not so rough - it wasn't thirsty anymore. I want to get an oil change. its been a couple thousand miles too long.

As soon as I am no longer thirsty and getting my information from the one who so lovingly created me, I can finally have enough energy to help those like me. to SHINE his love. Because thats what a thirsty world needs.

--Jackie

Travelin Light

I am shopping for a job in Korea teaching English.  Its been quite the scary ride for me amidst the peace and uncertainty i am… headed in the right direction, whether alone or with someone i must go.  I must go.  I feel I have lain stagnant for too long and I must pick up my head and begin walking again.  This rest has been wonderful and full of sorrow, but rejuvenating.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well I was doubling over the load on my shoulders
Was a weight I carried with me everyday
Crossing miles of frustrations and rivers a raging
Picking up stones I found along the way
I staggered and I stumbled down
Pathways of trouble
I was hauling those souvenirs of misery
And with each step taken my back was breaking
'Til I found the One who took it all from me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Down by the riverside
(Down by the riverside)
I laid my burdens down,
Now I'm traveling light
My spirit lifted high
(I found my freedom now)
I found my freedom now
And I'm traveling light

 

Through the darkest alleys and loneliest valleys
I was dragging those heavy chains of doubt and fear
Then with the one word spoken the locks were broken
Now He's leading me to places
Where there are no tears

 

Down by the riverside.  That’s where I wanna be. I wanna lay it down and go on a very wonderful long incredible journey of learning, growth and forgiveness. Searching for korea is scary.  it means I take the next step and Lord knows I have become quite comfortable not moving.  But what kind of life is that?  If I was put on this earth to live – I wanna live. I wanna have the best freakin life adventure full of trials, sorrow, joy, love, peace, suffering, harmony and wonder i could ever have.  And i wanna walk it with him.  How much more beauty it would have.  SO much beauty he adds to my life.  I’ve grown used to dust and charcol grey but I want yellows, blues, bright oranges and pinks.  I want green and purple.  I want life. I want to lay my burdens down and GO. for i must GO.

Travelin Light - Sara Grooves and Joel Hansen

 

--Jackie

His Beloved

An ode to you

I met you across the church, we became great friends

our paths entwined for a while and for awhile my life was changed

I learned so much from you, so much i'll carry for the rest of my life

I lament the loss of our friendship but i cherish what you gave.

You taught me what love was and that even I was able to recieve

You showed me beauty in all the unforseen

I was able to see God through many of your dreams

I was able to touch God through your passion and hear him in your music

Although our lives have drifted and we've gone our seperate ways

I'll always carry a bit of you with me and not regret a single day

so much of you has changed me and alot of it for good

I think thats why we came together because I think you learned from me too.

as the days run into months and months to years

the anger evaperates and has begun to disappear

I hope you are happy where you are at in life

I am sorry that I hurt you with my stubbornness and pride

I cant change the past but i want to thank you for my future

cuz what ive learned from you, I will carry with me forever.

I have been thinking alot of people that come in and out of our lives. We are a community of people.. a community of souls, brushing against eachother and sharing a part of our souls with eachother. this community is effected by our heartache and rejoyces with our triumphs. Good or bad, people leave their mark on eachother. I want to leave the best mark. I know i havent always and i will probably rub alot of people wrong in days of my life but i really really wanna be the person who pours out my soul for the sake of others "afterall it isn't mine, I am mearly a steward of it" - redeeming love. My life, my possessions, my heart, my passions.. I am mearly a steward of such things. Can i possibly live a life selfless and assured? Giving of myself and knowing I have everything I need from the Lord above? Knowing that I can give of myself and he will replenish me? I wanna live like that. Why must i hold onto stuff? its only stuff. I want to share my love, my memories, my heart, my passion. Ignight a world without a vision. I wanna go and inspire others when i do. I want to forgive easily and not hold things against me.

A few months ago, God showed me what I would be like if I abandoned my everything to him and trusted him entirely. it rocked my world. I wanna be that. imagine what would happen?

I can hardly.

--Jackie