amazing.

Have you ever stopped to think about how great God really is?  its like, we are spoiled by his greatness. He gives us room to choose him, he gives us the choice to worship him, and he really is Holy, almighty, strong and powerful.  I almost think that we just cant see it because we are spoiled rotten.  Last night, during worship, I was moved to tears because we were singing this song i had fallen in love with so long ago, and its easy to just sing it.. cuz i know it.  but last night, i was reading the words and they broke me.

I afraid your love set me free
I was in debt you paid the price for me
I was hurt you took away my pain
I was alone till you called my name…

I was broken you mended me
Before I was, you loved me
you healed my body and you made me whole
No matter what I do, you don’t let go.

God is so loving, so kind, so precious, gentle, sweet, forgiving, full of grace and mercy and longing to enjoy life with us.  I cant sit here and pretend i understand everything, but I can sit here and tell you that I have experienced those things in him.  I have felt him reach down from heaven and show me so much love, it breaks my heart. I have seen visions, dreamed EXTREME dreams, i have heard the voice of God in my heart leading me this way or that and how amazing it is that the God who was around before our very existence loves me with a love so pure i cannot understand or even begin to grasp the extent of it. That God would make the world just for us, and set us as dominion over the earth and just the fact that he breathed his life into us, or just the fact that even after adam and eve got kicked out of eden, he made them clothes and watched over them, promising eve that the answer to the sin problem would come and crush the snake with his heel.  wow. God has done nothing but try to bring us to him. try to reveal himself to us, or hold us.  I’ve never been pursued and desired like that.

I will sing unto the king, I am the ransomed one
How i Love your Holy Name, Holy to the lamb who was slain
when i laugh and when i cry, you are the reason why
How i long to be with you, Forever and a day.

When i go to bed, you are near
when I wake up, you are there
when i play gutiar, you are here
When i walk in faith, you’re everywhere

You catch and save every tear i cry
Journal every day all about my life
Your love for me reaches to the sky
I am yours and You are mine

… I was ashamed, you called me beautiful
…I was a thief, you said I stole your heart

I Need to understand and realize just who Jesus is.  I need to get to some kind of understanding as to really how powerful and wonderful he is, and maybe then I wont have a problem wanting to live for myself, or treat people with contempt. Maybe then, the things i worry about wouldn’t seem so big or a problem and maybe then I wouldn’t be scared to tell other people about how amazing he is and others can love him and know his life changing love too.

Jesus, your love is more than enough… I need to figure out how to believe and live that. because he is water to the desert, rain to the dust, healing to the broken, he is life.  and c.s Lewis has it right when he says that if we are kept longing for something bigger than this world can supply, it might be correct in assuming we are not of this world. (the Jackie translation). 

--His beloved, unknowing how really true that is.

a shadow of a memory

I feel like my mom is slipping away from my mind, my memory, my life, my heart.. my reality. I just realized that My children will never know her.. I can no longer make any new memories with her.. I only have.. what I have. I know that death is not so much a bad thing as a christian.. but it doesnt make missing someone any easier. But its so cool to think about heaven. that people years and years ago will be there, and people years from now will join them.. and my mom. and me. I know my blogs have been quaint and short... but its just.. realizing things.. sometimes it hurts, sometimes its refreshing.. this would be the former.

my mom is so beautiful.

sitting still

Recently, Being in Washington :), I felt a renewed desire to travel the world and tell people about Jesus. Its the only thing I want to do with my life-- travel, live in new places and cultutres and learn about people while sharing my faith in christ. Not shoving faith down someones throat. I dont want that. I wanna go. thats it. this blog will be short. I just want to go. and live and experience and breathe and love and live... for him.

Make the cut

My moms one year anniversary of ... dying? happened this past weekend. I was a little sad, i shed a few tears but i was mostly in a sad.. sort of depressed state. I spent my weekend wondering if mom knew jesus enough to be with him in her death. I mean, I have found journals and journals of her doing devotions and learning Jesus's teachings, but she didnt necessairily show the fruit of that spirit. She didn't necessirily act like someone who loved jesus would sterotypically act. But does that mean she wasnt good enough?

Matthew 7:21-23 says:

Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. 22Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?' 23"And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS

I have taken this exerpt from here : http://www.christian-faith.com/bible-studies/Matt721.html This passage I see as a warning even to Spirit-filled believers who have seen the power of God flowing in their ministries. Jesus is saying: "Even all that is not enough. I want your heart. You need to put away sin, independence and let me direct you."

I believe my mom knew jesus and was still working out her salvation. That means, she wasnt totally christlike. I know we'll never be totally but some people get really freakin close. My mom walked the beginning stages of his love. i cant imagine who she'd be if she continued. But she always talked about Gods faithfulness, blessings and love. I believe my mom knew Jesus, personally. She may not have prophecied, spoke in tounges or raised the dead but she knew Jesus. It makes me wonder who gets to make the cut. i wish i had an easy answer, but im fairly certian that it really just goes down to the heart. christians know by the fruit they bear how healthy their trees are. Christians know if they are right with god or not. and I think its in that place of right with god, wherever that may be on the path of getting there, wherever there may be... I think thats when you know your heaven bound. Its when one leans or slips off the path of gods will that this rejection might happen. I know for those that read this who arent saved wouldnt understand what 'being right with god' means and the feelings im describing, but I know the christians will. you just feel the rightness.

I hope i always stay in gods good grace to be heaven bound and not turned away at the gates of heaven. i hope i make the cut. -- will you?

--Jackie

cast away

I always knew about those verses in the bible that talk about the body and casting out the one who professes Christ and then wont change their sins so they should be cast out. I have always been the one striving for my faith so I never thought to think about the one who was cast out. What was that person struggling with that made the church cast them out? Why were they struggling? Did they blantently ignore christ or was it something they felt torn by? I know Jesus wants all of us, our hearts and every thing else, but what if that person didnt know how to do it, struggled against it? should they be cast out mearly because of a struggle? Does Jesus really see our hearts and still cast out the one not willing?

What if the one who was cast out found it hard, excruciating even, to follow him. Was praying for an easy way out, was trying even when they didnt want to? I wonder about the heart of the people the early church cast out. I also wonder about the heart of the people cast out of churches today. Are they struggling? what happened in their lives that made such things hard for them? Were they addicted? prideful? Was God working on a huge chunk of things in their life at the moment? Who were they really? did they want to do good, but did bad like paul talked about? did they want to be with jesus but found their heart distracted? really, Who is that person that is cast aside?

It is also noteworthy to ask, how is that person doing now, post cast out? Are they bitter? angry? lonley? do they even talk to God anymore because they feel they are not good enough to touch his name? Are they hurt and walled up? given up because they aren't good enough? I wanna know the heart of that person. The beauty they exhibit through their brokenness. I wanna see the hurt, pain and invitation that Jesus extends to them. I wanna see if they feel burned because their christian friends dont come around anymore. how does that make them feel? do they feel like christian love and similiarly Jesus's love is conditional? how are they when they are cast out. Also, what cast them out? the church itself? the people gossiping, judging, being judgmental and cliquey?

I have had the sad pleasure of meeting a few who cast out, and a few who have been casted. Its wrong. So so wrong. there is no love, no acceptance - even if the person does leave, why does the Christian have to stop being friends? would that be the most effective way to lead them back? and if that wasn't even an option, why waste a beautiful friendship? those are jewels - Christian or not. I never want to be the one to push out. Forget about. hurt. someone having issues working out their salvation. It isnt up to me to decide who is worthy of Christ's or my love. I should just love and trust my heart by loving and leading how my heart tells me. It isn't up to me to judge my brothers (or not brothers) heart. I am only to love.

But if we are the Body

Why aren't His arms reaching

Why aren't His hands healing

Why aren't His words teaching

And if we are the Body

Why aren't His feet going

Why is His love not showing them there is a way

There is a way - casting crowns

regrets

A friend of mine asked me how i deal with the regrets in my life. I wrote back and forth to her for awhile and realized that I had something smart to say about it because I have taken 5 years of my life to struggle with and sort it out.  I have only figured out a chunk of the iceberg, but I like the journey I’ve traveled because I have learned so much by feeling what i felt, and learning to feel how i feel now.  

See, the thing is, I used to spend a lot of time living in shame for the things I wish could have been different.  I used to identify myself with my regrets.  Because of all that self loathing however, I have come to learn a couple things that I’d like to pen now.

When I do something that I am ashamed of, regret, or wish I could take back, I spend alot of time reflecting on what I did to make me feel that way.  I think about the good things that could come from my mistake, the bad realities that have come from my mistake and essentially why I even regret the mistake.  Was it something I said and did?  what made me regret it?  Why? I think about who I hurt with my actions so that I really understand the reality of what I’ve done. I try to get a firm understanding of the shame im feeling so that I can remember why I regret what i’ve done. Then, I make a plan to do things differently if the opportunity presents itself.  I also think about what I could have done differently to make the situation go my way.

I am not my mistakes. I am not defined by the mistakes I have made.  The thing is, is that I am human and I will make mistakes, and sometimes (a lot of times) I make really big, bad mistakes. They hurt me and those around me.  Am I bad because of that though?  No, I think not.  That’s because although you can tell a lot about a person by their choices that doesn’t mean that is who they are.  Jesus, claims us as his precious and most special children.  He says we have a plan and a future, he knows all the hairs on our head, he died because of his love for us.  Jesus has already validated me.  I am not my mistake.  I will not let that define who I am. If I do, I discredit the maker of the universe.  Because of that hope, I also do not have to continue choosing to make bad decisions.  Because through all mistakes, regrets and shame, there is good.

I wrote previously about Romans 8:28.  I truly believe that in ALL things, god works them out for the good of those who love him.  See, even if the mistake caused horrible consequences, something good can come from it and at the very least, you have learned from it.  I also have to remember that I am not done living yet.  If i make a mistake right now, that doesn't mean its the end of the world.  I have the rest of my life to live and learn and laugh and grow into a better person.  the regrets can fuel you to be that person.  So, see?  good can come from bad.

regrets. shame. dirty. bad.  they are all negative words in our vocabulary.  But mistakes and regrets can be something beautiful.  so so beautiful. we are not the mistakes we make in this world.  and even if it takes till our dying day to figure it out, there is beauty in perseverance.

--Jackie

WinterWonderSlam... The beginning and End.

I helped my church youth group out at this church lock in type thing this past weekend. We had alot of fun and I met a lot of cool girls just full of beauty. We went inner tubing (I chickened out on snowboarding) and just had a blast. I was reminded of my very own winter escape in 04. It was amazing. Not only did I just LOVE being lock in a church with a ton of kids but sometimes its just refreshing to just be locked away.

The thing about memories is they dont ever leave. Sometimes I think they do, and something will happen that bring them spirling back to my brain. To sort out and process. That happened alot at WWS. I wanted my best friend back. But along with said memories, came the reality that life right now, is how it is. I am different. My best friend at the time is now different. But the memory is sweet. Its kinda like my mom. She lives on through my brothers and I. I have memory after memory of her. EVERYTHING somehow brings her back to me. It was like a razor to my heart at first. but now im learning how to see the sweetness in it. Is that my heart Healing?

There was a time when I would tell people I would go back and redo things. Redo mistakes. But not now. I dont regret doing the things that lead me where I am at. The only regrets I have are those that caused pain for other people. I cant fix it now. I can only change myself to avoid future hurts. Sometimes I wish for the sweetness of the past. its a sad story to let beauty slip away. but its just like coming home after being away for a very long time. It isnt the same, and it wouldnt ever be the same. But the memory is forever sweet. Preserved in my head and heart. When i remember, I feel. I remember how i was feeling. At my very own winter escape. I felt freedom, joy, excitment, and rightness. at that moment in my life, it was right.

I know I am being vague. I do so on purpose. These are my memories stored and locked away in a place no one is allowed to touch. hidden in the sacred place of my heart. I just know, that memories are sweet. they can be bad as well but the ones i talk about now are sweet. gentle. soft. I cherish them. lol because even if i was to return to that moment with that person now. like i said before, it would be all wrong. two different people, two different perspectives, two different from how it used to be. :) but the used to be is still the sweetest thing about a memory.

I hope these young people can look back at this retreat and feel the same special fondness for a weekend locked away with God and godly people. There is something right about being right with God and being around people who love him like you love him. Sometimes its like I'm catching a wiff of heaven. Just loving and helping with no regard to self. Just wanting and desiring to be back in worship with God. I know for those who dont believe in him, that sounds boring; to which i respond, How do you enjoy the rush of the ocean when all you know is the puddle you enjoy. There is something infinitely wonderful about God. To be in rightness with the one who created you. To experience God and his love.

I hear talk of heaven being boring, but wanting to go because hell will be painful. but hell is just eternal seperation from our maker. how dark feeling. Why would you wanna go to heaven if you didnt wanna know Jesus anyways? the less of two evils? I'd argue to experience what you hope for. But thats just me. Heaven, i know will be something I cant even dream of. because I enjoy the puddle. But one day, I'll enjoy the ocean. (without seaweed because I am fearful of such things). or maybe i'll enjoy the freedom of the absence of fear. What a thought. anyways. Im really of topic. I just hope that memories were made, and sweet ones too. Because I know that my winter escape was sweet, and beautiful and the ordaning of something beautiful, perfect and right.

--Jackie