The shack

I've been reading that book, the shack and its amazing. Its changing my life. well.. alot of books change my life. *random thought* i think i wanna buy a kindle. I'd like lots of books on it. * anyways. The shack. lifechanging. it makes me feel things i havent felt since i first met jesus. It brings me back. lets me remember how beautiful i thought god was. How intimate we were. And i traded my love for things like bitterness, hate, hypocracy, judgement... sin. why didnt i guard it? why did i let what people had to say about me and my relationship with jesus affect it? There is a verse in the bible that says, and above all else, guard your heart. Well. me and my heart have always been at opposing sides of the field. I doubt i've ever fully trusted my heart but on a few occasions. therefore it is easy for me to understand why i wouldn't have guarded it. It doesnt seem to be that important. I think i just allow too much in and haven't been very good with boundaries- for my heart that is.

I have spent alot of time lately looking at god and who he is. and i realized, when the focus really is on him, the bitterness goes away, the anger fades, the resentment is mended and I see that fiercly loving god that i met when i first started this walk with him. I see beauty and power and i am in love and amazed and in awe at how big and powerful yet sweet and tender he really is. its like the bad melts off me when I am focusing on him. I get that verse now. "seek first the kingdom of god and all else will be given to you"


something inside my heart is changing. choices are being made. life is being birthed into me again. the life he wants for me. A life of the girl who he created to be loved, being lived as one who is loved.

--jackie

dinner and memories

I made a grilled cheese sandwich tonight, taking careful precautions to get just enough butter on all sides of the bread so it comes out perfect.  I added just enough cheese, on the perfect bread and put it on medium heat in hopes of what should have been the perfect sandwich.  I however, became distracted and let the sandwich sit too long on the burner, allowing burning smoke to fly into my nasal cavity and the entire side was burned black by the time i got to it.  Disgusted, i threw the sandwich into the sink and ran cold water over it until it became a soggy mess of congealed, black, bread – the hope of a wonderful desire. 

Again, I attempted to make a sandwich.  But because I was so frustrated at the first attempt, I didn't put much care into the second sandwich.  I spread the butter haphazardly, threw the cheese on crooked and the pan was already too hot by the time I threw it down.  I however, stood at attention to my sandwich watching it brown with just the right amount of time on each side and it became the best tasting desire I had hoped for. 

Now I tell this story because it is a metaphor into how relationships have happened in my life. the first, I tried everything to make the end result perfect and I let the security of promise entice me into forgetting to watch it brown.  I was drawn back from distraction by the subtle smell of danger that curled from the bottom of my now ruined sandwich.  Alas though, I discovered it too late and it was destroyed.  I threw it in the sink and cooled it, but there was no fixing it now. After a couple seconds of lamenting the loss of my desire, I threw it away only to remember it while writing this blog.

The second, I jumped into entirely too fast.  In the midst of the first sandwich and without the caution of perfection I could have burned the sandwich but I carefully attended to it.  Hoping to recover my loss. the second sandwich ended up amazing and everything I had wanted.  The thing I ask myself now, is, if i had only attended to the first sandwich, would it have indeed been better? or, does it all taste the same whether perfect looking or not?

Neither question could be answered, for the first sandwich has gone and the second has fulfilled my desire.  With only the question remaining, am I tempted to find out?  No.  Why?  Because the second, although imperfect tasted just as it should have. 

Therefore, I conclude with the logical response that sandwiches, like relationships don’t have to be perfectly planned, for anything, ANYTHING could ruin all hopes of the future. but relationships in which imperfection is allowed to exist but watched and cheered into the best it can be, can taste just as amazing as the hopes of the perfect sandwich. I also must conclude, that maybe the perfect sandwich or relationship lies in the imperfection but delightful tastes that butter, cheese and bread can only bring regardless of how haphazardly thrown together.

-Jackie

Passions to live for

I work with a woman who lives across the hall from her grandchildren.  aside from the fact that the family drives her insane, she loves one of them.  thats right, just one. there are two beautiful little girls that live across the hall; one gets love, blind acceptance, gifts, forgiveness – 100%.  The other however, gets all the blame, yelled and fussed at, is given gifts begrudgingly and plays alone most of the time.  One girl is rotten, the other isn’t.  I’ll bet you can’t guess which one is which.  The older girl, the one who plays alone is beautiful and polite and desires love and acceptance.  The youngest, is a brat to say the least. Watching these girls get the attention from their grandmother makes me understand why God allows his children to be disciplined. I don’t want to be a spoiled brat, I don’t want to act like the youngest.  I don’t want to live my entire life never learning to be dependant. 

I want to take the girl away.  I want to show her love and acceptance and raise her. I want to cherish younger children, who don’t have love at home.  I don’t know if its something I want to do or will do in my life.  but i know its a passion worth living for

-jackie

Accomplishments are a bittersweet thing

I remember when i first started blogging on this site and I had just graduated.  I went on to explain everything I would have once accomplished with my schooling.  I just finished. I have it all, and all i thought about was my mom never saw it happen.  Im pretty sure she knew it would happen, but she didn’t get to see the finality of the completion. 

Although I feel happy and.. odd that my school days are finished (for now), I realized that every good thing that happens to me, I can never share with her.  how… sad.  But that doesn’t stop my from rejoycing.  Its more a sad moment within the happy, which in a strange perspective, I am remembering my mom and rejoycing in her life when I miss her.  I dont know.  I recently talked to a woman of much wisdom.  SHe has been going through alot of crap this year and watching her grow from it inspires me to stop being a baby and walk.  she said “ Yes, I am not okay right now, I am allowed to let my emotions do their thing and I can be upset and hurt and angry and sad but I cannot let how I feel destroy my life. It will become a part of me, but will not be me”  Holy cow. I wanna live that.  I want to get that. really get that.

Im done. I got my double major, my TESL certificate and my CNA. Its my very own schooling tailored to specifically my interests.

I was praying last night about how scary it is to actually put your schooling into practice.  But how silly it would be not to.  I am almost terrified to go be a missionary, I lack the confidence to teach english as a second language, and fear messing something up as a CNA.  I am so tired of being chained down by fear.  God teach me to be brave.  God use me.

-Jackie

Be thou my vision

Be thou my vision
oh Lord of my heart
naught be all else to me
save that thou art
Thou my best thought
by day or by night
waking or sleeping
thy presence my light

I was listening to this song in my car while I was driving today and I began thinking about where I am at in life.  I can honestly tell you that without God’s direction in my life, I would be completely lost.  I also know that I fight him every step of the way.  I am terrified to put my trust in a God that I cannot see.  I hate that I MUST trust this God though, because without him, I cannot be.   I want so desperately to be able to jump when he says jump, go when he says go and trust him despite the uncertainty. 

Be thou my wisdom
and thou my true word
thy ever with thee
and thou with me Lord
thou my great father
and I thy true son
thou in me dwelling
and I with thee one

I have wandered off this narrow path we Christians like to talk about.  although I am not doing anything crazy, I am more wandering off the path with my heart. There is so much I don’t know or understand, and rather than walk through it in faith, i revert to myself and trust what I know best, not what he knows best.  I have to constantly remind myself that God is infinity smarter than me. But, arrogant that I am, that fact is constantly forgotten.  I mention my path abandoning because I still feel Jesus walking with me.  I kind of see it like this.  Jesus hates sin.  I am walking in a path riddled with sin.  Jesus loves me. I still love Jesus. Jesus walks with me even though i walk through muck. I hope that’s theologically sound. Because I just know that I love him, and I feel him all around me, even though I am trying to do life my own way instead of his way.

Riches I heed not
nor man’s empty praise
Thou mine inheritance
now and always
thou and thou only
first in my heart
high king of heaven
my treasure thou art

I want what this verse sings about.  I desire with so much to have it. I want to make Jesus first in my life, because I have experienced what life is like when I do. I know how to get there too. how peaceful and rewarding life is when its done his way.  Ive tried it my way MANY times. Many many times. and it is SO possible but also SO much more difficult.

High king of heaven
my victory won
May i reach heavens joys
oh bright heav’ns son
heart of my own heart
whatever befall
still be my vision
Oh ruler of all

I write not to give myself away. I write from the heart. I write to tell of my continuing process of salvation.  to write of the ease in my heart straying from him. To write of my broken humanity.  To write of his ever enduring love.  I write because I love him so passionately, so deeply, and yet, I still find it hard to trust him, to obey him, and to follow his commands. I write in vulnerability. I write with passion.  I write because I want him to be my vision.

Ive been wanting to be a bone marrow donor for forever, and i watched an episode of extreme makeover and decided i would. This is the first step :)

Dear Mom,

It's been 7 months, 18 days since I last heard your voice. I miss you alot. even though we didnt talk much those last 5 months, you being alive was like a quiet strength i used to keep my head high and my heart strong. I've learned not to lean on people anymore. they go away, ya know? You know I was talking to someone the other day and they say your store has gone to crap since you've been gone. Nothing has been stocked. I know you would be happy and frusterated by that news. More happy, i hope. I wanted so bad to just channel up there wherever you are and tell you. I hope your enjoying it. I wish i was with you. SOmetimes, Life is so hard and confusing when your doing it without the things that made you strong. I found your old journal about God. its pretty inspiriing. i wish I could feel your skin and see your face. look in your eyes and braid your hair or something. death and greif is such a... hopeless feeling. i feel hopeless. death. hurts so bad. and i cant control or fix this one. your gone and thats just how it is. will the break in my heart ever go away? Im almost finished with my CNA class. I take my state exam on the 19th. hopefully I can go work at the Denali Center as a CNA. You inspired that in me you know. anyways.. i desperately miss you.

13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.


Requiem

--Jackie