28 days of selfless love

Love.

I have spent the entire month meditating on what it means to really love someone and be loved back in return.  I have studied religious texts, famous ideals, love songs and examples from literature to help me really refine and purify my understanding of love.

I have spent the month sharing little snippets of this journey on my Facebook page because I like to share great things.  Looking back, my definition of love has already changed from what it was In the beginning.

Why love you might ask? Why do this? Why the interest? Well.. to be honest, things in my life have been pretty chaotic. A member of my family is actively dying and in trying to show her how to live a life in love, I found that I didn't have many great examples from my own life to fall back on.

I realized my love was given, but not in a pure state. I give love to feel better, or make someone hAppy which makes me feel good. I give love to have love returned.  I love to satisfy an extension of myself. It felt so dirty after doing so much meditating on the fact.  So this month while focusing on finding what love really was to me, I tried to put it into practice - which is really hard, guys.

To love unselfishly is damn near impossible. It's so hard to be continuously selfless for the sake of love. It's not like this for everyone, of course- let me explain.

Growing up, love was available but 70% of the time, love was given to me at the convenience of others. Love was not an easily accessible commodity and a lot of times what I thought was love was actually not.    This constant confusion and disappointment caused me to hide my heart from the world.  I built  walls of self loathing, fear, anger, depression - everything and anything to keep love from touching the most sensitive part of my soul.  I spent a lot of time pushing anything away from me to fortify my walls. I hid my essence behind jokes, sarcasm, and half smiles. But that is also how I defined love.

Through this process of trying to redefine love I feel like I have been begging the universe  to strip me of the walls I have built around myself and strip me bare only to rebuild properly.  In fact even in writing the admission of my walls, I feel uncomfortable because it does feel very naked.  I want to be genuine. Therefore I must be able to understand myself- to do that I have to be okay with being vulnerable- because in vulnerability  we open up our souls and touch each other. We connect. It is in this connection that I think I can change the lives of those around me for the better.  I want this to be a battle cry of sorts - be a revolutionary.  Choose to be love and in love help others also find love. Ahhhh... I have such a long way to go haha.

I have learned that this selfless love is hard- so hard because it means I have to put myself last and I just don't want to do that most of the time. But when you love someone - you have to put them first - especially if u want to live a life full of love. - that shit is hard.

I have found that to be selfless, you have to choose to sacrifice your own comfort sometimes for the sake of someone else's. I have seen that this love can be outwardly unrewarding and lackluster in pride.  Most of the time I was loving to someone who didn't deserve it (my definition), or wouldn't remember it.  My own logic tells me that you must have reward for the demand but I think that's backwards too. The reward isn't in the return, the reward is in the practice.  My heart has grown in ways I didn't think possible because I have attempted to put other people before me.

I have gained knowledge by listening instead of talking. Learned examples of love by watching instead of showing. By taking a step back and allowing others be be first, I have learned how to find love by allowing someone to affect me instead of me keeping my distance.  When I chose to put others first, I found love back.

Am I gonna be selfless all the time? Hell no. Im gonna try and I'm gonna fail a lot-but I'd rather spend my life trying to spread the love I want to see in the world than not, so I'll keep trying.
That's where I challenge you.
Try to listen when you want to speak
Try to see when you're being blinded
Try to speak when your pride has silenced you
And try to feel when your heart has been frozen.

I know this sounds like some ghandi, hippie bs and I've been a super big jerk a lot this month but when I actually practice choosing love - life kind of slips into a peaceful zen despite the circumstances around me. I have found an inner strength I never knew I had - every time I choose love, I am full of strength. And I like that. Just thought you might like it too 🙃
#28daysofselflesslove

Surrender

There is a point in life where you have to come to terms with the fact that you are not in control.  Maybe it's just me but I have been learning this lesson for my whole life.  The way I grew up instilled a deep seated fear and self doubt that had roots into all the smallest crevices of my soul.

I wanted to write this moving blog about this cool experience I had when I began believing in Jesus Christ.  Instead I just want to write whats real.  I am ashamed of the gospel.  I am ashamed to be a part of a following of people who love Jesus and I am ashamed to be ashamed.  I have been hurt and burned by people from the church.  I have been gossiped about, lied to, cheated, manipulated and been downright brainwashed by some skewed ideas about the bible.   I have qualms about how mass churches are run amd how scare tactics are used to convince people to believe and the large amount of hypocrisy displayed.

My last year of college, I began challenging the things I once so blindly followed.  I questioned the ethics of evangelism, the pressure to be "saved" and look "saved."  I hated that I felt like I was only allowed to struggle with my "sins" for so long before being able to conquer them with God's help.  I hated that I felt like I had to be on track all the time.  I hated my understanding of grace, mercy and love.  I pushed and shoved until I untangled myself from the identity I had found in Christ and began to form my own identity.  This journey outside my faith has lasted nine years and I have finally found my way back to heavens door -- I think.

I am not sure if my experiences with Christ were real or hyper created by my desire to know God, but I have had what I believe is a real relationship with the creator of the universe.  I feel silly saying it because it sounds preposterous to be "hearing from God" but I felt like at one point in my life there was an intimacy, a special place, a life changing presence to guide me,  I talked to Jesus like he was my best friend - I told him about my plans to go to Africa to be his missionary.  I told Jesus about my desire for wisdom and compassion.  I cried in his arms when I was broken (which was a lot), and smiled into the clouds while basking in the knowledge that I was so loved. I dreamed of him and just floated in this purpose.  I was ready to be a christian

My faith was challenged and swept right out from under my feet.  I stopped following all the "rules" and did whatever I wanted.  I got really selfish and bitter - another story for a later time,  Lets just fast forward because this sounds super dramatic and I dont mean it to be.  So I recently find out some news about myself that really rocks my world.  It challenges my views on living a full life, forgiveness and selfless love.  I really wanted to learn to focus on living life to the fullest extent of my existence in love, peace, understanding, faith, hope, strength, advocating for the weak, fighting to be better than yesterday.  I just want to live my whole life in love.

My news solidified my understanding of surrender.  I have no control in the world around me, I can only control me. In this surrender and journey to forgiveness and peace with the world around me, the past inside me and the future that dares me - i find myself reaching for that love that once enveloped me.  I didn't want to be a stereotype, of course - to go find Jesus when things are dim - but it was more like, a really long journey of self discovery and finding peace instead of turmoil.  In this journey I found many hang ups to believing in God but I just sort of decided finally to give God a try again and see where it would lead me instead of finding all the reasons before I could take a step.
I felt God ask me to fast something I enjoy for 40 days.  the first thought I have when God asks me to do something is " am I crazy and showing signs of schizophrenia"?  I just one day decided to give it a try and see what I would find.  I began shedding insecurities, and found myself reaching out to that presence - that zen feeling you get when praying or venting to a good friend.

I found myself opening my heart to God and talking to an old friend from a very long time ago - full of awkward pauses and brief interactions.  slowly though, the brief short - "hey, help me get a good parking spot" turned into a running monologue -I felt as if I was walking the garden with him - things felt right.  Then I decided to break my fast - but i was surprised at the hesitancy I felt at disappointing this new friend I was relearning.  All of a sudden I understood sin in a new light.  I understood grace in a new light.  I am in a place in my heart where I have developed a relationship with God and it isn't based on people in the church or how bad I followed all the rules despite wanting to.  It wasn't about rules at all - its about the closeness of my friendship.  Do I want to put all these things in between peace in a friendship?  sometimes, when I am being selfish, I do.  Even though I do though, he is ready to forgive, move on and pick right back up where we left off.   A true friend.

As I redevelop this relationship, I am reconciling my old prejudices with my new understanding of Christ and the thoughts I have formed while wandering the world.  I am learning to forgive those in the church who I feel let me down and finding surrender in the fact that people everywhere will let you down and letting go is really scary - not everyone can do it.  However, I hope to be proud to call myself a christian again - maybe be a positive example of Christ. I think I may be finding Jesus again -- or showing signs of developing schizophrenia;)

-- beloved.

Bringing Love, being love

I remember being asked to write this poem while in college that started with “I am.”  Every sentence stated a truth about me in that moment.  I recently re-did this poem and although I knew the answers would change, I was surprised at how many times I used or wanted to use the word love.  Love is my mission statement.  Love is my calling.  Can I continue to sluff off the bad things in my heart and replace it all with love?  Can I really argue for peace through my actions? 

The poem itself is almost like discovering a mission statement.  Your answers define you, well obviously – because the title of the poem is I AM. The thing is, I have changed quite a bit since my last year of college, obviously but I think it goes farther than that.  I have spent years soul searching and learning to make sense of all the ways I felt slighted while growing up.  I have searched, dabbled, and have found my true name.  I want to change the world through love (I sound like such a hippie). I am constantly seeing pain and sorrow around me- It’s everywhere and it breaks my heart.  If there is so much negative, why wouldn't you want to be a positive? 

In this quest to find love and hope in all things, I find all the things that get in the way of being selfless.  It’s super hard to be selfless.  It’s my whole life I’m talking about and I am trying to choose people.  I want to serve people.  I want to bring love to hearts that need it.  I want to make a difference by pouring myself out.

This world is broken.  BROKEN.  So many people are alone and lonely. I myself can also feel alone and lonely.  People are looking for love where there isn’t any, or they have accepted a love that is half-assed or not love at all.  Why do we settle??  We have forgotten that we are worthy.  We are unsure of who we are and what we are about.  When we are unsure, anything can convince us away from our worth. 

My heart cries for people who can’t have a happy ending.  I believe everyone should have one.  Unfortunately, that definitely isn’t the case.  This world can be so hard sometimes and I think we self-medicate when things pile up.  Sometimes we hide from the pain and it just sits inside in a place we think is gone but is waiting to rear its ugly head and shatter the façade of peace.  We carry our experiences and can choose to really deal with things and find peace through it or run from it and live a life half as peaceful as it could be.  We accept halfhearted love because we don’t think we deserve better.  It ends up damaging over and over again.  Our poor hearts.  The pain of this world can be heavy. 

Peace is attainable and a life fully lived despite the heaviness of the world is possible.  I urge you to walk through that secret door in the wall around your heart (that you avoid) and dive in.  Discover your hurts and why they hurt. Discover your addictions and dependencies.   Find out who you truly are and learn to just understand yourself but give yourself permission to be.  Why are we all trying to be the same person?  Do you know how beautiful all those quirks are?  Your silly laugh or passion for that weird thing is beautiful.  Even when you cry or get mad – it’s beautiful because it’s important to you. We cannot even know the depths of our beauty, but I challenge you to look inside and find it, love it.  Learn to love you!
I cannot say it enough.  I think people need to hear it. You are beautiful and worthy of love – even when you’re not.  Also, of course if you are an asshole and are hurting people – cut that shit out and figure out why you do it.  What is so angry inside you that you have to hurt the beauty of those around you?  Find out!! Discover yourself.  BE.

I freaked out on my nephew one day for something bad he did.  He’s 6, so he’s still learning but I caught myself telling him in a way that shamed him instead of lovingly teaching him the right way.  I have felt shame and ugly inside my heart before.  I have been beaten down and verbally lashed to a point where I felt nothing in my soul but hate.  Hate for myself, others around me and everything.  But it was the shame that killed me inside.  I hated that I might have made him feel that. It literally changed the entire way I speak to people.  I had forgotten that he was a little person.   I think sometimes we forget that the people around us are living breathing souls and have hearts that carry doubts, uncertainties, and fears just like me.  I forget that I need love.  So I forgot that people need love.  Whenever I am stressed out about something my husband has done and I want to just be a big jerk to him, telling him how I feel in a way to bring him down so he feels what I feel – I remind myself that he is my best friend.  You don’t talk to your best friend like that.  We have taken the worth out of other people because?? Is it because we have gotten lost in our selfishness? We forget to attach worth to them? We think less of them?  I am not sure.  One thing I am sure is that the passion inside me burns bright when I hear people downing another person now.  Speak life guys.  This world is full of people who hurt and manipulate – be the person who changes someone’s life by speaking words of life into the heart.  Tell people how beautiful they are, hold someone’s hand when they are sad, sit down and talk to someone – even if you don’t know them and really care--  Stay up late with someone when they are sad. 

Now, obviously, I am not there yet.  I am not this person yet but God knows my heart wants to be.  My greatest desire is to learn to love as selflessly as I can and hopefully change the world by showing people how beautiful and lovely they are. People are my passion and I thought I only liked helping medically but slowly I am becoming aware that the body, heart, mind, and soul are connected and I want to help and love every part of them.  Love is a game changer guys -try to remember that before you react (I KNOW ITS HARD!!) and soak in the knowledge that instead of being a dick, you might have actually helped.

--his beloved

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I am - 2016 

I am compassion and curiosity

I wonder the root of all things

I hear the grumblings of a nation

I see my dreams so far on the horizon

I want to embody love

I am compassion and curiosity

I pretend I am brave

I feel the shadows of mortality

I worry that love will leave me

I cry for those destined not to win

I am compassion and curiosity

I understand myself more than ever

I say love, peace and kindness should rule

I dream of a bigger capacity to save people

I try to practice what I preach

I hope to change the world through love and logic

I am compassion and curiosity. 

We only know 1%

We see things linearly. Past, present, future - in that order. Not all the time but most of the time. Some people live in the past, some in the future -

Most are challenged to live in the now. Regardless of how we view time or the events in our life - we only know what we have figured out to this moment in time. 

How many times have I heard from older people "if I knew then what I know now"? How many times do I hear from a young girl about her first love and bite my jaded tongue from educating her about heartache?  We live with those regrets because we see things linearly. We can't know everything.  But how much differently would heartache, grief, joy, anger and every other emotional memory be if we could see time from an all encompassing view? 

I was lost in the dark once (before google maps and gps) and I had no way to find my way out.  The roads were unfamiliar and seemed unwelcoming. I was so scared.   I called my father and he looked up my location and led me two miles up the hill and back to the main road.   How much easier would I have gotten myself sorted out if I could see the map and my location from above?  How little information I really have. 

Most people make educated decisions based on the information that they receive. Makes sense.

How many times have you made a decision only to find out more information that would have caused an opposite decision? It Makes me feel a little bummed out.

I have often wondered why God has allowed the things that have happened to happen in my life. I don't think I had the worst childhood but I can say specific events in my childhood have caused lasting effects on my soul - another blog, I'm sure. 

I used to get mad at God for allowing the "tragedies" to happen to me.  When bad things happened to good people I would just shake my head in disbelief and wonder just what the hell God was thinking.  I spent a good many years shunning anything to do with religion or God. I tried to make myself un-believe in God. I hated him for awhile too.  But slowly - as I gained in wisdom and matured in heart- I began to see that maybe I just didn't know all the facts.  

If God is omnipresent he should be able to know everything. If he knows everything - he is like the Birdseye view of our map. There are so many variables to what he'd have to know.

All the little memories and childhood experiences have shaped us. We know that but do we *know* which one is responsible for our distaste of such and such or hate when someone does this and that.  He does though. 

How well do you know yourself? Have you taken time to dive into your depths to discover your soul? Ever caught yourself doing or being turned off by something out of the blue? I think God knows our hearts more intimately than even a spouse or ourselves. He knows why Cain hated able- he knew Peter would deny him -even when Peter vehemently disagreed. We can't even be certain of the things we will do. But God is.

See, I remember hearing people talk about being called by God to do something. Be it tell someone about him or buy milk for the hungry family- I used to be terrified that this would happen to me.  How weird, right? 

But. When you look at it knowing that you know maybe 1% of the story- trusting God to tell you to go somewhere or do something is a lot easier because he has all the knowledge. This has to apply to things that don't make sense- like the bad things happening to good people things or the police officer that made it through his critical moment and walk away from the hospital only to die trying to fix his eye.  His family were Gods children -they were Christians, why would he do it? What about those four children that don't have a father now, God? When I only know 1%, it's so easy to call God an asshole.  If God is in control of everything, why this ending? 

I have spent a good amount of time convincing myself that God just allows shit to happen and only intervenes when we pray.  But that wouldn't be right either, he orchestrated the whole Jesus thing right after the Adam and Eve thing.  Every mess up, there seems to be a bandaid somewhere.  There is a rhythm and a rhyme to so many things in this world. An end and beginning, order where chaos should stand. Black and white, karma, yin and yang- cultures all recognize this. Balance is created. God has to have some kind of orchestration here.   That being said, he had to have had some kind of orchestration in our world even when things don't make any sense. 

Trust is not an easy thing for me to come by.  I like knowing the facts before I chose. It's hard to trust God because it takes my control from me and I have to be okay with it.  But I'm

Not. I want to have a say in my life. I want to make my decisions.  However, I am starting to realize that it's wise to lean on those smarter and wiser than you because they have more experience. Perhaps learning to lean on -(Forgive me for this churchy expression) the one who knows - is the wiser choice.  There's just more to this life than we know. How can we judge so quickly when we can't know all those facts.. 

--his beloved

Intimacy

When I'm sitting in those moments where our souls gently touch in the closeness, I am reminded what true love looks like.  It's being able to look into your eyes and not feel uncomfortable.  It's laughing with you around a fire.  Your smile when your walls are down. The genuine undressing of our boundaries 100% me and 100% you.  The intimacy is so easy. So comfortable. The trust so easily given. 

I always ask people who've been married for a long time what their secret is. It's sort of become my own private joke- I originally started asking to gleen some advice for my own uncertainties.  However, I started hearing all these lovely answers and now I ask because I love hearing people who still love each other talk about their love. I love seeing them glance at one another as if opening a secret box only they know of. 

I love that to be together for a long time you have to make the decision

(Almost daily) to choose each other.  Some days it's easy to choose your partner but other days (and sometimes for many days, weeks or months) it can be the seal of a promise that chooses for you. There are so many things that can effectively crack the foundation a couple sits on - temptation, stress, money, etc.. But those moments of intimacy can bring strength to the decision to choose. 

Whichever the degree of ease while being with my husband, there is something that I love the most about our union.  In my quest to be as joined with my husband as possible as his wife, partner and best friend- sexually, emotionally and mentally I am always aware of the depth of intimacy we are experiencing and what level we are connecting on.  I am always trying to uncover the depths of his soul. The intricacies that make up his heart are the most interesting thing to me. He is so incredibly beautiful to me because I have seen his soul, those multifaceted colors that make up his rainbow. The intimacy he gives to me has been shared by no other and I love being a part of his heart. I love that for my whole life I get to explore him. I am so privileged and honored that I get to peer into his heart.  That is the nature of intimacy. That is what keeps us connected. That's my desire.  I cannot impact or properly interact with his heart until he allows his defenses to be lowered. There are times when we are together that are naked and pure but it's hard to remain vulnerable even when you're married to someone - especially if you're married to someone! We should guard our permission inside their soul with absolute rigidity. Especially if it isn't easily given. 

I have been in relationships where I've kept myself from the other person and others where I have exposed myself bare.  The times when I am laid bare (although super scary) are the most passionate, intimate moments in my life.  It just shows me that even in a marriage, you are still interacting with a person who has a heart laced in multifaceted colors making up their idiosyncratic characteristics.  We must cherish people, how incredibly complex and beautiful they are - especially if given the gift of experiencing them so intimately. Why do we waste this?

I just thought of something else: if I can peer so deeply into another humans heart and only see a fraction of who they really are- how much more would God know us? And if he would know us so intimately, how much easier is it to understand the reasons for what we do.  With such understanding, how much more forgiving and full of grace would he be?  Love, is a big and pure thing whose simplicity we over complicate. 

--his beloved. 

An open letter to my mother

 Mom,

I spent a great many years mad at you.  I was mad at you for dying. Mad for dying so early and unnecessarily, mad that I was alone, mad to not have you in my corner anymore.  See that’s the thing, even though you and I never got along – I always knew you were in my corner.  I miss the richness having you in my life brought me, even though you were full of drama – you were my drama.

I’ve learned a lot since you’ve been gone.  I’m a grown woman now, I bet you wouldn’t even recognize me.  I am proud of the woman I am, confident and solid.  You’ve contributed to this, you know.  Your soul has shaped mine – in some ways more pleasant than others, you’ll see. I was talking about you the other day and I realized just how different a person I am today.  I want you to know who I am, even though it’s impossible.  However, I feel in some way I can connect with you through the writing of this letter.  Mom, I’m going to be as honest as possible – that’s something new about me, I am not afraid to speak my mind anymore.  I just want you to know my heart.

When I was growing up, you used to work – constantly.  I’m not upset about that, I understand we were poor.  I sort of wish you had managed your money better because we wouldn’t have been poor but sometimes you just get behind and you can’t ever break the cycle.  I’ve been there – I’ve learned from it too.  You never seemed to learn how to get there, I think limits were really hard for you – or freedom felt like heaven to you. I don’t fault you for this either.  I used to, that’s why I had to bring it up, I suppose.  I used to hate the mention of being like you, looking like you, having your qualities.  I think I genuinely hated you.  I am sorry for that, I know you would forgive me.  I have learned to forgive you.

I don’t know the whole story of what happened after the divorce.  There were some mumblings of you not defending me after I told you.  There was some rumor that I had a breakdown in elementary school.  I don’t remember all that.  I wish you would have protected me if those rumors were true.  I have some residual effects from that incident but I think I am mostly okay.  I think about it sometimes but the thought is brief and I push it away to better things.  No use dwelling on the past unless it can be used to better the future, right? I have learned to forgive.  Not just for them but mostly for me.   I don’t need to carry the bitterness of unforgiveness in my life.  So it happened, I am happy today so it’s okay.  I am alive and well and my heart is full, mom.  I am able to practice my empathy and shoulder more burdens.  I am able to feel and cry when the emotion strikes me – I was so cold when I was younger.

Your work habits shaped mine.  There was a time, I was working two full time jobs (to pay for that expensive college degree I haven’t been using).  I was proud I was able to keep it down.  I wasn’t calling in, I was able to hang but my heart just wasn’t in it.  My quality of life was bad.  I was arguing with my husband (yes, I married Landon – more about him later) and my house was always dirty (I hate how our home looked when I was growing up and have found a nice appreciation for cleaning.  I’m still messy as hell, but I can’t do filthy).  So I stopped, and started to look around at life and really think about what made me happy.  I shut down for a while after you died. Not because I couldn’t function without you, but because you left such emotional scars on my heart that I had to now navigate alone.  I felt a dark spot – I feel a dark spot where your bright soul used to live in my heart.  Now I have memories and a bottle of your expensive perfume in a box in the closet.  Every time I open it, I am reminded of hugging your neck – one of the few great memories of you.

Becky was a good help to me after you died.  She became my pseudo mother.  We grew very close in the years I worked with her.  I followed our plan to become a PCA and then took the CNA class after graduation (yes, that’s right, I graduated college with two bachelor’s degrees and a certification to teach English as a second language).  – but I only followed our plan simply because that was our plan and I didn’t know what to do after you died – so I followed the pre-arranged plan.   Im happy I did.  I have been a CNA for the past 6 years and I LOVE it.  I fell in love with the medical field, I am going to school to become a PA.  I know you would gush about this to everyone.  I know I am making you proud.  I have met some of the most beautiful people as a CNA.  I’ve discovered my calling – to serve people and heal through my hands and heart.  To offer myself.  It’s like a key clicking in a lock.  This is who I am. 

Becky helped me figure that out too.  She died a couple years ago.  Her cancer came back and took her quick.  I hesitated calling her because I didn’t want to deal with her impending death and when I finally worked up the courage to call her, she was already too far gone and I never got to tell her I loved her.  I mean I did, over the phone but I’ll never know if she heard it.  I hope she knows I do. I’m sure she does.  It taught me not to wait to tell people the good things you love about them.  Why wait to be kind? Why wait to call?

Boy, did I love her. I miss her laugh and smart ass sense of humor.  She was fierce and I loved that. 

Landon and I have been together since 2008 (again, haha).  We’ve toughed through a lot.  Still no children for us, we miscarried in 2012 and haven’t tried again.  Joey had a kid though! his name is kevin and he would lighten your world.  He is the most awesome little guy I have ever met and I love him with my whole heart.  He is so special and beautiful – smart and full of questions.  Sometimes he can be a little asshole, but most of the time he’s a sweetheart.  Landon adores him.  He adores Landon. It’s the best. Landon and I have a fun time.  Especially lately, I have learned some things in the past year and I think its really enriched our relationship.  I have learned to be more patient and try to only build up.  I have learned to speak my mind and be honest.  I think really, I have learned who I am and what I want as a woman.  I fight fiercely for my marriage (most days, haha) and I hope we do okay.  Because I have seen divorce through you and dad, I hold tighter than most but I don’t think its because you divorced.  I think when I love something or when I make a promise, I just have to follow through, passionately.

I learned more about your disease this year.  I learned that I carry your genetic makeup more than just in my looks.  It has really made me think a lot about who I am and who I want to be.  To forgive easily and fight fiercely.  I have learned who I am as a woman and I like myself.  I love knowing where my weak spots are and my strengths.  I love knowing what I want in bed ( we don’t get to talk about this, mother haha) I love knowing what makes me happy and how to find peace.  I could literally die right now and know that I am at peace.  I could probably work on my relationship with God a lot more but I am so fulfilled.  I think that as I look back on my life as an adult, I can understand your struggle a lot more than I used to.  I can understand why we clashed the way we did.  I just wish I could talk to you now, knowing what I know now. 

I have to say, I hate that you used your disease to threaten us as children.  I remember you telling me that you will kill yourself before you go on dialysis.  I was scared I would be without a mother.  But then you did get sick and you didn’t take care of yourself.  You never could manage the weight thing.  It ended up being one of the biggest reasons for your death.   It makes me extremely nervous when my weight goes up.  I worry that your disease took you so fast because you didn’t follow the recommendations the kidney doctors gave you.  I hate that.  I believe you could have been here longer or hade more time for a transplant if you had taken your binders and ate the appropriate food – or just kept healthy knowing first-hand what it’s like to watch a parent be sick and dying with a kidney problem. I wont make the same mistake.  But I thank you for that – because without watching your situation, I may not have this opportunity.

When I look back on my childhood, I remember spastic mood swings, some fun times and most of our arguments.  I remember hating myself and everyone around me.  I remember the alcohol and consumption of questionable items.  I remember cutting myself and wishing to die. I remember finding Jesus and feeling love in my heart and his guidance in my life.  I am where I am today because of his constant guidance and patience in my heart.  Mom, I was kind of a mess. I am better now. 

I miss you, and I could talk forever about the changes in my life. These are the things I typed when I felt your thought in my heart and so they must be the most important to tell you.   I love you, and my memories of you have turned lighter in my mind.  I wish you were here for me to tell you all this.  I suppose this will have to do.

Love,

Jackie

walk the clouds to find your soul

When I climb into the clouds, I find myself at a place where I am completely, 100% myself.  I walk with a pack on my back carrying my insecurities, my hopes, dreams, passions and goals.  Except while those things define me, they are not what I find at the top of the mountain.  I don’t always know it, but I am always searching. Searching for answers, peace, a happy ending, but mostly for acceptance.  I want to know that who I am, is okay with the rest of the world.  It is scary find yourself and then to stand up and defend the inner parts of your heart.  It isn’t that I need the acceptance to continue being who I am, it’s more that I would like it.  I would like to know that I am pleasing and acceptable to those around me.  I want to be a pleasure. 

The best part about self-discovery and acceptance is the peace that comes with it.  Even with my negative aspects, I have come to terms with myself and all the many shades that make my colors.  I am beautiful in the knowledge of myself.  I am aware of that, but I hope others agree with me.  I feel the same concern when I recommend a good restaurant – I don’t want to steer people towards something they wouldn’t enjoy.  I honestly find so much pleasure in creating pleasure for people – I think my own desires stem from that.

 I say all this because when I am on top of a mountain, I stop searching. When I am surrounded by the unspeakable beauties of nature untouched by man, I am caught speechless.  I am aware of something bigger than me.  There is a vast largeness that cannot contain the inextricable glory that this world has to offer.   There is an acceptance here – an unspoken agreement – that whatever I am is all I can bring to the table and whatever nature chooses- will be.  We coexist in the unspoken treaty of our existence and I am wholly me surrounded by the universe that I live inside.  I cease searching and I am found.  I find peace in just being.  There is no other place in this world where I can be so simplified and existential all at the same time.

The climb always throws me.  Even though I know it’s coming and I know itll be hard, I still ache when I get to the incline.  I’m not the fittest girl but I am determined.  I do not want this mountain to conquer me when so much has already laid claim on my life.  I want to get to the top and KNOW that I can.  I get a rush out of conquering something so daunting.  It makes me feel strong despite my vulnerabilities and powerful despite my insecurities.  There is no other high like it.  The process is simple: begin the climb, hate the climb, accept the climb, enjoy the climb, stop searching, find my way home – because it always ends.  I find it has given me a better passion for patience.  I find you can apply this process to almost anything in life that requires long suffering endurance, haha.  The thing I have learned most while hiking is that even when I am dead tired, I can still go.  Even when my body aches, I can still go.  The situation will always eventually end.   In a day and age where I fight to remind myself that I am never in control of anything except myself, it is soul satisfying to be on a mountain where I have no control except my ability to walk on. 

The hike is near and dear to my heart.  Whenever I come down from the clouds, despite my exhaustion, I immediately wish I was back.  I find things on those mountains that I have never found in town. I learn things about myself that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t gone.  The experience for me is so real that I feel as if I have visited a sanctuary of sorts.  My heart demands to be wild and I must obey for so too does my mind desire a sunset over the mountains with black coffee to sip on and worldly things to dwell upon.  I don’t know much in this world, I doubt things constantly; but one thing is for sure, I know who I am – especially stripped bare at the top of the world and that is enough for me. I want that genuineness, all the time.

--His beloved