Praise God for his faithfulness... and not mine.

I am... inconsistent. I dont know how to go steady for one speed. I go fast then really slow. I cannot find balance. In my christian walk, I follow the patter in much the same way. I am good, and strong - full of passion and faith -- for awhile... then i cascade into slow and sticky for another long while. I don't like that I cannot attain balance. I do not like when I waste my time. But as it is-- I am wasting just that, time. I do not know how to trust God either. In the times when I am going strong, I still cannot trust him. But something inside me broke last sunday at church. I really just need to stop whining about not being able to trust him and learn how. Really learn how.
SO.
SUnday afternoon, I raised my hands and committed my week into his hands. Today is tuesday. And I've already failed miserably. I prayed about going to Korea, to teach english. I know inside my heart that that is the next step for me. I just have alot of peace about it. But things haven't been coming along very well, so I prayed about it in church on sunday with my lovely friend, tori and wonderful woman, mrs. Pam. I also prayed about my car (its having heart trouble) Yesterday, I tried putting money into my bank account and because its an outside check and I didn't have enough to cover it - they placed a 3 day hold on it. I got SO upset I just took my receipt and rode my bike home, crying. I was really upset. I ranted and raved to God about how he wants me to trust him and he has the ability to fix such things and he wouldnt. I literally acted like a foul mouthed two year old. I threw the biggest dumb fit ever. The next day - I take things into my own hands only to find out that I have just enough money to get the diagnostic test done today (which is what I wanted) and All the paper work is cleared for Korea - so I need only apply.

Thank you Jesus for being strong enough to endure my horrible behavior, my lack of trust and my pride filled sorry. He is so consistent. so faithful. So at the right speed at the right time, all the time. And I didn't trust him but he STILL came through for me. All praise to him, cuz i did nothing but whine. thank you Jesus for being my savior, my strong and beautiful savior. --ALways faithful.

_your beloved

You are the light, The light of the world.. Let me shine you, Lord

We are the people of God

The sons and the daughters of love

forgiven, restored, and redeemed

We're living our lives to the praise of our King

We are the ones who will shine

His light in the darkness of night

the hopeless, the broken, the poor -

They will be hopeless and broken no more

You are the Light, The light of the world

and we shine you, Lord

You are the Light, The light of the world

Let ME shine you, Lord

We shine like stars in the universe

Proclaiming the hope of Our God

to the sons and daughters of all the earth

-- We shine you, Lord

To the ones who are weary

the burdened and suffering

We shine you Lord

(let me shine you, Lord)

I have been praying. I have been receiving answers. - I want my passion back. I want to live for other people again. its quite lonely when I am focusing on myself. I want to be a missionary and I think I wanna do it soon. Papa Ron, from Uganda, helped ignite my passion but more specifically - restore some faith to my heart. Sometimes, I feel like my prayers fall on deaf ears and that makes me frustrated. I understand how easy it is to just give up praying when that happens. And I had - but Papa Ron spoke life into me again. I love life. and to be completely honest, the reason for living is outside me. C.S lewis said that if we cannot fill the desires of the world the only other logical reasoning would be that we are not of this world. It is only reasonable to need the one who created us. Its like trying to work a machine without the manual - you'll get some of it working but you'll never know the full potential unless we read the manual. I truly believe that God is our manual. Doing it sans God is so so much harder. Its so exhausting. If I were to put a picture to how i've felt this past year and a half it would be thirsty. Walking through a desert land, dying of thirst. Its like my explorer. I realized that I hadn't changed the oil in 15,600 miles. Which apparently is really bad, haha. But once I got it changed, it ran - so quietly, so happy, not so rough - it wasn't thirsty anymore. I want to get an oil change. its been a couple thousand miles too long.

As soon as I am no longer thirsty and getting my information from the one who so lovingly created me, I can finally have enough energy to help those like me. to SHINE his love. Because thats what a thirsty world needs.

--Jackie

Travelin Light

I am shopping for a job in Korea teaching English.  Its been quite the scary ride for me amidst the peace and uncertainty i am… headed in the right direction, whether alone or with someone i must go.  I must go.  I feel I have lain stagnant for too long and I must pick up my head and begin walking again.  This rest has been wonderful and full of sorrow, but rejuvenating.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well I was doubling over the load on my shoulders
Was a weight I carried with me everyday
Crossing miles of frustrations and rivers a raging
Picking up stones I found along the way
I staggered and I stumbled down
Pathways of trouble
I was hauling those souvenirs of misery
And with each step taken my back was breaking
'Til I found the One who took it all from me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Down by the riverside
(Down by the riverside)
I laid my burdens down,
Now I'm traveling light
My spirit lifted high
(I found my freedom now)
I found my freedom now
And I'm traveling light

 

Through the darkest alleys and loneliest valleys
I was dragging those heavy chains of doubt and fear
Then with the one word spoken the locks were broken
Now He's leading me to places
Where there are no tears

 

Down by the riverside.  That’s where I wanna be. I wanna lay it down and go on a very wonderful long incredible journey of learning, growth and forgiveness. Searching for korea is scary.  it means I take the next step and Lord knows I have become quite comfortable not moving.  But what kind of life is that?  If I was put on this earth to live – I wanna live. I wanna have the best freakin life adventure full of trials, sorrow, joy, love, peace, suffering, harmony and wonder i could ever have.  And i wanna walk it with him.  How much more beauty it would have.  SO much beauty he adds to my life.  I’ve grown used to dust and charcol grey but I want yellows, blues, bright oranges and pinks.  I want green and purple.  I want life. I want to lay my burdens down and GO. for i must GO.

Travelin Light - Sara Grooves and Joel Hansen

 

--Jackie

His Beloved

An ode to you

I met you across the church, we became great friends

our paths entwined for a while and for awhile my life was changed

I learned so much from you, so much i'll carry for the rest of my life

I lament the loss of our friendship but i cherish what you gave.

You taught me what love was and that even I was able to recieve

You showed me beauty in all the unforseen

I was able to see God through many of your dreams

I was able to touch God through your passion and hear him in your music

Although our lives have drifted and we've gone our seperate ways

I'll always carry a bit of you with me and not regret a single day

so much of you has changed me and alot of it for good

I think thats why we came together because I think you learned from me too.

as the days run into months and months to years

the anger evaperates and has begun to disappear

I hope you are happy where you are at in life

I am sorry that I hurt you with my stubbornness and pride

I cant change the past but i want to thank you for my future

cuz what ive learned from you, I will carry with me forever.

I have been thinking alot of people that come in and out of our lives. We are a community of people.. a community of souls, brushing against eachother and sharing a part of our souls with eachother. this community is effected by our heartache and rejoyces with our triumphs. Good or bad, people leave their mark on eachother. I want to leave the best mark. I know i havent always and i will probably rub alot of people wrong in days of my life but i really really wanna be the person who pours out my soul for the sake of others "afterall it isn't mine, I am mearly a steward of it" - redeeming love. My life, my possessions, my heart, my passions.. I am mearly a steward of such things. Can i possibly live a life selfless and assured? Giving of myself and knowing I have everything I need from the Lord above? Knowing that I can give of myself and he will replenish me? I wanna live like that. Why must i hold onto stuff? its only stuff. I want to share my love, my memories, my heart, my passion. Ignight a world without a vision. I wanna go and inspire others when i do. I want to forgive easily and not hold things against me.

A few months ago, God showed me what I would be like if I abandoned my everything to him and trusted him entirely. it rocked my world. I wanna be that. imagine what would happen?

I can hardly.

--Jackie

A whisper of something real

You can't comfort the afflicted without first afflicting the comfortable - Princess Diana

I just read this expose' on Princess Diana. I didn't generally care too much about her because I'm not a big main stream fan.. But I have to say.. after I read about who she was - I am now mainstream in my like of her. She was passionate, insecure, compassionate, devoted, loving, and she deffintly beat to the sound of her own drum - an she didn't appoligise for it. Thats what I wanna be. I wanna be me and not say sorry for it. I mean.. isnt that who i was created to be in the first place?? Myself. No one in this world will be me. I get to fill those shoes, whatever they may look like.

That quote that she said up there is so true. I wanna get back to being uncomfortable. I wasn't ready for it.. but God keeps encourgaing me to raise my head and walk like the woman of God that I am and not cower like i have been. I want to comfort the afflicted. I want to be that.. and By golly, I will be.

Chasing the sunset

Yesterday, I went bike riding around 11.  The sun doesn’t start setting until then and I was up and bored so I decided to ride and see where it took me.  I found myself riding right into the most glorious sight I had (dare I say ever?) seen.  It was astounding, breath-taking, amazing, the most out of this world, supernatural sunset I have ever had the privilege to encounter.  It burst forth music in color, made my heart speed up and the world slow down.  The sunset had hues of pink, clouds of bright orange – fluffy enough to imagine as cotton candy being pulled apart from the bag gotten at the fair, stripes of gold ripped through the entire picture and at the center of it was the blazing mass of heat creating the whole thing.

       The image was like a doorway to somewhere greater, something unknown but known at the same time.  It was cold and hot, beautiful and delicate, powerful and simple. I found words to write again, words to compose poems again. I found inspiration.  It was simply lovely. As I watched this sunset, it was like I was the only person that existed.  It was like I was watching the earth being formed, something magical but so normal.  It was beautiful. I continued to ride my bike with renewed fervency; trying desperately to catch up to the sun and see every ounce of it while it displayed its wonder. Through the bugs hitting my sweaty face and the hot air through my hair – I rode on.  I cannot explain fully what this sunset did to me but I can say that I saw God in it. Never has anything in the bible spoken so loudly to me about GLORY. Never has any verse been so real to me.  That sunset was GLORIOUS. If it was even 1/64th of the majesty of heaven, I wont know what to do when i reach it.  My heart would fall right out of my chest and I would die of the beauty my eyes would behold.  I think I would literally die of a bleeding heart because it would be so beautiful.

        Sometimes, I wonder, if God made earth and humans perfect and we are corrupted by the fall – just how beautiful was everything in the beginning’s perfection.  We are tainted by disease and sorrow and the beauty seems to leave our lives.  It is a struggle to hold onto such things.  How beautiful was the fruit and wonderful was the body?  How lovely smelling was the flowers?   How exquisite is heaven then?  Just how lovely is Jesus?  How powerful, mighty, worthy, holy?  I think I understand why Isaiah would fall on his face and become cleansed just by seeing God. I saw a sunset – and I felt, heard, knew God in that moment. How can this world full of strife and sorrow know such beauty?  Where does it come from? If things were really banged into existence why did it bang so beautifully?  why does the smell after rain and the sound of waterfalls take on the embodiment of music and wonder?  I am just captured by the beauty in this life.  Why Jesus would give us beauty and not just a job shows his tender intentions.  -- That Jesus would create a wondrous playground for his beloved to play in is so beautiful. And I am Captured. In Awe. Astounded. Reminded. Wooed. Swept Off My Feet.  Captivated. Loved. man, I am Loved. by the God who made all this, how could he Love ME? create beauty like that- with me in mind? for everyone. just waiting to come home.. God I wanna see it. I wanna see heaven, that beauty. It calls me home; and Just like I chased the sunset – I’m gonna chase my home.

 

Gazing into the eyes of eternity

I find you are staring right through me

like deep calling unto deep – I get lost in your love

When I step into you

I walk a line between heaven and humanity

I live on earth and Exist in Eternity

Pressing through this earthly veil – you reveal your mysteries

When I step into you

- Angela Pinkston

-chasing the sunset- chasing my home

                                                – Jackie – His beloved.

amazing.

Have you ever stopped to think about how great God really is?  its like, we are spoiled by his greatness. He gives us room to choose him, he gives us the choice to worship him, and he really is Holy, almighty, strong and powerful.  I almost think that we just cant see it because we are spoiled rotten.  Last night, during worship, I was moved to tears because we were singing this song i had fallen in love with so long ago, and its easy to just sing it.. cuz i know it.  but last night, i was reading the words and they broke me.

I afraid your love set me free
I was in debt you paid the price for me
I was hurt you took away my pain
I was alone till you called my name…

I was broken you mended me
Before I was, you loved me
you healed my body and you made me whole
No matter what I do, you don’t let go.

God is so loving, so kind, so precious, gentle, sweet, forgiving, full of grace and mercy and longing to enjoy life with us.  I cant sit here and pretend i understand everything, but I can sit here and tell you that I have experienced those things in him.  I have felt him reach down from heaven and show me so much love, it breaks my heart. I have seen visions, dreamed EXTREME dreams, i have heard the voice of God in my heart leading me this way or that and how amazing it is that the God who was around before our very existence loves me with a love so pure i cannot understand or even begin to grasp the extent of it. That God would make the world just for us, and set us as dominion over the earth and just the fact that he breathed his life into us, or just the fact that even after adam and eve got kicked out of eden, he made them clothes and watched over them, promising eve that the answer to the sin problem would come and crush the snake with his heel.  wow. God has done nothing but try to bring us to him. try to reveal himself to us, or hold us.  I’ve never been pursued and desired like that.

I will sing unto the king, I am the ransomed one
How i Love your Holy Name, Holy to the lamb who was slain
when i laugh and when i cry, you are the reason why
How i long to be with you, Forever and a day.

When i go to bed, you are near
when I wake up, you are there
when i play gutiar, you are here
When i walk in faith, you’re everywhere

You catch and save every tear i cry
Journal every day all about my life
Your love for me reaches to the sky
I am yours and You are mine

… I was ashamed, you called me beautiful
…I was a thief, you said I stole your heart

I Need to understand and realize just who Jesus is.  I need to get to some kind of understanding as to really how powerful and wonderful he is, and maybe then I wont have a problem wanting to live for myself, or treat people with contempt. Maybe then, the things i worry about wouldn’t seem so big or a problem and maybe then I wouldn’t be scared to tell other people about how amazing he is and others can love him and know his life changing love too.

Jesus, your love is more than enough… I need to figure out how to believe and live that. because he is water to the desert, rain to the dust, healing to the broken, he is life.  and c.s Lewis has it right when he says that if we are kept longing for something bigger than this world can supply, it might be correct in assuming we are not of this world. (the Jackie translation). 

--His beloved, unknowing how really true that is.