love

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him, shall not perish but have everlasting life - John 3:16

What do I even know about love? I know how to love others.. I know how to be love for others.. but i dont know how to accept love. Someone told me once that God brags about me. I ask: to who? and why? Someone once told me, God melts when he looks at you. I ask: how does that work, and why? I dont know how to accept love. I don't know if i'll ever be able to accept it. Love wasn't something prevailiant in my life. Love.. came after i met Christ. but even then. why? WHy would you love me? why would you send your son to die for this wretch? why? I believe he did it, but why?

God, is love. I just dont get love. I mean, i see it. I do, i really do. in my church and pastors that care for me even when im a jerk, and love me despite all I do. I know it, ive felt it, I just have a hard time processing it. Its been on my mind for the past couple days. Someone once told me that I need to love myself before I can properly love others. I think they might be true. I just pray God shows me how to accept it. maybe the first moment of acceptance is loving myself? im just not sure.

-jackie

My heart cries to fly

  I’ve been sitting in a pit (proverbially of course) of mud.  I knew i should have gotten up and cleaned myself off, but the effort of the whole thing seemed too hard to attempt.  In fact, the mud didn’t seem too bad. The mud almost seemed comfortable.  The more i sat in it, the less I wanted to walk into the sunshine, enjoy smelling flowers and other cool things people who don’t sit in proverbially mud pits do.  The reality of it is, I was tired.  so tired.  too tired.  I didn’t want to push myself anymore. I didn’t want to hear God cheering me on.  I turned everything off and sat.  what a life to live. 

Funny thing about sitting in mud pits however, is that Jesus didn’t make us to sit in mud pits.  He came that we may have life and have it to the full.  there was nothing full about my mud pit lifestyle except me.  I was full of myself.  Anyways, through a series of events and unhappiness at my pit life, a couple hands reached down and picked me up despite my better efforts and warding them off.

Guess what?  I like standing outside the mud.  Although i learned tons in the pit, im learning even more out of it.  there is only so much you can learn about your situation before there is nothing left to learn.  Strangely, the pit life sucked me of passion and excitement.  The desires that make me me, withered to nothing.. but now.. Oh now.. My heart is crying again. 
Not a bad crying.  now, my heart cries to fly.  God i want to fly away to lands with strange food and animals, people that dont look or think like me, and i want to learn from them and teach them about living outside the pit.  teach them about living to fly. 

John 10:10 ~ I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full, I have not come into the world to condemn the world, but to save it.

livin in the pit?  take a chance and try to stand.  the perspective up here is alot better, I promise.

--Jackie

The beauty of my home

Its summer time.  that means people come home to where they have been for various reasons like school, work, seasonal jobs, vacations (year long?).  Because i have been home, I have gotten to see many of these summer visitations.  I have gotten to visit with beautiful people. it being summer, i also get to look at all the beautiful things that have given way to life. trees, 9 months dead, now green with life.

This past couple weeks, well actually, all summer, have smothered Alaska with smoke from the many thousands of acres burning from forest fires. recently however, the smoke has been close to Fairbanks, where I currently reside. Visibility in the city sucks.

 

  

 

Anyways, I went with my youth group to Denali National Park on a yearly camping trip called CCC (short for communist chipmunk camp) [don’t ask why that’s what its called ha-ha] And there was NO smoke and the sun was even out.  It was the most glorious thing i have ever seen.

  

 

 

 

 

Savage River!

 

 

 

Tori and I

 

 

The beauty of Denali National Park!

 

 

Anyways, I REALLY appreciated the sun and no smoke and seeing how pretty everything was that it just made me appreciate it so much more. its kinda like that with the crappy things in life. That’s all you see when its happening. But when it lifts, whenever that is, you appreciate the beauty way more than if the crap hadn’t been there.

if everything was good in our lives, i don’t think we’d appreciate it nearly as much as we do after we experience crap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

that wind that blows me home

I am sitting in the parking lot at a place called Alaska land. well technically, its called Pioneer Park but anyone who has lived in Fairbanks their entire lives know what its really called.  regardless, I am in my beautiful busted reconstructed Ford Explorer with the windows down at 11 at night and the wind is blowing through one window and out the other. 

Ever since I can remember, I have connected with the wind in my life.  Not in a super spiritual way but it has always seemed to calm me down in my anger, bring peace in my pain, and remind me in my loneliness.

Tonight, as i sit here with words upon words in my head i am brought peace.  The wind goes everywhere.  No matter where i go it will be there.  Kinda the same thing with god.  I have been going back and forth, up and down thinking about who god is to me.  my life. my purpose.  But its comforting to know that no matter where i am, just like the wind, god is there.

--Jackie

The home of the Last Frontier

 

I am currently living back in Alaska.  Every time I come home, i am in awe at what i have left behind.  I am captured by every sunset, every rain, every drunk native, every single cultural difference from Seattle.  God, I love it here.  Alaska is where I grew up, Alaska is my home.  Recently, I thought to make Alaska my home forever while I do missions work.  Go and come go and come.

But then, I remember the beauty that I left behind.  Seattle.  beautiful Seattle.  the busyness, the bus lines, the people (oh the people!), the rain, the lakes, and how pretty spring is when those heavenly cherry blossoms bloom and the wind blows those delicate pink petals all over the state.  Its magical.

And then, Egypt.  Hot, beautiful, Egypt.   I know I only lived there for 2 months, but i miss it something fierce.  It wasn't the most aesthetically pleasing place to live and sometimes when the wind picked up really hard, i smelled something pungent.  But the people are loving and sweet, and the culture screams of something complexly foreign to me, but i would go back if i could.  I miss seeing the beaten up old taxi’s everywhere.  I miss the fruit stands and the constant jibber of Arabic and myself straining to understand some of it.  I miss getting inside our flat after being stuck in traffic and turning on the air conditioner.  I even miss the food and the annoying men catcalling.  Not because i need that for some kind of personal enrichment, but because Egypt wouldn’t be Egypt without them.  :).   What i miss the most however, is making memories in a new place and holding them with me forever.

I will live many places in my lifetime.  I may never come back to Alaska, or go visit Egypt. I may never again see the beautiful Seattle skyline, but i do know that living in a new place always comes with the pros.  I love it.  I am so excited to venture out and discover more and more of the beautiful places in on this globe.  I will fall in love and build relationships, make memories and then move away and start again.  its the beauty of life. until then however, I am stationed here in this glorious state of Alaska, the home of the last frontier.

--Jackie

Graduation!

 

          I stood watching the class of 2008 walk down to the stage last year while i waited with the rest of the choir to sing that year’s graduation songs.  I felt a beating deep in my chest.. something stirring me to overwhelming emotion. 

             This year, I stood with my class while i prepared to walk down the isle to receive the little folder stating I would be graduating.  I had been squealing all day but when it came time to walk, i grew quiet (as i do in all situations of intense unknown) and all I could say was thank you.  God.  Thank you.  My biggest cheerleader.  The one who lead me this way.  My coach, My protector.  My deliverer.  The one who held my hand while my fiancé and I broke up in junior year, The one who carried me when my mom died my senior year.  The one who never gave up on me. 

              Sure, I was proud of myself, but really.. All I was thinking was my deepest thanks to my Lord.  God, why are you so good to me?  Why did you give me such great dreams to live and let me see unfold before my eyes?  God what else will I do with your help?  The dreams that swirl around my head sparkle with the idea that they could actually come true.  Most importantly, God.. you told me before this even happened that it would indeed happen.  Why would you be so honest and revealing to someone who messes so many things up?  God.. Thank you for helping me get through school.  For making a bridge for me to cross stormy waters. God.. seriously.. Thank you for never giving up on me and walking with me every step of the way. 

            There is something beautiful and intimate about a God who watches you accomplish the dreams he put in your heart in the first place, knowing that he didn’t just send you away and come to graduation when you had finished.. No.. He walked with me.. and those times i couldn’t even Walk.. HE CARRIED ME.  I could have never gotten this far without his loving embrace.  never got across that stage to grab that blue folder. Never would have received that prize everyone keeps talking about. I am currently continuing my education here at Northwest University to receive my TESL (teaching English as a second language) certificate.  Then on to Alaska, to hopefully complete my CNA (certified nursing license) and my license to preach.. Then I will hopefully make the 9 and a half hour trip to beautiful Japan and teach English for a year.

            what does God have for me after that?  I don’t know.. but i am not in need and I am not scared.  He got me across that stage, he got me through some of the toughest times of life.. He will show me which way to go. 

Isaiah 30:21 says Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."  and he is so right

 

--Jackie

A gossipy world makes me keep my mouth shut

 

Since my mom’s death I have spent quite a lot of time withdrawing from the people around me and observing how the world works.  Generally, this action makes me a tad bit depressed but in my current situation, it’s a bit freeing. 

Upon my time of quietness, I have observed something that makes my stomach churn.  As a Christian, it makes me sick and I get so frustrated. The people that Gossip.  I am certainly not freed of guilt in this area but I would say that I work my butt off to make sure nothing escapes my lips.  I was in a friend of mine’s room and I listened as she made a phone call describing for a long time how this lady did this, or why she won’t do that.  She talked about how she felt her life was bad because she seemed like the kind of person who stayed out all night partying.  This confuses me.  Why should this woman be the point of attack behind her back because her lifestyle is different from that of another? 

I went to lunch with a couple of friends of mine and listened as they talked and made fun of another person because of their personal view of watching sex in movies.  I will admit that I didn’t stick up for her and just succumbed to quietness and that isn’t something I want to turn into a habit.  However, I was so frustrated.  So so frustrated.  this is why.

Jesus calls us to love one another.  He calls us to carry each other's burdens.  To help each other out, to be a family.  A real family lives to love and support one another.   A real family shouldn’t put each other down when they talk about its members.  I am hesitant to ever share anything in my life with anyone in this world, or my church because I don’t want my personal business that I share with someone to be talked about. For a girl with trust problems, its hard enough as it is. Why do we gossip?  What is it about our lives that are so dull that we must talk about another’s?  I am so tired of not being able to tell anyone what i struggle with for fear of someone else talking about it behind my back.. I know that we live together as a community.  Whether small scale or large, and my story can become apart of your story and your story can become a part of my story and that isn’t what I'm arguing against.  I’m arguing for the love and respect of my peers, my church body, my friends.  It just seems right to not blab someone else’s business.  Cuz i mean, if I wanted them to know.. Wouldn’t I have told them?

 

--Jackie