I am Ashes and Light

 

I have been journaling ever since I can remember.  Its been a real therapeutic release for me.   I returned to a blog that I have had since I graduated from college and when I read it, I don’t even know that girl anymore.  I say girl because the things I write about are young, early learning about myself.  Fumbling to understand why I am the way I am and trying desperately to pretend I am not.  Getting divorced was the breaking point in my life.  I don’t want to say my relationship was so terrible, and in the coming weeks I feel open to writing about it finally, almost 5 years later.  It was painful and excruciating – I was held together by all my beliefs I created to make my marriage last and when I had to make the choice to end it, all those beliefs left me with nothing.  I was consumed by the pain that burned like fire all over my soul and the walls I had put up to keep me there.  I was burned to the very fibers of my existence, and I had nothing left to who I was except who I was.  I was made to stare at myself for everything I was and wasn’t and I had to make a choice.  Do I build back up a castle to hide my nothingness or do I deal with myself now?  Well I didn’t know how to build a castle and I was such an emotional wreck that I couldn’t even function so therapy was a place I was forced to go to if only because I couldn’t pretend to be okay.

So therapy.  I unpacked bags I didn’t even know I had. I cried, I begged, I contemplated suicide, I tore my flesh and I was reborn.  Sometimes I think the person I am now is so much removed from the girl I was in these old posts that I don’t even recognize myself.  I am completely at peace with who I am and yet, I am still in the process of discovering who I am. How far I can go.  What this new me is. 

These next few weeks I will be writing.  Writing to tell the story.  Parts of the story.  Some of them wont be pretty, but I have made a pact with myself to honor the truth – even if people don’t like it. Even if its ugly and even if you don’t agree with it.  I wont lie.  

 

With all that being said- when I was in college, I wrote an “I AM” poem.  I wanted to write today but wasn’t sure how to address the change inside my heart.  So I will begin the process of explaining not just for you but for me.  You just happen to have access to it if you are reading this.

 

I Am Poem – template (you should try too)

I am _________________________________________ (Two special characteristics)

I wonder _____________________________________ (Something you are curious about)

I hear ___________________________________ (An imaginary sound)

I see ______________________________ (An imaginary sight)

I want __________________________ (A desire you have)

I am ___________________________ (The first line of the poem repeated)

I pretend _____________________________________ (Something you pretend to do)

I feel _____________________ (A feeling about something imaginary)

I touch ____________________________________________ (An imaginary touch)

I worry _______________________________________ (Something that bothers you)

I cry ________________________________________ (Something that makes you sad)

I am _____________________________________ (The first line of the poem repeated)

I understand ____________________________________ (Something you know is true)

I say ________________________________________ (Something you believe in)

I dream ________________________________________ (Something you dream about)

I try ___________________________________________ (Something you make an effort on)

I hope ______________________________________________ (Something you hope for)

I am ______________________________________ (The first line of the poem repeated)

 

And here I am

I am Ashes and Light  

I wonder what I will do in heaven when I get there

I hear echoes of memories I can’t categorize

I see hope on EVERY horizon

I want my dreams to come true despite myself  

I am Ashes and Light

I pretend I am more important that I think I am

I feel invisible bruises healing  

I touch the future me I am trying to be

I worry that Love isn’t enough  

I cry when anxiety overcomes me  

I am Ashes and Light

I understand change is possible

I say trust the universe

I dream of other worlds

I try to continually change into a higher version of myself  

I hope I can one day live without my trauma responses

I am Ashes and Light