walk the clouds to find your soul

When I climb into the clouds, I find myself at a place where I am completely, 100% myself.  I walk with a pack on my back carrying my insecurities, my hopes, dreams, passions and goals.  Except while those things define me, they are not what I find at the top of the mountain.  I don’t always know it, but I am always searching. Searching for answers, peace, a happy ending, but mostly for acceptance.  I want to know that who I am, is okay with the rest of the world.  It is scary find yourself and then to stand up and defend the inner parts of your heart.  It isn’t that I need the acceptance to continue being who I am, it’s more that I would like it.  I would like to know that I am pleasing and acceptable to those around me.  I want to be a pleasure. 

The best part about self-discovery and acceptance is the peace that comes with it.  Even with my negative aspects, I have come to terms with myself and all the many shades that make my colors.  I am beautiful in the knowledge of myself.  I am aware of that, but I hope others agree with me.  I feel the same concern when I recommend a good restaurant – I don’t want to steer people towards something they wouldn’t enjoy.  I honestly find so much pleasure in creating pleasure for people – I think my own desires stem from that.

 I say all this because when I am on top of a mountain, I stop searching. When I am surrounded by the unspeakable beauties of nature untouched by man, I am caught speechless.  I am aware of something bigger than me.  There is a vast largeness that cannot contain the inextricable glory that this world has to offer.   There is an acceptance here – an unspoken agreement – that whatever I am is all I can bring to the table and whatever nature chooses- will be.  We coexist in the unspoken treaty of our existence and I am wholly me surrounded by the universe that I live inside.  I cease searching and I am found.  I find peace in just being.  There is no other place in this world where I can be so simplified and existential all at the same time.

The climb always throws me.  Even though I know it’s coming and I know itll be hard, I still ache when I get to the incline.  I’m not the fittest girl but I am determined.  I do not want this mountain to conquer me when so much has already laid claim on my life.  I want to get to the top and KNOW that I can.  I get a rush out of conquering something so daunting.  It makes me feel strong despite my vulnerabilities and powerful despite my insecurities.  There is no other high like it.  The process is simple: begin the climb, hate the climb, accept the climb, enjoy the climb, stop searching, find my way home – because it always ends.  I find it has given me a better passion for patience.  I find you can apply this process to almost anything in life that requires long suffering endurance, haha.  The thing I have learned most while hiking is that even when I am dead tired, I can still go.  Even when my body aches, I can still go.  The situation will always eventually end.   In a day and age where I fight to remind myself that I am never in control of anything except myself, it is soul satisfying to be on a mountain where I have no control except my ability to walk on. 

The hike is near and dear to my heart.  Whenever I come down from the clouds, despite my exhaustion, I immediately wish I was back.  I find things on those mountains that I have never found in town. I learn things about myself that I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t gone.  The experience for me is so real that I feel as if I have visited a sanctuary of sorts.  My heart demands to be wild and I must obey for so too does my mind desire a sunset over the mountains with black coffee to sip on and worldly things to dwell upon.  I don’t know much in this world, I doubt things constantly; but one thing is for sure, I know who I am – especially stripped bare at the top of the world and that is enough for me. I want that genuineness, all the time.

--His beloved